Thriller 2010

Back in 1982 Michael Jackson made Thriller, the title of the biggest selling album in the world, but would it have been such a success if it was made today - with things being a whole lot different?

Let us start with the movie they are watching at the cinema. In the movie Michael uses the cheesiest of all cheesy lines and says: "Honestly, we're out of gas." May have worked in a B-movie in 1982 but never going to work in a movie not even a B-movie in 2010. Then, also in the movie, Michael gives his date a ring in the park. Definitely never going to happen in 2010. He pulls out a ring, and some crack whore robs it to sell for a quick fix. Then finally in the movie Michael Jackson says "I'm not like other guys." No fucking shit Sherlock. Your best friend is a chimp for starters, and in a few years you will be setting up a theme park in your backyard. And the date is going to have two possible responses:
  • Response #1: "Yeah I know. I've read the newspapers. I'm not the fucking Al-Qaeda. I haven't been living in a cave."
  • Response #2: "Don't fucking try anything funny. I'm carrying Mace."
And when Michael turns into a werewolf, in the movie, his date isn't going to scream. Things have changed. She'll be standing there saying: "Ooh this reminds me of Twilight. Do you know any vampires? Are you Native American? Do you have a wolf pack? Do you get a monthly federal check? Ooh there is so many questions I want to ask."

Leaving the movie we have the first thing that would never survive in 2010 - Michael sitting eating popcorn. Yeah back in 1982 popcorn may have only been $1 at the cinema but that was then. 2010 that bucket of popcorn is going to set you back $6 at least. Chances are he'd do what everyone else does and smuggle some food he got from Wal*Mart into the cinema.

And while we are in "saving money mode" would he even be at the cinema? Highly unlikely. It is 2010 - illegal movie downloads are at an all-time high. No point paying to see it when you can download it for free. Watch it. And then sell copies to friends and family.

And even if he'd splashed the cash out to actually see the movie at the cinema - he wouldn't be watching the movie too much. He'd be doing what everyone does; tweeting. "Watching a movie at the cinema. $11 to get in. WTF is up with that?" And thanks to that tweet, someone would know he is not at home, and would be robbing his house blind. Welcome to 2010.

Leaving the cinema his date wouldn't be quiet. She would be complaining that the movie wasn't in 3D, the sound wasn't THX, the storyline sucked, and Michael spent too much of the movie tweeting and texting. Also as it is close to midnight they wouldn't be the only two people on the street at night. There would be a prostitute arguing with her pimp, a crack addict in the cinema doorway, and a homeless person pushing a cart and collecting cans.

Then Vincent Price starts rambling. Sorry, not going to happen in 2010. His voice would be too reminiscent of the old guy from Family Guy - Herbert. It'd be more like Anthony Hopkins in the character of Hannibal Lecter from Silence Of The Lambs.

And finally, when the zombies start appearing his date wouldn't just run. She's seen movies and played games. She'd pull a revolver out of the back of her jeans. Kill five zombies. Then using the last bullet she would take out the window of the hardware store; grab the chainsaw and go on a zombie killing spree racking up points and bonuses along the way.


Cuss Count: Minimum

Legal Notice: None. Don't need one in any sense for a change.


Watch Out For The Fucktards

You ever watched Twitter? Not like it is a series or anything, just looked at the occasional person and thought "What the fuck do they do?"

I was looking at a few yesterday, and there are some seriously sad cunts about. I'm thinking that if Twitter had a asylum along with their jail a lot of hoaxers would be in there for sure.

I'm not questioning the intellect levels of the hoaxers - although to be completely honest some of these fuckers need their intellect questioned. Actually, to be brutally honest I'm surprised some of these dumb fuckers even managed to get a computer on; and log in to Twitter. What I'm questioning is their obsessiveness on the hoax; and all things Michael Jackson.

We have all seen the Twitter accounts I am on about. From the second they wake up to the moment their fucking medication kicks in at night they tweet nothing but Michael Jackson. It just cannot be healthy.

Personally, alive or dead, depending where you are on the hoax it doesn't matter - get a fucking life. The fucktards sitting tweeting nothing but Michael Jackson need psychiatric help more than some dumb fucking cunt calling themselves Leahcim Noskcaj.

Don't they ever do anything else? I mean every tweet is about Michael Jackson. The news, the articles, the pictures, and the music they are listening to is Michael Jackson. That is just not healthy. It gets close to these little fucking teenagers that class themselves as 'beliebers'. You stare at the screen, and start thinking that you would like to do Columbine on a global scale - throw the trench coat on, grab a couple of M16s, a decent amount of ammunition - then go start unloading clip after clip until the average I.Q. for the human race slowly rises. Call it 'Intellect Cleansing'.

There is more to life than just one musician. No doubt Michael Jackson had a massive influence on music but so did Jim Morrison, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Elvis, Madonna, Bach, and Beethoven.

Reading some of the hoaxers time-lines on Twitter they have tweeted nothing but Michael Jackson. Fuck, even his own brothers and sisters are tweeting about other shit. I mean, come on, people bitch like whiny little cunts that the media hounded Michael Jackson; but at least the media reports on more than just Michael Jackson. Fuck, even TMZ, the supposed news site for the hoax, reports on other things.

Does their Twitter time-lines indicate their actual life? It would be a fucking shit household to live in if that was their life:

0630 Wake Up.
0632 Check TMZ for Michael Jackson related articles.
0635 Make coffee.
0700 Get the kids ready for school.
0730 Get the kids on the bus.
0732 Login to Twitter, Facebook, Myspace.
0733 Reply to all Michael Jackson related posts.
0750 Watch 9 Michael Jackson related Youtube videos.
0920 Watch This Is It DVD and check for clues.
1100 Start housework.
1104 Check Twitter, Facebook, Myspace.
1201 Get a sandwich.
1210 Re-read the Autopsy Report in case something was missed.
1300 Check the forums out for new sightings, clues, and Illuminati stuff.
1422 Check Twitter, Facebook, Myspace.
1430 Watch new Michael Jackson related video on Youtube.
1440 Watch an old movie mentioned on MJHD.NET which contains a connection.
1520 Kids arrive home.
1620 Reply to post on MJHD.NET.
1625 Fall asleep.
1700 Make kids some dinner. Mac & Cheese.
1720 Write a post on MJHD.NET about a dream I had featuring Michael Jackson.
1755 Check Twitter,Myspace, Facebook.
1757 Twitter is down.
1802 Twitter is back up.
1805 Join a Tinychat room and discuss Michael Jackson.
2035 Read the divorce papers again.
2044 Sign the divorce papers.
2046 Check Twitter, Myspace, Facebook.
2100 Put kids to bed.
2104 Sign back into Tinychat.
2330 Go to bed.

And then you have the fucked up fanatics that not only tweet, live and breathe Michael Jackson, you have the dumb fuckers that add following every fucking fake Michael Jackson, informer, supposed informer, and someone who knew the daughter of the bingo caller whose sister was married to this biker dude that knew this woman who dated a guy whose sister was at college with someone who was a cleaner for Michael Jackson from 1992 to 1994 to their insanity.

It is bad enough that they live and breathe one person but then they have to add the stupidity of giving every dumb European fucktard who thinks they are Michael Jackson their 15 minutes of fame. Well, the electric chair takes 35 minutes to complete (the bit where witnesses watch any way) so let us just put every fucking fake on the electric chair and give them 35 minutes of fame.

Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with being involved in the hoax but there is other things that happen in life, and the world, that just don't have no connection to Michael Jackson. But looking at some of the time-lines on Twitter it is like these fuckers are mentally one little step away from being locked up in some asylum.


Cuss Count: Very High

Legal Notice: This post is an opinion and is covered by the US Constitution and the 1st Amendment which entitles all those in the US to the freedom of speech. This means if you don't like it don't get your fucking panties in a twist - it is just one opinion. You wanted to read something that is friendly and fluffy go fuck off to TLC.COM or something. Once again no "satire notice" required.


Unfollow This

I got unfollowed on Twitter again. No big deal - shit happens. But this person did at least DM (Direct Message) me and tell me why they unfollowed me on Twitter:

"I unfollowed you. Not because of you as a person but because you swear and cuss too much."

Fair enough. I have never held a gun to the head of anyone and said "You must follow me or I will kill you." Everyone that follows me on Twitter has followed me of their own free will. And everyone who has unfollowed me has also done so on their own free will.

But I got to thinking, and went back in my tweet archives (using http://backupmytweets.com/ because Twitter itself only lets you see your last 3,200 tweets) and lo and behold I found a tweet from the very same person when they first started following me. That one read:

"Love your blog thanks for allowing me to follow you."

As can be seen from the tweet there are two things which are apparent. Firstly, it was back in the day when my Twitter account was protected and people had to request to follow. Secondly, they followed me on Twitter because they had been reading my blog.

You have to bear in mind that the tweet when they started following me was back in December 2009. So I went back to my blog and thought maybe I went through a period of never cussing, or swearing, and that is when they started following me. No it didn't happen; actually back in December 2009 I was swearing like a trooper. Every other word was "fuck", "fucktard", or "cunt". And to be honest, most of my later posts on the blog have had a hell of a lot less cussing and swearing in them. At a quick guess I would estimate that me swearing and cussing has actually gone down by about 80%.

So this left me with the one question on my mind - Why did they unfollow me? It obviously wasn't the cussing as that has actually gone down from when they first started following me. Personally I don't care why they stopped following me on Twitter; but what I do wonder is why they lied.

Now this got me to thinking. It is a rare thing; but sometimes I do actually think before I write these posts. Why lie? Seriously, if you unfollow someone you don't have to tell them. But why would someone go to the lengths of sending a Direct Message which is a lie just before unfollowing you? Has the hoax on Twitter hit such low levels that now people need to lie before they unfollow you?

There is a guide for a successful unfollow. It is this:

1. Decide which person you no longer want to follow.
2. Unfollow them.

That is it. No long winded process. You were following them on Twitter; it wasn't some relationship. No need for an explanation.

And if you are the unfollowee (the person who was unfollowed) don't worry about it. No need to air your dirty laundry across the Twitter time-line with your pleas of "Why did you unfollow me?" Just let it go, because more than likely tomorrow you will have 2 new followers for one reason and another.

Which all leads me to the point I was thinking about before I actually started typing this post. Nobody is ever going to agree 100% with everyone else. Just never going to happen. You are never going to have Rabbi Shmuley admitting he is an asshole for releasing a book and you are never going to get Jermaine Jackson to admit that if he isn't making enough money he really needs to give up the entertainment business and get a real job.

And that is Twitter. It is like a miniature version of the planet. People of all different races, sexes, and religions all putting their 140 character opinions and thoughts out there. Nobody is expected to agree 100% just like real life.

So, without further ado, I would like to wish all those that have indeed unfollowed me a great life. Thanks for being part of the journey.

Twitter just needs to calm the fuck down. Each and everyone on there is just one person in a sea of people. If someone comments negatively about a tweet don't consider it an insult consider it the beginning of a debate.


Cuss Count: Medium

Legal Notice: None required for a change. My lawyer friend can breathe a sigh of relief that nothing needs to be checked. Hell I don't even have to mention "satire" to cover my ass.

Note: I just got through reading the post and it seems I may have gone a bit soft towards the end. Don't fucking worry about it. I'm still obnoxious, I'm still an asshole, and normal service will resume by the end of the week. And if you want an argumentative point - I'll say Michael Jackson is dead just to piss you off.


Do Not Fear The Illuminati

Some of the hoax related forums would want members to be shitting themselves that the all-powerful Illuminati is controlling everything and anything; and if you don't stand in line to be fucked by these elitist thugs you'll be wiped out quicker than a legal document containing the words "Conrad" and "AEG".

I've mentioned before in this blog that I really don't think that the Illuminati is as powerful as the legends, and urban myths, have made them. And I definitely don't believe they have anything to do with Michael Jackson faking his death.

But don't fear the Illuminati - beat the fucking evil bastards at their own game and set up a lodge all of your own. That will fix them; give them a bit of competition. And who knows maybe in a few months you could be deciding world monetary decisions and mind-controlling Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga.

First thing is first; think of a name for your lodge. Let us stay hoax related and use the name "The Grand Order Of Hoaxers". Not a great name, but it is just an example, and I didn't want to steal a good name just as an example.

Then you need a phrase which will identify your lodge from all the others. It doesn't matter what you think of because you have to translate it to Latin to give your lodge that feel that it has existed since the dawn of time. Not sure why the dead language, Latin, is used but it is. If it was a popularity decision I'd of chosen Chinese seems there are more people that know Chinese than Latin. But looking at all the other lodges online it seems Latin is the language of choice; and I didn't feel like upsetting the apple cart that much.

For The Grand Order of Hoaxers I chose the term "Truth, integrity, and liberty" which when the online translation was finished ended up as "Veritas, Integrias, Libertate". Leave well alone at this point. I decided to reverse the translation, and translate it back to English and got "Truly, Integrity and Liberty". On this point I decided that the Latin wasn't that important seems nobody really cares about a dead language. Not like it is Spanish and a million Mexicans are going to start complaining that you translated "taco" wrong.

Now you need a logo. Go with whatever the hell you feel like. Seriously it doesn't seem to matter. For The Grand Order of Hoaxers I chose to incorporate a sword, an eyeball, and a phoenix. Seriously it doesn't matter. Well it does and it doesn't. Mine is merely an example and therefore it doesn't matter one little shit. But allegedly these masonic logos all mean something. You want to investigate it and find out while you design yours go for it. Me, I could not be bothered.

Woohoo almost there. You are going to need some members. This is where it gets tricky but at the same time it is where it gets fun. First you need an initiation ritual. Steal one that already exists and add your own twist to it. So for the example the new members are going to have to stand in a circle and chant something:

"As a member of the Grand Order of Hoaxers I will not divulge to any outsider what transpires within these walls. I will not openly acknowledge another member in public unless signalled, and I shall do whatever the High Hoaxer asks without question."

While we are at the weird shit. You might want to create a special handshake at this point so that members can greet each other in public without the lowly public knowing what the fuck you are up to. Keeping it hoax related I came up with this: Member #1 Goes on tiptoes and puts his hand out for a handshake. Member #2 Steps back 2 paces in 'moonwalk' style and puts his hand to Member #1. They must say "Hee-hee" three times while shaking hands.

So you have a lodge, a phrase, a logo, members, an initiation ceremony, and a secret handshake. That is pretty much it. You are now ready to take the Illuminati on at their own game. Just go hang out at various masonic temples and coerce a few of their members to join and eventually you'll be in the Illuminati; and you don't have to fear something if you are part of it.

So get your asses of Twitter, Myspace, and Facebook. Create a fucking lodge and start running the world the way you want. And if anyone disagrees with you just wipe them out - you have to get the population down to 500 million anyway.


Cuss Count: Minimal

Legal Notice: This guide for controlling the world may not exactly be 100% accurate. The information is supplied as is and no guarantee is represented in any way. And remember if you become Supreme World President Of The Earth I helped. This post is satire and may be reproduced at will as long as it is not taken seriously.


Michael Jackson And The Medium

To put the rumors to sleep once and for all I decided to contact someone who would talk with the spirit world. As my first choice, the Paranormal State team, were unavailable I decided to go with a gut feeling and chose Mystic Maureen; who was listed on CraigsList.com.

The listing read as: "Mystic Maureen - Medium to the stars. With over 20 years experience in the spirit world. Email - MysticMaureen@hotmail.com. Paypal accepted."

To cut a long story short - after emailing Mystic Maureen, she agreed to meet and discuss Michael Jackson; and whether there was any signs in the spirit world that he may have passed away.

What follows is the full, unedited, transcript of that meeting.

Mystic Maureen: Hello, I am Mystic Maureen, medium to the stars.
MJHDC: Yeah I know, I sent your fee through Paypal. I'm MJHDC.
Mystic Maureen: Yes, the spirit world said you would be. They also say you have a blog.
MJHDC: I thought the link in the email would have told you that.
Mystic Maureen: Well, the spirit world told me all about you.
MJHDC: Even though I am alive? Anyway, moving on, do you need to get in a trance or anything before we start?
Mystic Maureen: Not really. I warmed up on the bus ride over here.
MJHDC: Must have been a sight for the other passengers.
Mystic Maureen: I just sit there with my eyes closed and wait for the spirits to contact me; hopefully before I get robbed.

[At this point we join hands]

Mystic Maureen: I am ready. Ask me anything and I will get the answrs from the spirit world.
MJHDC: Well, you know why I am here.
Mystic Maureen: I am seeing the name Jackson; Jermaine Jackson.
MJHDC: You know he is still alive right?
Mystic Maureen: It wasn't him it was just his career. I'm getting someone who wishes to speak to you.

[Mystic Maureen shudders and her voice becomes hoarse]

Dave: Hey, it is me Dave. Remember me?
MJHDC: I've known a few Daves. Care to be more specific?
Dave: Tin foil hat, yellow PVC overalls, you used my picture on your blog thing.
MJHDC: Oh that Dave. Didn't know you had passed on.
Dave: Lightning storm. Forgot I had my tin foil hat on while I was doing the grass. Then bang. When it happened I was lying on the lawn; and thought it was a sign. Then I was dead.
MJHDC: Sorry to hear that. So any mention of Michael Jackson in the spirit world?
Dave: Not a sausage. Nothing. Most likely wont hear anything until he dies really.
MJHDC: So, you are saying he is still alive?
Dave: You sure you remember me? I was on Souza's forum. Of course he is alive. Hey you know that Hitler guy, he is not happy about being referred to as a lesbian. I tried to explain but he just kept shouting "Nein, nein, nein". In the end I shouted "Fucking ten" and punched him one.
MJHDC: What? You are saying Hitler made it to Heaven?
Dave: Not exactly. But neither did I. Mustn't grumble though it isn't all bad down here. Got free heating. Did I ever mention I insulated my home with Styrofoam cups?
MJHDC: No. For some reason that never came up.

[Mystic Maureen shudders]

Mystic Maureen: The spirits come and go as they please.
MJHDC: I see. So can you contact a spirit which might actually know something?
Mystic Maureen: They contact me; but I'll try.

[Mystic Maureen shudders again]

Kurt: With the Lights out it's less dangerous. Here we are now entertain us. I feel stupid and contagious. Hey, I've made contact.
MJHDC: Kurt Cobain? You are in hell too?
Kurt: No way man. Well, I should be but that Saint Peter guy said because I was married to Courtney Love he understood and let the old suicide slide.
MJHDC: Nice. So, anything about Michael Jackson up in Heaven?
Kurt: Not a thing. Although to be honest I'm so stoned most of the time I wouldn't notice.
MJHDC: So there is drugs in Heaven?
Kurt: (laughing) No man, it is just the shit working through my system from when I was alive. Hey, if you want an exclusive I got one for you.
MJHDC: Sure, what is it?
Kurt: Elvis is up here. Didn't die in 1977 though. He came up here June 24, 2009. When he got here he didn't look too happy. For the first two weeks he just wandered around muttering something about 'only one fake celebrity death at a time'. He's more relaxed now though. Last night we did a duet; bit of Teen Spirit and a bit of Jailhouse Rock. Jesus almost pissed himself.

[Mystic Maureen shudders yet again]

Mystic Maureen: That is it I'm afraid. $50 only gets you two.
MJHDC: But the first was some guy called Dave. Surely he doesn't count?
Mystic Maureen: Like I said. I don't choose the spirits who contact me. And I let you have Jermaine's career for free.
MJHDC: Gee thanks, you are just too kind.
Mystic Maureen: Well I'll be off then. I have my cleaning job to get to. But don't mention it to the IRS if you know what I mean.

Although not exactly conclusive proof by any means it would appear that the spirit world knows nothing; Michael Jackson could very well be alive and well.



Cuss Count: Pretty Low

Legal Notice: Any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental. This post is satire; and written by an atheist so the whole Heaven and Hell thing doesn't matter.

This Post Is In Memory Of:


United We Fall

Ever since the reported death of Michael Jackson on June 25, 2009 there has been a call from various fans for all of the Michael Jackson fans to unite as one.

This will only ever happen in a dream; and even in that dream it is very unlikely.

It is just never going to happen. Yes, all the Michael Jackson fans can agree that Michael Jackson is a worldwide phenomenon; but that is about as far as it goes for everyone agreeing on anything. Then it all gets split into various groups which then get divided even further so that it in reality all the Michael Jackson fans have different beliefs and different views.

First you have the non-believers like This Is Not It (TINI) people who think that Michael Jackson is deader than Jermaine's child support payments; and want to see Conrad Murray swinging from the nearest tree for the crime that he committed.

Then you have the believers (aka beLIEvers or hoaxers) that think that Michael Jackson faked his death and is alive, well, and hiding out somewhere; and they think Conrad Murray is involved with the fake death somehow.

Then you have the fence-sitters (as I call them) that don't know what to believe, and sit around wondering if Michael Jackson is dead or alive.

Now if you concentrate on the believers, they get sub-divided even further because of various beliefs within the group of believers.

You have some that think Michael Jackson faked his death because he was feeling threatened by the all-conquering, all-powerful, Illuminati. Which really makes no sense if the Illuminati are as powerful as they think.

Then you have some that think that the whole hoax is based on numerology and will get clues from anything. Hell if there was a picture of Joe and Katherine Jackson eating at a restaurant and Katherine had 5 fries and 2 onion rings left on her plate it would be a sign.

You have those that believe Michael Jackson hoaxed his death because it was foretold in the Bible. Creation of earth, mankind, birth of Christ, Armageddon, and the fake death of Michael Jackson can all be found in there allegedly.

Then you have those that feel the hoax was planned since the dawn of time and involves every movie ever made and all Michael Jackson's songs, since he was 7, were written to indicate a hoax death.

And not only do you have the various beliefs within the believers you also have further sub-division with people following certain other people. Such as all those that follow Maura (or Moora) like they are rabbits and she has a carrot shoved up her ass. Others blindly follow the Nazi lesbians; also know as Souza and Mo. Others follow every single fake Michael Jackson on Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn, or any other social network.

And that is just a few of the various sub-divisions within the believers group.

Then you have the new sub-division that is opening up. Boycotting. Boycott Sony, boycott Oprah, and boycott AEG. Me personally I'm boycotting boycotts.

So with all these various beliefs and ideas spread amongst the Michael Jackson fans how on earth does anyone ever expect them all to come together as one?

3D - Just like the movies.


Cuss Count: None (Unless 'ass' counts)

Legal Notice: This post is an opinion. The 3D aspect of the image does actually work but you need the goofy looking red/blue glasses for it to work.


Boycott This!

With numerous calls to boycott Sony it would appear that Michael Jackson fans are forgetting who has the rights to most of Michael Jackson's music. The simple answer, thanks partly to the deal by the estate, is Sony.

So whether you believe Michael Jackson is dead or not you want to see his legacy go down the toilet?

Its not just boycotting Sony. You have to boycott every news item, documentary, radio station, and music video that Sony get money from. That's right - if it has Michael Jackson in it at all chances are Sony are going to get money from it.

So the next documentary on CBS or NBC about what happened on June 25, 2009 will contain music from Michael Jackson. But nobody is going to watch it because Sony will be making money from it? Bollocks. Every hoaxer in the world will be watching it to look for clues, slip ups, and any inconsistencies.

And the Sony boycott is happening now? Because obviously before June 25, 2009 Michael was in love with Sony and everything that they stood for. You all rushed out and watched This Is It at the cinema, or bought the DVD, which Sony made after buying the rehearsal footage for $60,000,000. Didn't want to boycott Sony then? Why? Sony was OK when it released This Is It?

In the cinema alone This Is It made $71,844,424 as gross profits. Check the IMDB company credits for This Is It (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1477715/companycredits) notice any name on there that looks familiar? Sony. Yes, good old Sony made sure the movie went to every country in the world and that every Michael Jackson fan could get their grubby hands on the DVD.

So let us imagine for a few seconds that the boycott is successful. Is everyone going to congratulate themselves for killing the legacy of Michael Jackson? Because his music sales are going to plummet, TV ratings will be almost non-existent for Michael Jackson related items, and slowly but surely the name Michael Jackson will disappear to pages in a history book.

To be honest, who gives a shit if Sony is making money. If it wasn't Sony it would be another record label. If The Jacksons had never left Motown you think Motown records wouldn't be trying to make money? Of course they would. It is what the music industry is all about. You think Michael Jackson would of put his heart and soul into his music if he was getting minimum wage? Would he hell.

And while you are campaigning for your boycotting of Sony, look at your CD collection, look at your tape collection, hell you could even check your 8-track collection. See any Michael Jackson items in there? Sony made money off of that too most likely.

I'm not defending Sony, but they are a business, their whole plan is to make as much money as possible. It is what they have done for years it is not anything new. Back in 1991 when Michael signed a contract with Sony worth a billion dollars there was no boycotting mentioned. And yes, Sony has made money, but don't you think Michael Jackson made money from these deals with Sony too?

And when CD sales and official music downloads are at an all-time low, the estate signs a deal for $250 million. Even the top artists of today aren't able to pull those deals off; so yes Sony are being Sony and making money any way they can, but at the same time Michael Jackson made money from the deals, now his mother, kids, and various charities are going to be making money.

Oh, and finally, for all those doing the boycott, don't go to www.michaeljackson.com, or follow @michaeljackson on Twitter because surprise surprise both are owned by Sony. (http://www.networksolutions.com/whois-search/michaeljackson.com).


Cuss Count: Very Low

Legal Notice: None required for a change. Also this post is an opinion and satire.


The Ten Commandments Of Hoaxers

Recently unearthed at the Jackson Encino compound were two stone tablets which have become known as 'The Ten Commandments of Hoaxers' which supposedly hold the words of Michael Jackson; although who actually transcribed them is still unknown.

The two stone tablets read as:
  • I am the King of Pop, which have brought thee out of the land of Country music, out of the house of Opera.
  • Thou shalt have no other pop idols before me.
  • Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of me, without the consent of the MJ estate.
  • Thou shalt not bow down to false pop idols; such as Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, or Miley Cyrus.
  • Thou shalt not take the name of the King of Pop in vain.
  • Remember the time. Six days shalt thou labor but the seventh day is party.
  • Honor thy father and mother; unless your father be like mine.
  • Thou shalt not kill my songs at karaoke.
  • Thou shalt not commit adultery or you will be forever known as Jermaine.
  • Thou shalt not steal my music in MP3 format.
  • Thou shalt not bear false witness against Conrad Murray.
  • Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's platinum, gold, and silver discs.
  • These are the words of Michael Jackson, the King of Pop. Let them be known to every hoaxer.
And it then bears the signature of Michael Jackson.

Although the stone tablets have been radiocarbon dated, and found to be from August 2009, their authenticity has been questioned by many.

A statement from the Vatican reads: "What? Ten Commandments? There is eleven; who cannot fucking count? Some fucker messed up big time. Oh wait that happens in our King James Bible too. Never mind that bit then. But seriously these were found in Encino? How come the Vatican was not informed before now? Anyway his holiness the Pope said 'Fuck it I am not giving up my Lady Gaga CDs.' The Vatican has no official position on whether Michael Jackson did indeed fake his death or not. But the Pope did laugh his ass off at the SeeingClues video suggesting that TMZ used the Bible in their Michael Jackson news. I believe the Pope texted Harvey and they both laughed at that shit."

Clemens Reichel, an archaeologist at the University of Toronto and a curator at the Royal Ontario Museum, said: "It would appear from all evidence that these two stone tablets are indeed from Michael Jackson himself. What is curious is that are dated as August 2009; when it is well documented within the media that Michael Jackson passed away in June 2009."

Although nobody from the MJ estate would comment on the authenticity of the stone tablets. John Branca did suggest that the tablets could be worth in excess of $500,000,000 to the right person.

Joe Jackson, the father of Michael, stated: "Man that shit is whack. How the fuck did I become part of a commandment? That boy has no respect. If it wasn't for me beating him daily he'd never have made it in the music industry. I taught him that the industry was tough and he had to be tough too; and this is how he repays me. First he leaves me out of the will and now this. I have informed Brian Oxman that it may be a personal attack on myself and a lawsuit will be launched to have that commandment removed. You do realize there is eleven statements. Maybe Jermaine did the carving he has always had problems counting - that is why he has to hit his Mom up for cash all the time."

The stones tablets are expected to be on display in the Smithsonian museum after experts have finished studying them.


Cuss Count: Low

Legal Notice: These tablets have not been authenticated. The Pope has never openly said he is a fan of Lady Gaga. This post is merely satire and should not be taken with water after meals. Clemens Reichel is the positions stated but had nothing to do with this; nor did Joe Jackson or anyone from the Vatican.


Hoax Look-A-Likes

With the Michael Jackson hoax death has come many clues from many varied sources. But could some more clues be hidden; that just have not been found yet? Do look-a-likes possibly hold the key to further clues?

Below are some of the possible look-a-likes that may, or may not, hold some clues to the hoax:

Jason Pfeiffer - Big Boy

Conrad Murray - Dr. Hibbert

Joe Jackson - Pimp C

Latoya Jackson - Troll Doll

Tito Jackson - Fred The Flourgrader

Jermaine Jackson - California Raisin

Arnie Klein - Dwight Schrute

Kenny Ortega - Dudley Moore


Cuss Count: None (Due To Lack Of Words)

Legal Notice: It is highly unlikely that look-a-likes hold the key to any clues, as such the author of this post, and blog, is not responsible for time wasted by anyone looking for clues based on this post. As always this post is merely satire.


The Family Guy Theory

There have been many theories since it is believed that Michael Jackson hoaxed his own death, on June 25, 2009, for whatever reason.

Some of the more notable theories are:
  • The Witness Protection Program Theory
  • The Dog Autopsy Theory
  • The Double Theory
  • The Elvis & MJ Theory
  • The Movie Theory
  • The Illuminati Theory
It is as though every day a new theory appears. But finally a clue which makes sense has been formulated to a plausible theory to where Michael Jackson got the idea to fake his death.

It has nothing to do with Elvis coming back after 33 years it is to do with the cartoon Family Guy; in particular an episode entitled "I Take Thee Quagmire".

Wikipedia describes this episode as: "Peter decides to help Quagmire fake his death. He shows Joan a video of Quagmire being attacked by a ninja, a Nazi, a "pots and pans" robot, and the body being consumed by a dinosaur held by Peter (to the theme of Jurassic Park). Joan is unconvinced by the video. Peter and his friends then operate plan B, which consists of Quagmire pretending to suffer a heart attack and dying. Quagmire is buried in a coffin with enough oxygen to last him a short period of time so Peter can return after the funeral has finished and dig him up. Peter exclaims that Quagmire is not dead, and brings him out of the coffin, alive."

One scene in the episode is Peter Griffin, Joe Swanson, and Cleveland Brown about to enter Quagmire's home to inform his wife that Quagmire is dead. Before entering Peter exclaims to Joe and Cleveland: "This may be the most absolutely perfect fake death in the history of fakes death."

And this is where the episode can seen to be a clue that proves Michael Jackson faked his death. Other than the main character talking about the perfect fake death, the three characters names are of utmost importance. Peter Griffin, Joe Swanson, and Cleveland Brown.

Peter Griffin could be a direct clue to Michael Jackson seems he was often referred to as Peter Pan. Also noteworthy is that it is Peter Pan talking about faking death.

Joe Swanson could be a direct clue that the middle name of Michael Jackson is indeed Joe; and not Joseph. Meaning that the death certificate issued is indeed fake.

Cleveland Brown could be a direct clue to the Cleveland Orchestra which performed with Michael Jackson on the track "Will You Be There?" Which in turn could indicate that the hoax may be a long drawn out process.

Another clue which may have a bearing on the hoax but is not completely verified, or thought of as an exact science, is an anagram of Family Guy is "I Am Fly Guy" which could be a sign that Michael is the 'Fly Guy'. And having three children would indeed make Michael a family guy.


Cuss Count: None

Legal Notice: This post is satire poking fun at some of the thinking of the various theories surrounding Michael Jackson hoaxing his death. In no way should the idea be taken seriously.