Interviewing Joe Jackson

In what seems like a really bad dream that never ends Homeless Dave managed to take time out from his shoplifting excursions to do an interview, one on one, with Joe Jackson; patriarch of the Jackson family. As normal Homeless Dave forgot to record the the event; so what follows is his transcription of the interview.

Dave: Well, let me start by saying I am totally sorry.
Joe: Sorry for what?
Dave: That Outkast did a song about Ms. Jackson and not Mr. Jackson.
Joe: What the hell has that got to do with me?
Dave: Nothing that I know of. I was just saying it could have been "I'm sorry Mr. Jackson. I am for real. Never meant to make your daughter cry."
Joe: Hold up. Which daughter did you make cry?
Dave: None. Well, not intentionally. Although I do think I accidentally banged into Janet with a shopping cart in Walmart once. She didn't say anything. I apologized. But as I walked off I noticed a tear, or maybe two, on her cheek.
Joe: Janet was in Walmart?
Dave: Yeah. Maybe. I think it was her.
Joe: You think?
Dave: No. You stink.
Joe: What?
Dave: Just because I am homeless doesn't mean you can say I stink. Homeless people have feelings too you know.
Joe: I said you think.
Dave: Thank you. I like to ponder sometimes. You ever sit alone, in a cardboard box, just wondering who, or what, killed the dinosaurs?
Joe: Dinosaurs? Wasn't that an asteroid or something. Yeah; it was on the History Channel. Some asteroid hit the earth, threw up a whole mess of debris which obscured the sun, this caused an ice age, and the dinosaurs died.
Dave: But was it really like that?
Joe: How the hell should I know?
Dave: What if that is just what the media want you to believe?
Joe: (Chuckling) You think there was CNN back then?
Dave: Obviously not. Or the History Channel would have just shown you archive footage. The present day media are the ones lying about it.
Joe: (Still chuckling) OK. So what did happen?
Dave: Well, I saw this program that some scientist brought the dinosaurs back to life. It was on an island. But the dinosaurs got a bit out of hand. So they had to kill the dinosaurs.
Joe: (Laughing) Aw man. You are killing me. That was no program that was a movie. It was Jurassic Park. They even made a sequel.
Dave: That is the conspiracy. They want you to think it is just a movie; where in reality it was using actual footage.
Joe: You are one crazy dude.
Dave: Talking of crazy. What is this about Jermaine changing his name to Jacksun?
Joe: He's a damn fool. I blame his mother. She was too soft on those kids. You do something wrong you get beat for it.
Dave: Rumor has it that you never knew when to stop beating though.
Joe: What? Who said that? Anyway, Jermaine thinks the sun shines out his goddamn ass; and unfortunately his momma never let me beat that idea out of him. That is why he is like he is. Would have been different if his momma hadn't protected him so much from reality.
Dave: Really? In what way?
Joe: Well look at him poncing all over the place like he achieved something. He aint achieved shit. He's living off his brother. Hell, he writes a book and even that is about his brother. You know why Jermaine never wrote a book about himself?
Dave: Why?
Joe: Nobody would buy it. Nobody would read it. And then to protect Jermaine from the truth his momma would go out and waste good money buying up all the copies; so that he thinks he did something good.
Dave: Jermaine did date Whitney Houston for a while. That has to be considered good?
Joe: Ok. Let me set the story straight. Jermaine never dated no Whitney Houston. That was just his momma interfering again. See, what happened was Katherine took Jermaine to see Michael pick up some award. Well, all the way there Jermaine was whining how everyone liked Michael. Anyway at the award ceremony Jermaine was still whining so Katherine took Michael off to one side and asked if he could hook Jermaine up with Whitney. Michael just looked at Jermaine and laughed. But, as always, he did what his momma wanted.
Dave: So, Michael actually got Whitney to date Jermaine?
Joe: Hold your horses. I'm getting to that bit. When Michael asked Whitney she said not as long as there was air in her lungs. Michael talked to her and said just get your photo taken with him a couple of times; and if anyone asks about you dating you don't have to lie but you don't have to deny it either.
Dave: So they never were dating.
Joe: That is what I just told you. Boy were you even listening?
Dave: Yes sir. It was more of a statement of realization.
Joe: You'll realize my belt can still whoop ass if you don't listen when I talk.
Dave: OK. OK. Calm down.
Joe: You just show me the respect I deserve.
Dave: So, Mr. Jackson how is your theme park coming along?
Joe: Same as everything I touch, and put Michael's name to, it is coming along nicely.
Dave: You going to be selling cotton candy?
Joe: Sure; most likely.
Dave: What about candy apples?
Joe: No doubt. There is no theme park in the world without candy apples.
Dave: You going to have those side stalls where you pick a ticket. And if it ends in five or zero you win a prize?
Joe: I don't know about that one.
Dave: Because I know this guy who used to do that for a living. And he'd pick out the ones that ended in five or zero. Then when all the tickets were done he'd only put half of them back in and keep some of the winners back. Just sounds like the sort of thing you'd do Joe.
Joe: If you, young man, are passing doubt on my character that is no good. Hey did he make a good bit of the ole greenbacks doing that?
Dave: He sure did.
Joe: I'm liking what I'm hearing.
Dave: You going to be making it a family business because I can't say I have ever imagined any of the Jackson family as a bunch of carnies ripping people off for a few bucks; well other than Jermaine and maybe Marlon when he scams people with them house sales. I have seen when they flip houses and get some sucker to buy an old house with a lick of paint.
Joe: Marlon sells houses for a living?
Dave: He used to.
Joe: Hot damn. He told me those were his houses and he was offering me a good deal. I must have got 6 off him.
Dave: You saying Marlon managed to put a few over the 'mighty' Joe Jackson aka The King Of Scams?
Joe: Yes and no. He did. But I always used Katherine's money to buy them. I had some people from the IRS looking at my financial affairs.
Dave: So Katherine owns a ton of houses then?
Joe: She did. I sold them on once the IRS found some other fool to keep harassing. I just put the paperwork in front of her and said "Jehovah wants your autograph honey."
Dave: What religion are you Joe?
Joe: Don't be asking me to take sides. I am a man of all religions. You want some Muslim artifacts I got you. You want the original crucifix because you a Christian I got your back. You want something Jewish I got you. Hell, right now I got a trunk full of Buddhas I'm trying to unload.
Dave: Not for me thanks. I'm strictly Catholic. But if I hear of anyone wanting some Buddhas I'll give them your number.
Joe: Don't forget the catchphrase.
Dave: There's a catchphrase. What is it?
Joe: Dial 1-800-JOEJ. If Joe can't get it you don't need it.
Dave: Wasn't a similar line used in the movie Dusk To Dawn?
Joe: What are you a copyright lawyer?
Dave: No.
Joe: Well then. Shut the hell up.
Dave: Talking of lawyers. Can't say I've seen you going to court for a while. Has the great Joe Jackson finally given up?
Joe: I gave up on that joker Oxman. Damn fool couldn't get money if they were giving it away. Why the hell I ever let him represent me I'll never know.
Dave: Had nothing to do with he was working for free; expecting a big pay off?
Joe: (Laughing) Yep, now you mention it, that is why. You know you have a bad lawyer when he's willing to work for free; well almost free.
Dave: So you've split ways with Brian Oxman?
Joe: Not split ways really. Just I don't take his calls no more since he started asking for money.
Dave: I see.
Joe: Well, I got some suckers to sell some things to. So I'm out of here. Don't forget if someone wants those Buddhas.
Dave: Yeah yeah I'll let you know.
Joe: (Throwing a dollar bill) Here, get yourself a cup of Joe.
Dave: I don't drink coffee. But thanks.
Joe: Give me my damn dollar back then.
Dave: See ya!

Legal Notice: This is Homeless Dave's account of what happened. There is no evidence that a fictional person had a fictional interview with Joe Jackson. Any lawyer wishing to make a legal argument based on the preceding interview really needs to decide if they want to work in law.