Homeless Dave

Tuesday September 27, 2011

I slept in this morning, thanks to my sponsor Propofol, and missed pretty much everything. But I did catch up with highlights from TMZ and CNN. And I have to say Conrad Murray has to be laughing right now.

The opening statement of the prosecution was very speculative; and not full of actual, or factual, evidence. They played an audio of Michael Jackson talking which Conrad Murray recorded on his cell phone. Other than the HIPPA laws, and rules, that were broken it didn't even sound like Michael Jackson.

MJHDC played with the audio and no matter what was done to it the audio never sounded like Michael Jackson. If he was 'on drugs' as proposed by the prosecution when the recording was made there would be some slurring; and possibly when 'speeded up a bit' it should sound like Michael Jackson. But it doesn't. And on closer inspection there is a TV in the background which is also slowed down. On restoring it the TV in the background sounded like Anderson Cooper; are the prosecution attempting to say that Michael Jackson and Anderson Cooper were both on drugs at the same time?

As a side note, for the satanic people, if you reverse the whole audio at around the 10 second mark it appears to say "Save me."

Ed Chernoff, as Murray's defence attorney, took the floor for his opening speech. That guy could put insomniacs to sleep. Not too sure what Ed Chernoff said as I fell back to sleep after 5 minutes.

The court recessed for lunch, while I had breakfast, and after Ed Chernoff  finished up Kenny Ortega took the stand as the first witness. As I write it is unlikely that Kenny will finish his testimony today so I'll write about that when he gets done.

As I see it the score stands as Prosecution: 0 - Defense: 1. But we'll just have to see how things pan out.

Also, I'd like to point out that after discussions with the Unholy Trinity it has been deemed I should not have a sponsor. Propofol has already paid in advance; so although they are no longer my sponsor they are paying for me to sleep in the hotel lobby. Unfortunately this means all t-shirts will no longer be sold. Sorry.



Monday September 26, 2011
Well I have finally made it to Los Angeles; and I am ready to report live all that goes on at the Conrad Murray trial. Now when I say live I mean 'kind of live' because I doubt I will get a public seat. Last time I tried to go in to court they wanted to search all my bags. I told them I was homeless and that I pretty much carry my whole life with me; but they didn't listen. Needless to say by the time they had gone through all my bags court was over. I'll do my best.

Anyway I had a good weekend in Nevada. Went to see the infamous Area 51. All being well charges will not be filed and nothing will come of me breaching security.

Back to the trial and important news. I have a sponsor. Yes I arrived this morning and already I have a sponsor. My sponsor is Propofol. So if you see a homeless guy in the court, wearing a Propofol t-shirt, don't be shy come over and say hi.  I had to take a sponsor so that I could stay in a hotel. I didn't get a room but Propofol are paying the hotel desk clerk $15 a night so I can bed down in the lobby. Result.

Well I better get a good night's sleep and be ready for tomorrow. So as I am obligated to say: "Sleep well - Sleep with Propofol."


Wednesday September 21, 2011
Thanks to MJHDC and Hoax News Network I am currently hitchhiking my way to Los Angeles to cover the upcoming Conrad Murray trial.

It came about when MJHDC, HNN, and myself were picking straws to see who from the Unholy Trinity would be the one to travel; and cover the trial. There was only 2 straws - MJHDC and HNN picked first; and as there was no third straw mine was obviously the shortest. So I was chosen by fate to be the one to cover the trial.

The travel budget was decided at $10; and so I packed my laptop and started hitchhiking to Los Angeles.

I cannot say it has all been bad. I have met some nice people on the road. I met a trucker, also named Dave, who took me 200 miles. Unfortunately it was in the wrong direction but it was a good conversation piece when I started the journey all over again.

I'd like to thank the various people who have given me a ride so far; and if anyone is in Utah and heading down I-15 please either pick me up or give me food and drink.

Utah is a weird place. Last night I met some polygamists. This one guy had 7 wives. I told them about the Michael Jackson death hoax theory and that the 7 wives might be a clue; it was at that point they decided it would be better if I was not in their vehicle. Although Sharon, the 4th wife, did pass me a note when I got out which simply read "Help Me Please". If I ever meet them again I will mention the lack of punctuation - I'm homeless and even I know there should be a period at the end of that.

Before I end I would like to thank the Sheriff of Rock Springs, Wyoming, who kindly let me use the shower facilities of the jail while I was passing through. He also got me coffee and breakfast. Without his kindness I would not have made it as far as I have.

Travel Budget is down to $7.54 because I had 2 double cheeseburgers from McDonalds. I remember when they used to be on the dollar menu. The McDouble which replaced it just does not cut it - no cheese and no lettuce - just patties and a bun. What a rip-off.



Tuesday July 12, 2011
Quite an uneventful day to be honest. Early this morning some hippy came over and asked me why I was there. I told him for Bamsday; he said it was coming. As he left he tripped on his sandals and rolled halfway down the hill. I was going to check if he was alright but he was so stoned I doubt he felt anything.


I went on a little tour of California while I was waiting for something to happen; hoping that Michael Jackson would not Bam while I was gone. Well to cut a long story short somehow I got lost and ended up in the wrong part of town. I spotted these 4 nice gentlemen and asked them for directions. Somehow they misunderstood and offered to "pop a cap in my ass"; kind of had flashbacks of jail all over again. So I replied as clear as possible "Look I don't want no trouble." Then somehow I threw up a gang sign, well that is what P-Mack Daddy Diddy said it was. I didn't have the heart to tell him it was because I have early arthritis from an old laptop where some of the keys need bashing to get them to work.  So my new friends told me the way and I made my way back to the hill.

When I got back I noticed someone had put a number 7 on my belongings. Strange indeed.

So as all is quiet I am going to turn in for the night and get up early for Bamsday tomorrow.

Monday July 11, 2011
Well I have been at the Hollywood sign for hours now; and so far nothing is happening. I did spot one Michael Jackson fan walking past and I asked them what they thought would happen on July 13. They did not reply and just gave me a dollar and said they sympathize. Maybe they know something; I will keep my eye on them if they come back.

A cop came past as well. He was not one of the usual 'beat the homeless guy' cops so I asked him if they were expecting big crowds on July 13. He asked me why. So I mentioned to him that Bamsday may happen right under the sign and Michael Jackson may return. He said Michael Jackson was dead. As he walked off I shouted "Believe man believe" and hid behind the W.

Other than that not much has happened really. Oh I did meet a nice couple on vacation from China. Did not understand most of what he said but it was something along the lines of "my new house will look nice here when they miss the first repayment." I have no clue what he means.

Well I am here for 4 more days. If anything happens I'll either tweet it via @Homeless_Dave or Ill write about it here. But bear in mind that I still have shoplifting to do; so it may not be in real-time when it happens.

Tuesday July 5, 2011
Well I have not posted here in while; just because I have been busy.

I have successfully completed my Community Service. I have paid my fines (thanks to Hoax News Network for stealing the wallet of MJHDC for that).

I have also spent some time deciding whether my 'paid for' birth certificate was good enough to get me in the White house. I decided it was not - so I am no longer running for President (as can be seen by the fact that my "Presidential Campaign" page has been removed).

I am keeping my voluntary position at Hoax News Network and also doing some undercover work for MJHDC. It is hard to be incognito when you are carrying a large white board with you.

As for everyone else in the 'community' they are all OK. Karl has actually moved out. He found a small apartment with his homeless girlfriend; Sarah. Sheila is still drunk most of the time. Actually she says she is starting to have visions when she is drunk. The youths in the area have started calling her Nostradamus.

So that is about it for me at the moment.

Tuesday June 7, 2011
It was reported that I had died. Obviously I have not or I would not be able to write this.

What happened was that while I was doing my community service, at the park, today Karl went into my cardboard box and stole my duct tape. I didn't know it was him until Sheila told me she had seen him do it. I was just going to confront him and maybe get into a bit of fisticuffs. But I decided that I would fake my death to teach him a lesson; and in honor of Michael Jackson.

Sheila was unwilling to play the part of Dr Conrad Murray so I had to go it alone. I couldn't find an ambulance that I could use so I had think.

I saw this pile of cardboard boxes so I quickly hid mine and placed them where mine should be. I put my Tracfone next to them as a subtle clue. I then went 3 blocks over and dialed 911 and told them that I had seen a homeless man called Dave being squashed in some boxes.  The police arrived after their dinner and checked it out.

Karl will never steal my duct tape again.


Thursday June 2 2011
I am now out of jail. It was not too bad in jail but it did give me time to think. I am no longer running for President of the United States. When my Mom visited me in jail (well she was visiting her boyfriend and just happened to see I was there) I asked her about my birth certificate. At first she said they didn't have birth certificates back then; but she later said that my birth was never registered as she was originally going to drop me in a dumpster.

Anyway I have no proof I was born, let alone born in the US, so I will have to cease my campaign.

The other thing that I learned in jail is when a man winks at you he is being over-friendly and not just friendly. But such is life; we all learn from our mistakes. Just imagine hemorrhoids times about hundred.

Thanks to all who tweeted messages and sent emails I have finally read them all. They brought a tear or two to my eyes.

Saturday May 14 2011
Although I now have my own Presidential Campaign page I feel I must also keep this page updated with various notes, thoughts, and messages.


With the US national debt standing at $14 trillion I feel instead of the the government making cuts to the very people that made this country cuts should be made elsewhere. At present the US government gives $25 billion in foreign aid each year. This money should be reduced significantly so that the money stays in the US and benefits the very people of the US.


This country should not be seen as some cheap superstore where people can steal and take from it without heeding the consequences. Foreign Aid should be available to help out our global neighbors; but only when the US can afford it.


Helping other nations is a good thing; but not at the cost of the US people. When the US in trouble where will these countries be?


As for my personal life, I have been busy thinking, even my shoplifting endeavors have dropped a little. As such Walmart profits have risen; as has their share price. This is only one way we can help the US economy - steal only what you need and not luxury items and unnecessary trivial items.


Saturday May 7 2011
Just realized how many weird people shop at Walmart. It is like moths to a light. They seem to just congregate on the place. As I rarely steal anywhere else I am not sure if it is the same everywhere. But I am thinking that Walmart due to the low, low, prices just attract some of the craziest people around.

Today I saw a woman who looked like a stripper looking for food; and some woman dressed in all green - kind of reminded me of a giant watermelon with legs.



Where do these freaks come from? Are they sat inside their homes just waiting to go to Walmart when their benefits check arrives?

I remember a couple of years ago they stopped Karl from entering the store. He was dressed no weirder than the others. He was wearing a t-shirt and some tighty whities

I think it should be a public duty for people to start taking these weird people out; but only if they have a home. I mean if they are homeless they cannot really help it. And if they don't want to get shot they should stay in their trailers and not go to Walmart.

Saturday April 30 2011
After many minutes of thought I have decided to run for President. I am doing it for no other reason than I need a house; and the White House looks like it will do. And in getting myself a home I can help the people of America.

I will be concentrating on these main topics:

Education - The right for every child to receive a quality education, including college, for free - dumb kids end up as homeless adults and the streets are crowded enough as it is.

Free Health Care - For everyone - and if the money is not there I will organize coaches to Canada weekly so people can get free health care there.

Less Reality TV - America needs good programs not 24 hours of mindless drivel of people doing boring things. If you like reality turn off the TV and look outside the window.  HBO will be the official Presidential Channel.

Better News - There is some good news happening and it needs to be reported. Instead of sending Anderson Cooper to every war zone and disaster struck area; once in a while he'll be sent to Disney World just to prove it is not all doom and gloom.

Tougher Immigration - Illegal Immigrants can appeal their deportation from their own country. The federal government should not waste tax dollars housing these people in jails and then shipping them home 6 months later.

Death Penalty - Anyone receiving 'Life with no parole' should be given the chance to transfer that sentence to the death penalty instead of wasting tax dollars. It will be a choice they make; but their families can receive up to $10,000 for saving the government money.

So don't forget when the election comes around: Vote For Homeless Dave - He's Cheap.

Wednesday April 27 2011

Today was my Walmart orientation. It was meant to be the start of a new beginning. The whole day was a disaster. First my tracfone battery died so there was no alarm. If it was not for Karl coughing up a lung at 8:00AM I would never have made it.

This is how the orientation went at Walmart:

  • 08:30AM - Thirty people in one room. Scary thing is I am looking pretty clever compared to the rest.
  • 09:00AM - A tour of the store. I was the only one to correctly answer where all the security cameras were.
  • 10:00AM - I was on a checkout. Still stealing. I was scanning items; and if I needed them I was putting them in my pocket.
  • 11:00AM - Customer Service training went well apart from the one guy getting arrested.
  • 11:30AM - Lunch. 30 minutes. They said when we are working it will be 10-15 minutes.
  • 12:00PM - Started the afternoon watching a safety video. I went into the store and watched Dumb And Dumber on the store televisions.
  • 02:00PM - Took the "Walmart Orientation Test" it seemed pretty straightforward.
  • 02:30PM - Found out I failed the test. And according to the teenager who is the store manager it means I will remain homeless for some time. Guessing I did not get hired.
  • 02:48PM - Finished stealing and left.

I picked up an application for McDonalds. I'll fill out when I get pen.

Walmart Orientation - I'm behind the camera.


Thursday April 21 2011

Today is a another money-saving tip. I got this one from Karl. All the little slithers of soap you end up with, save them and collect them in an old sock. When you have enough to make a whole bar of soap soak it in water for about 30 minutes. Then squeeze all the water out; and using your hands form it into a nice new bar of soap shape.

Karl says you can get a 'value' 4 pack of soap to last about 3 months this way. Makes no difference to me as I steal all my soap from Walmart.

Happy Saving!

Monday April 18 2011

Today I have no post but would just like to give a quick mention to Habitat For Humanity. Great people who do a lot of work with the homeless. But they don't just work with the homeless; they also work with low income families and survivors of various disasters to provide homes for those most in need.

Best thing is that Habitat For Humanity don't necessarily want your money. They would love it if you want to donate. But the best thing you can do is to volunteer time in helping to build, and repair, homes. Which is a win/win situation for all and makes you feel good at the end of the day.

Another good thing about Habitat For Humanity is that you don't necessarily have to be helping people millions of miles away. There are many Habitat For Humanity projects - so most likely one in your local area.

Go to their website - see what is local - and help in any way you can.

Sorry it sounds like an advert; but being @Homeless_Dave it is obviously something close to my heart.


Friday April 15 2011
Just a quick tip to save money. Shampoo and conditioner prices are rising and rising at the big supermarkets. I even noticed at Walmart the same trend happening. I spoke to Sheila about this and she gave me this wonderful tip to save money, or in my case pocket space, - make your own.

For the shampoo mix 1 tablespoon of  baking soda with 8 ounces of. hot water and stir, or shake, until well dissolved. You can use a funnel and put this in a container like a squirt bottle.

For the conditioner mix 1 tablespoon of apple cider vinegar in 8 ounces of water. Again mix and store in a squirt bottle.

Sheila says that you use the shampoo mix, rinse, then the conditioner mix, and rinse again. She also says the mixtures should last for about 5 washes with long hair; and more for shorter hair.

So don't waste money on those hair care products. Make your own. And stick your middle finger up to V05, Herbal Essences, and Suave.

Happy Saving.

Monday April 11 2011
Not much to report today. Spent most of it in the Free Health Clinic with Pete. Seriously, three hours to see a doctor and then after five minutes thrown out with a prescription for antibiotics. Soup night tonight. Minestrone soup from the good people at the Salvation Army. They do a wonderful thing for us homeless people; but last week there was a hair in my soup. I would have wrestled the guy that gave it to me if he wasn't 102 years old.

Also managed to win at Solitaire on Windows 95. Now if I could only find a McDonalds with a network point I could be surfing the super duper information highway - not everyone is wireless.

Tomorrow is blood selling day this month. It is not actually selling - I donate and they give me a cookie and a cup of coffee. Fair exchange really. More people should do it. Meet some nice people there. We usually go as a group (myself, Pete, Karl and Sheila) and make a day of it - but more on that tomorrow.

Sunday April 10 2011:
I am now officially a volunteer, freelance, reporter for the Hoax News Network. It all came about after I was trying to buy a laptop from Karl. Well, the good people at Hoax News Network came through and gave me the money. I am now the proud owner of a Dell 486DX laptop; running Windows 95.

So to show my gratitude I thought I would volunteer with Hoax News Network and post the occasional report of what is happening on the street form the point of view of the homeless.

1 comments:

Anonymous said...

LOL I laughed my ass off, seriously this is some funny shit

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