Michael Jackson And The Medium

To put the rumors to sleep once and for all I decided to contact someone who would talk with the spirit world. As my first choice, the Paranormal State team, were unavailable I decided to go with a gut feeling and chose Mystic Maureen; who was listed on CraigsList.com.

The listing read as: "Mystic Maureen - Medium to the stars. With over 20 years experience in the spirit world. Email - MysticMaureen@hotmail.com. Paypal accepted."

To cut a long story short - after emailing Mystic Maureen, she agreed to meet and discuss Michael Jackson; and whether there was any signs in the spirit world that he may have passed away.

What follows is the full, unedited, transcript of that meeting.

Mystic Maureen: Hello, I am Mystic Maureen, medium to the stars.
MJHDC: Yeah I know, I sent your fee through Paypal. I'm MJHDC.
Mystic Maureen: Yes, the spirit world said you would be. They also say you have a blog.
MJHDC: I thought the link in the email would have told you that.
Mystic Maureen: Well, the spirit world told me all about you.
MJHDC: Even though I am alive? Anyway, moving on, do you need to get in a trance or anything before we start?
Mystic Maureen: Not really. I warmed up on the bus ride over here.
MJHDC: Must have been a sight for the other passengers.
Mystic Maureen: I just sit there with my eyes closed and wait for the spirits to contact me; hopefully before I get robbed.

[At this point we join hands]

Mystic Maureen: I am ready. Ask me anything and I will get the answrs from the spirit world.
MJHDC: Well, you know why I am here.
Mystic Maureen: I am seeing the name Jackson; Jermaine Jackson.
MJHDC: You know he is still alive right?
Mystic Maureen: It wasn't him it was just his career. I'm getting someone who wishes to speak to you.

[Mystic Maureen shudders and her voice becomes hoarse]

Dave: Hey, it is me Dave. Remember me?
MJHDC: I've known a few Daves. Care to be more specific?
Dave: Tin foil hat, yellow PVC overalls, you used my picture on your blog thing.
MJHDC: Oh that Dave. Didn't know you had passed on.
Dave: Lightning storm. Forgot I had my tin foil hat on while I was doing the grass. Then bang. When it happened I was lying on the lawn; and thought it was a sign. Then I was dead.
MJHDC: Sorry to hear that. So any mention of Michael Jackson in the spirit world?
Dave: Not a sausage. Nothing. Most likely wont hear anything until he dies really.
MJHDC: So, you are saying he is still alive?
Dave: You sure you remember me? I was on Souza's forum. Of course he is alive. Hey you know that Hitler guy, he is not happy about being referred to as a lesbian. I tried to explain but he just kept shouting "Nein, nein, nein". In the end I shouted "Fucking ten" and punched him one.
MJHDC: What? You are saying Hitler made it to Heaven?
Dave: Not exactly. But neither did I. Mustn't grumble though it isn't all bad down here. Got free heating. Did I ever mention I insulated my home with Styrofoam cups?
MJHDC: No. For some reason that never came up.

[Mystic Maureen shudders]

Mystic Maureen: The spirits come and go as they please.
MJHDC: I see. So can you contact a spirit which might actually know something?
Mystic Maureen: They contact me; but I'll try.

[Mystic Maureen shudders again]

Kurt: With the Lights out it's less dangerous. Here we are now entertain us. I feel stupid and contagious. Hey, I've made contact.
MJHDC: Kurt Cobain? You are in hell too?
Kurt: No way man. Well, I should be but that Saint Peter guy said because I was married to Courtney Love he understood and let the old suicide slide.
MJHDC: Nice. So, anything about Michael Jackson up in Heaven?
Kurt: Not a thing. Although to be honest I'm so stoned most of the time I wouldn't notice.
MJHDC: So there is drugs in Heaven?
Kurt: (laughing) No man, it is just the shit working through my system from when I was alive. Hey, if you want an exclusive I got one for you.
MJHDC: Sure, what is it?
Kurt: Elvis is up here. Didn't die in 1977 though. He came up here June 24, 2009. When he got here he didn't look too happy. For the first two weeks he just wandered around muttering something about 'only one fake celebrity death at a time'. He's more relaxed now though. Last night we did a duet; bit of Teen Spirit and a bit of Jailhouse Rock. Jesus almost pissed himself.

[Mystic Maureen shudders yet again]

Mystic Maureen: That is it I'm afraid. $50 only gets you two.
MJHDC: But the first was some guy called Dave. Surely he doesn't count?
Mystic Maureen: Like I said. I don't choose the spirits who contact me. And I let you have Jermaine's career for free.
MJHDC: Gee thanks, you are just too kind.
Mystic Maureen: Well I'll be off then. I have my cleaning job to get to. But don't mention it to the IRS if you know what I mean.

Although not exactly conclusive proof by any means it would appear that the spirit world knows nothing; Michael Jackson could very well be alive and well.

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UPDATE: SINCE THIS POST WAS WRITTEN MYSTIC MAUREEN HAS BEEN CHARGED WITH FOUR FELONY COUNTS OF FRAUD. SHE IS PRESUMED INNOCENT UNTIL THE INSANITY PLEA IS DENIED.
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Peace.

Cuss Count: Pretty Low

Legal Notice: Any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental. This post is satire; and written by an atheist so the whole Heaven and Hell thing doesn't matter.

This Post Is In Memory Of:
DAVE
1966-2010