Exclusive New Twitter For Hoaxers

Twitter announced today that it is to start a new version of the famous social networking site for Michael Jackson Hoax Death believers.

Twitter spokesperson, Jenna Sampson, said to a packed press conference: "As many have become aware by how many times they have seen the fail whale Twitter has become overcrowded and in all honesty our servers are struggling to keep up with demand. We looked long and hard at the current users that are using Twitter and decided that Michael Jackson Hoax Death believers deserved their very own Twitter - which we are calling Twatter. But not all hoax believers will be assigned to Twatter; there is certain criteria to meet. We are at present going through the twitter accounts to ascertain which believers should be moved to Twatter."

The criteria to be moved from Twitter to Twatter is:

• You have tweeted to someone believing them to be Michael Jackson since June 25, 2009.
• You have asked a verified Jackson account for Michael Jackson's twitter account.
• You have followed some anonymous account believing it to be Michael Jackson, a friend of Michael Jackson, an employee of Michael Jackson or the Jackson family.
• You have tweeted that you have spoken to Michael Jackson online.
• You think the number seven holds the answer to the hoax.
• Twitter just thinks you are too weird to be allowed to be around others.

Jenna Sampson, who claimed she was no relation to Amy Sampson, continued: "For the protection of everyone we have to keep these people away from the public. They believe anything. For all we know the next alleged Michael Jackson could be a serial killer and one of these dumb people will be meeting up for a date with death. So we intend to put them in a more secure version of Twitter, called Twatter, where they will be more extensively monitored so they are not harmed; and are a harm to nobody else. We at Twitter like to think of it as Kindergarten Twitter; but we have a ton of Twitter t-shirts to sell so we can just cover the 'i' with an 'a' and still sell them to these people.

The computer industry, and various experts, have complained that Twitter is not supporting a fair and just policy in deciding who is to remain in Twitter and who will be moved to the new Twatter servers.

Al Sharpton, long-time friend of Michael Jackson and unofficial spokesman for the hoax believers said: "Well God bless Twitter. We have to look out for these people. Damn, they so slow they think Michael is going to be tweeting on some website - they obviously need help."

Joe Jackson, father of Michael Jackson, said: "When am I getting paid? Charity? Fuck that. Charity begins at home. I got fucking kids to feed. Admittedly they aint my kids they are Jermaine's kids but I still got to feed them. Twitter? Twatter? Shut the hell up and write me a fucking check."

Bill Gates, of Microsoft, said: "This is how Microsoft envisioned the future. All online activity monitored and people put into certain groups. I wholeheartedly support Twitter and now Twatter in doing this. Microsoft plan to launch MSN for the ghetto in the near future - MFSN (Motherfucking Social Networking)."

Souza, of MJDHI, said: "Wij steunen dit en hopen om te adverteren op ons forum om deze zeer 'bijzondere' gebruikers." Which when translated into a real language says: "We support this and are hoping to advertise our forum to these very 'special' users." Mo, who was unavailable at the conference had a statement read out in English which said: "We are the ones that keep this hoax alive you will all fall to our ways or be crushed. Remember Poland 1939? Queen Souza will rule the world."


Jenna Sampson confirmed that both Souza and Mo will be on the new Twatter servers as soon as possible. She added: "Not because they meet the official criteria but all this Elvis and MJ bullshit has to stop."

Twatter will be launched officially in September 2010.

Peace.

Cuss Count: Medium (Thanks To Joe Jackson)

Legal Notice: Jenna Sampson does indeed work for Twitter but had nothing to do with this post; nor did anyone else as it is merely satire. If you believe in Twatter go to Twatter.com which is actually a website - kind of like Twitter for rejects.