So you heard the news on June 25, 2009 that Michael Jackson was deader than Jermaine Jackson's singing career. You cried a bit. You watched the memorial. You cried a bit more. You watched the funeral. You cried even more. But as time went on things just did not add up; and you started thinking it was a hoax.
You power up the trusty computer, that up until now has only been used for solitaire, and start to investigate the Michael Jackson Hoax Death on the Internet.
STOP! You are not ready. It is a fucking jungle in the hoax world. You need the right tools. You don't pop the hood of your car and just go at it blindly. You don't whip the back off your TV and start monkeying around until the picture comes back. Before you jump in all Perry Mason like you need to get yourself some tools.
First thing first. Yes, it was very nice of Microsoft to install Internet Explorer with Windows but that just isn't going to cut it in the hoaxing world. It was OK to log in to MSN, it even did a half decent job of checking email, but you are a hoaxer now. So head on over to Mozilla and grab yourself a free download of Firefox (It is like Internet Explorer but it works). You no longer need to see the Internet, and Hoaxville, through the eyes of Microsoft.
OK I know what you did. You installed Firefox and thought you were ready. Well don't think like that; that is the amateur way and you are on your way to be a professional hoaxer. There is more to come before you step into the hoaxing world; and more importantly Hoaxville.
Firefox is like a blank canvas. It is what it is. But add a splash of proverbial color and the blank canvas becomes a work of art that even Nelson De La Nuez would be in awe of.
Strap on your seat belt because we are going to add some bells and whistles to Firefox before you hit the Hoaxers Information Super Highway; and Hoaxville.
Adblock+ - There is already enough scum making money off the name of Michael Jackson; and not all of them are Jermaine Jackson. You don't need to be encouraging unscrupulous advertisers. You don't need to be clicking adverts to generate revenue for some shady news source like TMZ. Adblock+ will ensure you never see an advert for "Jermaine Jackson Sings Thriller Only On iTunes" again.
Screengrab! - Does exactly what it says it does. Grab the whole screen, grab a portion of the screen, save as JPG, or save as PNG. The choice is all yours. Why do you need this? Because the hoax has a way of disappearing right before your eyes. Certain forum admins will delete threads because they do not mention the Illuminati. Other forum admins will close threads which didn't have enough flowers growing on them. And when you head over to Hoaxville on Twitter you'll notice certain accounts will just disappear. Usually when the person is outed as a scum bag, a fake, an impostor, or Maura's new account for that week. This is an invaluable tool for referencing the hoax material and ensuring Hoaxville memories live on.
Downloadhelper - Downloads pretty much anything. But for the hoaxer in Hoaxville, it is great for downloading videos from Youtube and the like before the evil Sony corporation have them removed. Also, for those accounts linked to the Twitter accounts mentioned earlier. Their videos go when they fuck off. But you can save them and upload them for all of Hoaxville to admire; once again ensuring that no memory of Hoaxville is ever left behind.
FoxyProxy - At some point in your hoaxing investigations you may get banned. It could be a forum, it could be Tinychat, or it could even be from TMZ for spamming them with "Michael Is Alive" comments. Well now, thanks to FoxyProxy when your IP is banned from anywhere you can pretend you are the only person in Egypt or China with unrestricted Internet access; and go back to where you were banned and raise a little hell.
Now your browser is a fully functioning hoax investigating machine. But it doesn't end there. You need a couple more tools in the old hoax investigators toolkit.
An email address. No, not the one you are currently using for work, family and friends. Sign up for a new email address with Gmail. This will be where all your hoax stuff gets sent. So when you are looking for that elusive document that the boss emailed to you, you don't have to trawl through 100 emails with the subject of "So And So Released A Hoax Video".
A Twitter account. Yeah Facebook and Myspace exist but Twitter is where it is at. Here you will find like-minded hoaxers sharing thoughts, ideas, links, and sometimes just bizarre shit. Also almost every day Michael Jackson himself is on Twitter - and if you are worried about too many people wanting to talk to Michael Jackson don't because he has at least 50 accounts to choose from.
The final thing you will need is alcohol. Once in Hoaxvile you will understand why this is so important. You may feel you don't need to drink alcohol but trust me on this; you will eventually.
But before you head to Hoaxville some advice from a weary traveller who has been down that very road:
Bookmarks - Use them. They make life easier. Don't be putting 5 million icons on your desktop. Bookmarks are your friend.
Scams - Someone somewhere will ask for money. Just politely tell them to fuck off and die somewhere. It is a hoax not a pay-per-view channel.
Weirdos - Unlike Waldo you really don't want to find these people. Chances are you'll bump in to one or two in Hoaxville. Who am I kidding? - The place is littered with them. Leave them in their own drool and you'll be fine.
Fun - Yes it is a hoax and yes it may cover some serious points and issues. But it is your time so have fun, and a smile, while you are hoax investigating.
You are now ready to face the world of Hoaxville. Along the way you will pick up a few more tools but at least you are prepared for the normal day to day bullshit that happens.
Peace.
Cuss Count: Low
Legal Notice: Hoaxville is not a real place. Your GPS will not find it. Not everyone in Hoaxville is a bastard; but like real life there are some out there. Alcohol was suggested for those of age to drink.
