Cigarette Warnings

Today A federal judge blocked a U.S. rule requiring tobacco companies to display graphic images on cigarette packs, such as a man exhaling cigarette smoke through a hole in his throat.

U.S. District Judge Richard Leon sided with tobacco companies and granted a temporary injunction, saying they would likely prevail in their lawsuit challenging U.S. health regulators' rule as unconstitutional because it compels speech in violation of the First Amendment.

But what if the warnings were not so graphic; but still had an impact?

"I SMOKE THESE"

Maybe a picture of the celebrity skank known as Lindsay Lohan saying she smokes them would deter potential smokers?

"EVERY SMOKE MAKES ME MORE FAMOUS"

Or Justin Bieber's fame rising because you smoke a cigarette could deter millions of people from lighting up.

"SMOKE THEM I'M A DOCTOR"

How about the infamous Dr. Conrad Murray saying it is OK to smoke? Surely a recommendation from a doctor that famously screwed up basic CPR should be enough to get people to quit?

The warnings on cigarettes don't have to be graphic - they just have to have reverse endorsements.

The Jurors Speak

With the weekend being the only time that the jurors, in the Conrad Murray trial, can actually take a break in thinking about the trial; it seemed like a great time to get them all in one room. The alcohol started flowing; and the jurors opened up.

Legal Notice: Details may have been fabricated, omitted, or altered for legal purposes. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

MJHDC: So how is deliberations going?
Juror 1: Not good, it is taking forever. Juror 5 had diarrhea on Friday and we ended up taking more breaks than necessary ...
Juror 5: Hey, not my fault. I still say it was the chicken from the court cafeteria that caused it.
Juror 8: Well I had the chicken and it didn't effect me in any way.
Juror 5: Aren't you just special then.
Juror 4: I had a bit of an icky stomach and I had the chicken.
Juror 9: The beef was fine.
MJHDC: OK. Back to the trial. How has the medical evidence played a part in your deliberations?
Juror 7: It didn't. Not in mine any way. They totally lost me. I don't know if it was 25mg or the whole bottle.
Juror 11: Yeah. It was hard to keep up with all the experts.
Juror 10: It wasn't what they were saying it was just how they were saying it.
Juror 2: I'll agree with that. It was bad enough listening to Walgren and Chernoff. And then these so-called experts got on the stand. I was just about ready to blow my own brains out.
Juror 12: Some it did seem a bit in-depth. And how we are meant to understand it all is just crazy.
Juror 3: Its all a fucking hoax. You know that?
MJHDC: Well it is a possibility; that is for sure. So Juror 3 you believe?
Juror 3: Of course. I'm here for the free lunches and a bit of free time away from work and the family. I have 5 kids. Any break I can get I take.
Juror 5: Well if you don't think Michael Jackson is dead how do you intend to come to a verdict.
Juror 3: Not guilty. Dumbass. Its obvious if MJ is alive then Murray is innocent.
MJHDC: So are you allowed to discuss if you have taken any votes yet?
Juror 12: We took a vote as soon as we went in the room. It was 4 for guilty and 7 for not guilty ...
MJHDC: That is only 11.
Juror 12: Well Juror 5 was in the bathroom and wouldn't shout his answer through the door.
MJHDC: I see. Is it still that way now you have had a day of deliberations?
Juror 4: We don't know. We haven't had a vote since.
MJHDC: Well how about now, a quick show of hands? All those that think Conrad Murray is guilty raise your hand. OK that is 3 of you.
Juror 6: What we voting on?
MJHDC: Whether you think Murray is guilty at the present moment.
Juror 6: Oh sorry. I thought it was about who had the chicken still. I don't think Murray is guilty.
Juror 5: Nice going Janice.
Juror 6: Tom I didn't think we were allowed to mention names.
Juror 5: I'm sure he'll edit all that out at the end.
MJHDC: Yeah. Sure; if I remember.
Juror 5: See.
Juror 6: OK then. Well I really liked how Walgren composed himself in the closing argument. If I wasn't a married woman ...
Juror 4: Janice you are not married.
Juror 6: Yes I am. Just because we have never met doesn't mean we can't be married.
Juror 5: Oh for fucks sake. Crazy bitch is never getting married. Lets be honest about it. She spent 15 minutes at lunch yesterday lining her garden peas up on her plate.
Juror 6: Well they did look neater. You know I hate mess.
Juror 5: Yeah you are the only one who took notes in chronological order. Me I just winged it and hoped I could copy off someone at the end.
MJHDC: Sticking to the trial. A lot has been said about Propofol. Anyone ever had it before?
Juror 3: Me. Had it when I came back from the Gulf.
MJHDC: So you was in the Gulf war?
Juror 3: No way. It was a vacation before all this war stuff kicked off. Anyway I drunkenly fell off the balcony at the hotel. Broke my arm and cracked 2 ribs; and had a major gash on my head. They did some exploratory surgery and then it was when I had the Propofol. Well I think it was Propofol it is all a bit hazy.
MJHDC: This discussion isn't breaking Judge Pastor's guidance of not discussing the trial is it?
Juror 12: I don't think so. We only get paid Monday to Friday. So I think as along as it is the weekend we are alright to talk about it.
Juror 9: Do we get a lunch break?
MJHDC: You have been here for 20 minutes. So no.
Juror 9: What about a break?
Juror 1: That has what it has been like all the time. We just start talking and someone wants to do something.
Juror 4: We might head over to Carolwood Drive on Monday. I think as the jury we can ask for little trips to look at the scene.
MJHDC: Sort of. If it is relevant I think you can.
Juror 4: See I told you we could.
MJHDC: I wouldn't take my answer as the final answer.
Juror 3: I'm taking a camera. The only believer on the jury. Be a feather in my cap so to speak.
Juror 6: You don't wear a cap.
Juror 3: It is a figure of speech.
Juror 7: What will we learn from seeing Michael Jackson's bedroom?
Juror 3: Who gives a shit. At least we will be there. I'm wearing my fedora on Monday just in case.
MJHDC: Finally, before I wrap this up, I'd like to ask each of you for your opinion on how the trial went.
Juror 1: I was bored through most of it. Most of my notes are covered in little doodles.
Juror 2: I'd rather not say.
Juror 3: Boring. Boring. And even more boredom. I know MJ is alive so why go through this show?
Juror 4: Its been pretty exciting compared to my normal work. I have 17 cats you know.
MJHDC: I'm sure you do.
Juror 5: At least I'm getting paid for sleeping. And I did get the phone number of Ms Brazil. Result.
Juror 6: I think it has been very enlightening and we are going to be diligent in our deliberations.
Juror 5: Sure we are. Heads he is guilty. Tails he is innocent.
Juror 7: I don't know right now what is going on. Someone shouted 'murderer' at me last night. I got scared.
MJHDC: So, people know who you all are then?
Juror 7: It is a bit obvious. We all leave court wearing our 'juror number badge' so it didn't take them too long to work it out.
Juror 8: He's guilty and I'm going to recommend lethal injection.
MJHDC: Thats not possible. He'll do a maximum of 4 years by California sentencing guidelines.
Juror 8: Well we might as well let him go with the other 30,000 criminals they are releasing then.
Juror 9: Is Lindsay Lohan going to jail? I'm not allowed to watch the news.
MJHDC: Maybe. After she has posed for Playboy. She'll be in overnight and out the next morning.
Juror 10: She's nothing but a skank ho. I'd rather see Betty Ford naked.
MJHDC: Betty Ford is dead.
Juror 10: You got a problem with that?
Juror 11: I'm hoping it all ends soon. I think I am getting sores on my butt from sitting so much. I don't know how the judge does it all the time.
Juror 12: I say we go back Monday and just say "Not guilty" and get it all over with. Aint nobody going to have him as a doctor now anyway.
MJHDC: True that.
Juror 5: Its a fucking hoax. I tried explaining the ambulance picture to you; and the whole Robert Earl Carter connection.
Juror 7: Not that again.
MJHDC: Well you obviously have more to talk about. So good luck on Monday. And about 3.30PM if you could make your announcement I have a little bet going. Thanks.

After this discussion had taken place the jurors all left for their own lives. For legal reasons Janice's real name of Susan, and Tom's real name of Jason, were never mentioned.

To Plea Or Not To Plea?

So, Lindsay Lohan never accepted the plea deal offered by the Los Angeles District Attorney's office. And then lo and behold Judge Schwartz was kind enough to offer her another two weeks to consider an undisclosed deal. The problem with both deals are that they include jail time and have Lindsay Lohan admitting to a felony.

There are a few reasons why Lindsay is better not to cop a plea.

Firstly, there is a witness that has come forward to say that when he went into the jewelry store, and showed an interest in the necklace that Lindsay Lohan allegedly stole, he was told the price was $800. The man has contacted Lindsay Lohan's defense team; and is willing to testify to the fact. California law states:

California Penal Code 487:

Grand theft is theft committed in any of the following cases:

(a) When the money, labor, or real or personal property taken is of a value exceeding nine hundred fifty dollars ($950), except as provided in subdivision (b).

(b) Notwithstanding subdivision (a), grand theft is committed in any of the following cases:

(1) (A) When domestic fowls, avocados, olives, citrus or deciduous fruits, other fruits, vegetables, nuts, artichokes, or other farm crops are taken of a value exceeding two hundred fifty dollars ($250).

So as the item in question is a necklace and not a domestic fowl, avocado, olive, or a deciduous fruit the fact that the necklace is only worth $800 takes the charge from a felony to a misdemeanor; at the very most.

But we also have a few other facts to take into fact. The video surveillance:

It clearly shows the date as January 21, 2061. So, in court, is Deputy District Attorney Danette Meyers going to try and convince a jury that Lindsay Lohan travelled 50 years into the future and stole the necklace? Actually as a felony case it would actually be better for her to suggest this as the $800 necklace may indeed be worth $2500 in 2061. As evidence goes it is pretty worthless due to the incorrect date. As the date is so far out it could have been any time. No it is not the greatest defense in the world; but one of the jobs of a defense lawyer at trial is not only to prove innocence but also prove that the evidence that the prosecution has is worthless.

Then we have the actions of the Jewelry store. Kamofie and Co., of Venice, California have not only sold the surveillance footage to the Associated Press for $35,000 but have also indicated they will auction the necklace after the case concludes. Hardly the actions of a "distressed victim" of a felonious theft. More like the actions of a company wanting to "cash in". And it gets even more surreal when a representative from the jewelry store makes the following statement when Lindsay Lohan threatens to sue for the release of the surveillance footage; citing that she never gave them the right to use her image for profit: "We regret to hear there is trepidation by Miss Lohan in connection with the video. We hope that everyone understands that this is beyond our control, the flood of the requests to see this video were simply too overwhelming. It was truly necessary to put it out."

Beyond their control? Yes, maybe the release of the footage may have been out of their hands. But to sell the footage? No.

So, back to the original question, should Lindsay Lohan take a plea to a felony? Hell no. At the very most it was a misdemeanor. And at the very least it was an honest mistake.

And if you really want to get technical. The Deputy District Attorney and the Judge are pushing that this is also a probation violation. The question is why? Lindsay Lohan has not been found guilty of a crime; merely accused. Is it fair, or even legal, for the Deputy District Attorney and Judge in a case to basically say she is guilty without being found guilty? Now although the US Constitution does not actually say the immortal phrase "innocent until proven guilty" it does give a couple of provisions; such as the right to remain silent and the right to a jury trial; and that the jury be impartial. Nowhere does it state that you can be assumed guilty.

So, back to the question - To plea or not to plea? In this case the answer is obviously No.

And let's not forget that a theft usually involves some sort of loss. Kamofie & Co. have made at least $35,000 from the sale of the surveillance footage and will make even more when the auction of the necklace takes place.

#Justice4Lindsay

Cuss Count: Zero

Legal Notice: This post is in no way offering legal advice; and should not be read as such. This post is not prepared in conjunction with any news agency or any other agency. Also this post was created without the sponsorship of Ferrari - seems the car has not arrived; nor is it likely to.

New Propofol Advertising Announced

Today Astra Zeneca announced a new advertising campaign for the drug it markets as Propofol.

Nigel Poole, spokesperson for Astra Zeneca, said: "Ever since last year our company has received a lot of bad press over Propofol. It didn't help that it was the drug allegedly used by Dr. Conrad Murray; and in turn was attributed to the fatal cardiac arrest suffered by Michael Jackson. Through a process of think tanks and research we have decide to use the negative as an advantage and in the fall of this year will be plastering billboards across the United States with our new advertisements."



Some have suggested that Astra Zeneca are merely attempting to make money off of the name Michael Jackson. One such opponent of the new advertising, Brian Oxman said "Its a fucking joke. This man kills the king of pop and then he gets an advertising contract to market the same drug that he used to kill Michael Jackson."

Jermaine Jackson, brother of Michael Jackson, said "I use it all the time. I use it on the wife. I come home and she starts on about my hair looking greasier than a deep fat fryer and shit. So I just give her a shot and tell her that its the hair that makes the money. She usually has about 7 seconds to answer before the Propofol kicks in."

Jason Weinberg, manager of Lindsay Lohan, had this to say "Obviously my client couldn't be here today but she is here in spirit. Lindsay never wanted to get mixed up with Murray in any way but who knows one day they may be in the same correctional facility. How many other people made $25,000 while sitting in jail and rehab?"

Talking about the advertising Conrad Murray said "I got vacations to pay for, I got child support to pay, I got strippers to pay, and I got to eat too. There aint no fucking patients coming to me for medical advice. Hell, some little punk sprayed 'Rot In Hell Dr Death' on my vehicle. When Astra Zeneca contacted me and said I would get $15,000 I jumped all over it. What the fuck do you mean Lindsay Lohan got $25,000? She aint nothing but a skanky fucking whore. I'm worth more than that drunk ass bitch. Get me my fucking lawyer."


The advertising campaign is expected to start in early October.

Cuss Count: Low

Legal Notice: Nobody really was at the announcement as it never happened. All names used are used in satire. Propofol is not really that good for you.