The Cult Of Dog

It seems any crackpot, crackhead, or just plain weird person can start a religious cult on the back of the Michael Jackson death hoax. So without further ado I present "The Cult Of Dog".

The Cult Of Dog is based on nothing from the Bible but the one passage:

"And there was war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and her angels, And prevailed not; neither was their place found any more in heaven. And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Dutchie, and Souza, which deceiveth the whole world: she was cast out into the earth, and her angels were cast out with her." (BITT Revelation 12:7-9)

You will notice that the above passage is not in any other Bible; other than the Believe In Thinking Translation; which is owned and copyrighted by The Cult Of Dog. This Bible is based on the King James Version; and then just altered to fit particular beliefs.

The first thing that is noticed in the BITT Bible is that there is no God. This position has been taken by Joe Jackson's father; Samuel Jackson. Who creates Joe and Katherine to populate the world; and give the world the one true saviour Michael Jackson. Another thing usually noted is that the character Jesus Of Nazareth has been replaced by Michael Of Indiana.

The BITT Bible has also dropped the whole of Psalms. Replacing it with the book of Tracks - which lists all of the tracks of Michael Jackson.

Another thing instantly noticed by biblical scholars is that the traditional ten commandments have been replaced. They read as:

• I am the King of Pop, which have brought thee out of the land of Country music, out of the house of Opera.
• Thou shalt have no other pop idols before me.
• Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of me, without the consent of the MJ estate.
• Thou shalt not bow down to false pop idols; such as Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, or Miley Cyrus.
• Thou shalt not take the name of the King of Pop in vain.
• Remember the time. Six days shalt thou labor but the seventh day is party.
• Honor thy father and mother; unless your father be like mine.
• Thou shalt not kill my songs at karaoke.
• Thou shalt not commit adultery or you will be forever known as Jermaine.
• Thou shalt not steal my music in MP3 format.
• Thou shalt not bear false witness against Conrad Murray.
• Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's platinum, gold, and silver discs.
• These are the words of Michael Jackson, the King of Pop. Let them be known to every hoaxer.

Another thing often noticed by biblical scholars is that Mary Of Magdalene has gone and is replaced by Lisa Marie Of Memphis. There is talk of a separate church starting which puts Lisa Marie on a higher plain and also the founder of the Elvisite Nuns; this has not been confirmed yet so should not be considered canonical to the BITT Bible.

Every religion needs something which is a gray area. The King James Bible has the apocrypha. The BITT Bible has the "Writings Of Jermaine" which although very close to reality obviously attempts to alter the story in some way.

Another thing that every religion needs is beliefs; other than those outlined in the new ten commandments. Praying to Michael will only take place on social networks. You may chose who you wish to be your Michael Jackson. This is not blasphemy because the real Michael Jackson, after reading all the forums, spends his holy time checking Twitter and Facebook. It is however considered  blasphemy to openly pray on MySpace as nobody will ever see it.

That is kind of all the rules. As for everything else - if it is not mentioned in the Bible you are free to decide.

Taking a lead from the Manson family, and Charlie himself, it is expected for all members of The Cult Of Dog to mark themselves in some way. So nobody is hurt a pen marking will suffice.

Now, for my part. Every religion, no matter how crazy, needs a figurehead. So I will appoint myself as the first 'Pope-like' figure of The Cult Of Dog. Which is only fitting as I am the dog in The Cult Of Dog.

BITT Bibles will available in many languages and many formats real soon.

Amen.

Legal Notice: This whole post is nothing more than a satirical stab at the bullshit that is going on over at the MJDHI forum. It is merely a joke and not a religion. That is not to say that some religions are not jokes but that is a whole different post.

Tweets You Will Never See

With an average of 140 million tweets sent each and every day; there are some tweets you just wish would, one day, turn up in your Twitter time line.

Here are just a few that people are waiting to see appear:

Michael Jackson:

TMZ:

Justin Bieber:

 Jermaine Jackson:

Nelson De La Nuez:

Charles Manson:

Lindsay Lohan:

Barack Obama:

Peace.

Cuss Count: Zero

Legal Notice: None of these tweets have taken place at the time of writing; as it is merely satire. Do not quote these quotes as being from the accounts. This post is satire; and is not connected to the real world or any news agency.

American Idol: The Jacksons

Just recently a unaired special of American Idol turned up. The unaired special features members of the Jackson family. Although, due to legal reasons, I am unable to supply any footage; but the full transcript is reproduced below.

Ryan: Welcome to American Idol, tonight coming live from Encino, California. A special for one night only; featuring Jermaine, Tito, Janet, and Joe Jackson. So without further ado - This is American Idol: The Jacksons.

[Title sequence]

Ryan: Introducing, as always, our expert panel of judges. Steven Tyler, Jennifer Lopez, and Randy Jackson.

[Judges walk in and take their seats; waving to the audience]

Ryan: So, what can we expect tonight?
Steven: Well obviously the talent is expected to be that much higher.
Randy: Hold up dawg. What about Joe?
Steven: I'm expecting big things from Joe.
Jennifer: So was I - but it wasn't ... oh you mean the show.
Ryan: Well the judges are already having differences. So let us introduce our first performer; Jermaine Jackson.

[Jermaine steps out of a cloud of fog]

Ryan: So Jermaine, what was it like growing up in the shadow of Michael?
Jermaine: I don't see it that way. A lot of the success Michael had was because of me.
Ryan: Really?
Jermaine: I taught Michael everything.
Ryan: If you say so. So why was you not as famous?
Jermaine: Michael got beat less than ...

[From offstage Joe Jackson is heard shouting: "Boy shut your mouth or I will come on that stage and whoop your ass."]

Jermaine: See what I mean.
Ryan: OK Jermaine. So what song are you going to be performing tonight?
Jermaine: Tonight Ryan I am going to be singing Jenny From The Block by the beautiful Jennifer Lopez.
Jennifer: Like hell you are.
Ryan: Seems at least one of the judges is doubting your ability.
Jermaine: I'll show them.
Ryan: OK, tonight Jermaine Jackson is Jennifer Lopez.

[Jermaine sings for about 20 seconds]

Randy: Hold up; hold up dawg. What was that?
Jermaine: Jenny From The Block.
Jennifer: Uh uh. No it wasn't.
Jermaine: Sure it was.
Jennifer: It is my song. I know how it should sound.
Randy: I wasn't feeling it dawg.
Jermaine: Can I try again?
Jennifer: What song would you kill this time?
Jermaine: Love In An Elevator by Aerosmith.
Steven: Like fuck you will.
Randy: Sorry dawg. It is just not happening. So Steven?
Steven: Yeah. What?
Randy: What do you think dawg?
Steven: No words can describe that performance. It would be a no from me.
Jennifer: [Through tears] I cannot believe what you did to my song. It is a no.
Randy: Sorry dawg. But it is 3 noes.

Ryan: So Jermaine, the judges were just not liking it.
Jermaine: What do they know. I'm famous. I was on Celebrity Big Brother.
Ryan: That is not really fame.
Jermaine: Sure it is. I was even thinking of doing an American Idol tribute.
Ryan: No.
Jermaine: Please?
Ryan: No Jermaine. Go home.

[From offstage Joe Jackson is heard shouting again: "Pick up some condoms on your way. Your Mom is sick and tired of paying for your kids. I should of done the world a favor when you was a kid and kicked you in the nuts."]

Ryan: We'll be right back.

[Commercial Break]

Ryan: Welcome back to American Idol: The Jacksons special. Coming up now is Tito Jackson.

[Tito steps out of a cloud of fog]

Ryan: Tito.
Tito: Yeah.
Ryan: No, I was just welcoming you. So what song are you doing tonight?
Tito: On The Roof Again by Eve 6.
Ryan: [Laughing] Will you have a taco with you?
Tito: What?
Ryan: You know what I mean - you always go on about being on the roof and eating tacos.
Tito: It is just a song. I cannot eat and sing.
Ryan: Um OK. Tonight Tito is going to be Eve 6.

[Tito sings for about 40 seconds]

Randy: Hold up dawg. Hold up dawg. How old are you?
Tito: I am 57 and holding.
Randy: Really dawg?
Jennifer: I liked it. At least it wasn't Jermaine killing one of my songs this time.
Steven: It was OK but you was all over the place with your pitch. It is a no from me.
Jennifer: It is a yes from me.
Randy: And it is a yes from me.
Steven: Wait a fucking minute here. So basically my vote does not count?
Randy: Of course it does dawg. Just it was 2 - 1.
Steven: You know I could be touring with Aerosmith?
Ryan: Well Tito the judges are split but you made it through.
Tito: Can I go back to the roof now?
Ryan: Sure.
Tito: Thanks.
Ryan: Two down and still two more to come right after this.

[Commercial Break]

Ryan: Welcome back. We have seen Jermaine and Tito and still to come Joe and Janet. Right now Joe Jackson.

[Joe steps out of a cloud of fog]

Joe: Do that again. Introduce me as Mr Jackson. Do it right or I am going to whoop your ass. Just because you are not my kid does not mean I cannot beat you.
Ryan: Really Joe?
Joe: Just do it. Don't make me take my belt off to you boy.
Ryan: Um. OK. Right now is Mr Jackson.

[Joe steps out of a cloud of fog again]

Joe: Now that is better.
Ryan: So Joe.
Joe: I'm taking my belt off.
Ryan: I mean Mr Jackson, what song are you going to be performing tonight?
Joe: Tonight I am going to be singing Thriller by my son Michael.
Ryan: Really?
Joe: Of course not. I am going to be doing Beat It. That has always been a favorite of mine.
Ryan: Figures.
Joe: Don't back chat me boy. Just introduce me.
Ryan: OK. Tonight, for one night only, Joe ... I mean Mr Jackson will be performing Beat It by Michael Jackson.

[Joe sings for about 15 seconds]

Randy: Hold up dawg. What was that?
Joe: Dawg? Last person to call me dawg ended up in the emergency room; it was Marlon. You can call me Mr Jackson or sir. I am not no dawg.
Randy: OK player.
Joe: That is it. You are going to feel my belt.
Randy: Look Mr Jackson it is a no from me.
Jennifer: And it is a no from ...
Joe: Woman who said you could speak? Did either of these men indicate you could? You know my wife? She knows how to behave. She ever steps out of line she feels the back of my hand.
Steven: Mr Jackson it is a no from me too.
Joe: Don't interrupt me when I am speaking. I'll whoop your ass too. That is it I am taking my belt off.

[Joe takes off his belt. His trousers fall around his ankles revealing silk Superman boxers. As he tries to pull his trousers up he is escorted off the stage by security]

Ryan: Only on American Idol. We'll be right back.

[Commercial Break]

Ryan: Welcome back. Our final performer tonight is Janet Jackson.

[Janet steps out of a cloud of fog]

Ryan: Welcome Janet.
Janet: My brother was murdered.
Ryan: Yes; the events were very tragic.
Janet: It is OK. He just faked his death.
Ryan: What?
Janet: My brother was murdered.
Ryan: But you just said. Never mind. Moving on. So, Janet what will you be singing tonight?
Janet: I'm going to be singing Papa Was A Rolling Stone by The Temptations.

[From offstage Joe Jackson is heard shouting yet again: "Girl you pay me respect. I'll beat you too; I don't care who is watching. Now where the hell is my belt?"]

Ryan: OK. Tonight Janet Jackson is The Temptations.

[Janet sings for a full 2 minutes]

Jennifer: [Crying] That was beautiful.
Steven: ooh Momma.
Randy: You knocked that one out of the park.
Jennifer: Everything was perfect. That is a definite yes from me.
Randy: You know I am not related; right?
Steven: Hey Dawg I saw her first.
Randy: Dawg dawg dawg dawg. She is not going to go with some wrinkled up old man.
Steven: Janet, here is the key to my hotel room. That is how you get a yes from me.
Randy: Damn I lost a sister to a white dude. Janet it is a yes from me anyway.
Janet: Thank you, thank you, do I have to let a nipple pop out now?
Ryan: Whoa. And on that note we bring a close to this special edition of American Idol. Janet Jackson is clearly the winner. Goodnight America.

[Ryan walks off drinking a Coke before getting into his Ford Fusion. Steven pops a Viagra pill and heads to the hotel. Randy is last seen scuffling with Joe; arguing about a birth certificate and shouting about "sowing wild oats"]

Peace.

Cuss Count: Minimal

Legal Notice: This post is satire. As such it is not connected with American Idol, The Jackson family, Coke, or Ford. HNN is in no way connected to any news agency. Ferrari still are not sponsoring so buy any car you want.

The Trial: The Finale

It is July 2011 and the trial of Conrad Murray has reached its conclusion. The final day of questioning begins.

Judge: Order. Order. Lets get some order in this court. I know today is the last day so let us not mess about with objections if we can. And I'd like to remind council I have a golf tee of at 3:30PM so keep it brief. Mr Chernoff you have the floor; call your next witness.
Chernoff: Thank you your honor. For my final witness, who is not on the witness list, I'd like to call Michael Jackson.
Walgren: Objection.
Judge: Make it good Mr Walgren.
Walgren: He is calling the deceased. Your honor surely ...
Judge: Mr Walgren I am well aware who Michael Jackson is after all I am not a paramedic. Mr Chernoff I am allowing the witness; and furthermore he has five minutes to take the stand.

In the courtroom there was a disturbance as an elderly man removed his hat, took off his glasses, and removed the scarf from around his face. He stood up and took his long coat off. Jermaine Jackson spoke to him.

Jermaine: Michael, you are alive, my brother is it really you?
Michael: Yes Jermaine it is me. By the way that tribute - that is just one reason I hate your greasy face.

Michael makes his way to the witness stand and took a seat. He wondered why it was called a stand when there was a chair; but that wasn't important.

Judge: You sure you are Michael Jackson?
Michael: Yes your honor.
Judge: Just checking. Don't want you to turn out to be ECasanova. Wouldn't happen to have a driving license?
Michael: Yes your honor.

Michael hands his driving license to the Judge who inspects it.

Judge: Hey Walgren you owe me $50. The middle name says Joe. OK Mr Chernoff I'm satisfied the witness is Michael Jackson. I suppose you want me to dismiss the case against your client?
Chernoff: No your honor. I'd like to be given time to question Mr Jackson.
Judge: Look he is here. No need to question him. Your client, no matter how shady he appears, is obviously innocent.
Chernoff: I understand your honor but there are some facts I'd like entered into public record.
Judge: OK make it quick. Mr Walgren any objection?
Walgren: No your honor. I have already lost the case and the bet. No point worrying about anything now. Hell if Jesus was a surprise witness I would not be surprised.
Judge: Very funny Mr Walgren. OK Mr Chernoff proceed.

Chernoff starts to question Michael Jackson.

Chernoff: Could you state your full name for the court.
Michael: Michael Joe Jackson.
Chernoff: Mr Jackson are you dead?
Michael: Do I look dead?
Judge: Mr Chernoff we have established Mr Jackson is alive. Get on with it.
Chernoff: Mr Jackson on June 25, 2009 did you purposefully fake your death?
Michael: Yes I did.
Chernoff: And why was that?
Michael: The problems I was having with the Legion Of Doom.
Chernoff: What?
Michael: That is what me and Conrad called the Nation Of Islam.
Chernoff: And do you see Mr Conrad Murray in the court?

Michael points at Conrad Murray.

Michael: Well that is Conrad Murray. But that is not his real name.
Chernoff: Do you know the real name of Mr Murray?
Michael: Yes. It is Soule Shaun. We thought it would be funny to use his name at the hospital. That way in reality Soule Shaun did enter the hospital.
Chernoff: I see. And why was Mr Murray at your residence on June 25, 2009?
Michael: He was assigned to protect me and assist me in disappearing.
Chernoff: Escaping from the Legion Of Doom?
Michael: Hee hee.
Chernoff: I mean escaping from the Nation Of Islam?
Michael: Yes.
Chernoff: Would you care to elaborate?
Michael: Well, the Nation Of Islam were taking over my life. They were assigned as my security yet they were really my captors. And Dr Tohme Tohme, or Tum Tum as we referred to him, was orchestrating it all to try and get my assets. He is one of them you know.
Chernoff: And to avoid this you faked your death?
Michael: It is a bit more complicated than that. Let me explain.
Chernoff: Please do.
Michael: Well, with the Nation Of Islam after me I contacted the FBI. And they suggested a meeting and so it didn't look suspicious we met at Dr Arnie Klein's office. At the first meeting it was suggested I needed a FBI agent to protect me from any threat to my life. But so the Nation Of Islam didn't suspect anything the FBI agent was to act as my doctor.
Chernoff: And the reason for the name change?
Michael: Because he was undercover. That is why if you look at his background it has more holes than Swiss cheese.
Chernoff: So why the elaboration of making it look like Conrad Murray had killed you?
Michael: I couldn't just die. I had just passed an extreme physical for the tour insurance. There would be too many questions. Also, the Nation Of Islam might think it suspicious and watch for signs of me being alive; or trail Conrad.
Chernoff: So for the last two years you have been in protective custody?
Michael: Hell no. I've been all over the place. As far as anyone was concerned I was dead. So if people saw me they just thought I was an impersonator.
Chernoff: I see.
Michael: No you didn't. I was at the preliminary hearing and you didn't see me.
Chernoff: You were?
Michael: Yes. Don't you remember that slender blond you gave your number to? That was me.
Chernoff: Really? That would explain why she, I mean you, didn't call.
Michael: Nobody was looking for me so they didn't see me. It was an illusion. And if someone said they saw me they just looked like a redneck National Enquirer reader.
Walgren: Objection. I read the National Enquirer.
Judge: Figures. Shut up redneck.
Chernoff: Finally Mr Jackson, do you now intend to return to your normal life?
Michael: My life is far from normal. I wake in the morning and the paparazzi are taking shots of my bedroom window before I even take my morning dump. But yes I will be returning to my life and children.
Chernoff: No further questions your honor.
Judge: Mr Walgren would you like to cross examine the witness?
Walgren: What is the point? I am here to try Conrad Murray for killing Michael Jackson. Firstly, Conrad Murray is not Conrad Murray. Secondly, Michael Jackson is alive. I worked for two and a half years solid on this case. I missed my wife's birthday because of it. And then today I find all my work was for nothing.
Judge: OK Mr Walgren nobody wants to hear your whiny sob story. Save it for someone who gives a shit. Mr Jackson you are excused.
Michael: Thank you your honor. I have a press conference to attend.

Michael leaves the court surrounded by camera crews and reporters. Meanwhile back in the court.

Judge: Would the defendant rise.

Conrad Murray stands up.

Judge: Mr Murray, Mr Shaun, Mr Soule or whatever your real name is. You are hereby free to leave this court and the case against you is dismissed. Your medical licenses will be reinstated.
Murray: Thank you your honor. But I don't actually have any medical licenses; it was just a cover.
Judge: Yes yes. Anyway, court dismissed. Now get this circus out of here so I can go play golf.

Peace.

Cuss Count: Very Low

Legal Notice: This court case has no bearing on the criminal proceedings against Conrad Murray. Nor does this blog offer any legal advice to Conrad or his attorneys. This post is satire; and should not be considered legal advice by anyone with two or more brain cells.

Alvin And The Chipmunks Are Back

Today at a packed press conference Alvin and the Chipmunks announced their comeback. With a new recording contract from Sony it appears as though Alvin, Simon, and Theo are ready to storm the charts and take the top position from the likes of Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga.

Some of the Chipmunks newer fans might not be so impressed with their new style. Alvin said about the new style: "Man, it is fucked up that you think chipmunks don't grow up. I aint going to be doing little kid shit the rest of my life. And if people don't like it then fuck them. It is what we want to do and not what some snotty nosed kid wants."

Simon, talking about the first single to be released later this year said: "American Bad Ass is ours. People think we are just covering Kid Rock, but we wrote that shit and he stole it. When we was up in Detroit we ran into Kid Rock and he was all up in Alvin's face and Alvin just offered him out right there. Kid Rock backed down faster than shit off a shovel."

Sony spokesperson, Kevin Butler, said "We are happy to have Alvin and the Chipmunks with Sony. Obviously we had to update the image somewhat. And we sat down with them and decided together which direction they wanted to go in. This new image isn't going to be met with enthusiasm from some of the parents but it is the path they want to take. The new album, to be released later this year, is a real venture for these guys."

Theo, speaking about the new album said: "We have been in the studio for the last few months. Laying down some tracks and making it as tight as hell. We have a lot of past to try and forget so we can move forward. I mean those shit films we did with that guy from My Name Is Earl that was just about the money. We didn't want to do them but when someone is waving a pile of cash in front of you then you have to forget dignity. We are already talking to Snoop Dogg about a film where we can show our true selves."

The press conference went without a hitch despite Alvin storming out due to a disagreement about his cocaine habit and rehab. He said as he stormed out "What I put up my fucking nose is none of your fucking business. This is showbiz bitch you got to do certain things to survive the shit they throw at you."

Britney Spears, speaking at the press conference, was shocked "I thought they were cute and fluffy, you know like fluffy little clouds, and then they swear and and say things even I wouldn't say. I was shocked. But I am dating Alvin in an on/off relationship."



Cuss Count: High

Legal Notice: Sony, Alvin & The Chipmunks, Kid Rock, and Britney Spears had nothing to do with this imaginary press conference. Snoop Dogg is actually talking a film deal with the chipmunks. This post is satire. Do not take it seriously.