It seems any crackpot, crackhead, or just plain weird person can start a religious cult on the back of the Michael Jackson death hoax. So without further ado I present "The Cult Of Dog".
The Cult Of Dog is based on nothing from the Bible but the one passage:
"And there was war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and her angels, And prevailed not; neither was their place found any more in heaven. And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Dutchie, and Souza, which deceiveth the whole world: she was cast out into the earth, and her angels were cast out with her." (BITT Revelation 12:7-9)
You will notice that the above passage is not in any other Bible; other than the Believe In Thinking Translation; which is owned and copyrighted by The Cult Of Dog. This Bible is based on the King James Version; and then just altered to fit particular beliefs.
The first thing that is noticed in the BITT Bible is that there is no God. This position has been taken by Joe Jackson's father; Samuel Jackson. Who creates Joe and Katherine to populate the world; and give the world the one true saviour Michael Jackson. Another thing usually noted is that the character Jesus Of Nazareth has been replaced by Michael Of Indiana.
The BITT Bible has also dropped the whole of Psalms. Replacing it with the book of Tracks - which lists all of the tracks of Michael Jackson.
Another thing instantly noticed by biblical scholars is that the traditional ten commandments have been replaced. They read as:
- I am the King of Pop, which have brought thee out of the land of Country music, out of the house of Opera.
- Thou shalt have no other pop idols before me.
- Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of me, without the consent of the MJ estate.
- Thou shalt not bow down to false pop idols; such as Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, or Miley Cyrus.
- Thou shalt not take the name of the King of Pop in vain.
- Remember the time. Six days shalt thou labor but the seventh day is party.
- Honor thy father and mother; unless your father be like mine.
- Thou shalt not kill my songs at karaoke.
- Thou shalt not commit adultery or you will be forever known as Jermaine.
- Thou shalt not steal my music in MP3 format.
- Thou shalt not bear false witness against Conrad Murray.
- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's platinum, gold, and silver discs.
- These are the words of Michael Jackson, the King of Pop. Let them be known to every hoaxer.
Another thing often noticed by biblical scholars is that Mary Of Magdalene has gone and is replaced by Lisa Marie Of Memphis. There is talk of a separate church starting which puts Lisa Marie on a higher plain and also the founder of the Elvisite Nuns; this has not been confirmed yet so should not be considered canonical to the BITT Bible.
Every religion needs something which is a gray area. The King James Bible has the apocrypha. The BITT Bible has the "Writings Of Jermaine" which although very close to reality obviously attempts to alter the story in some way.
Another thing that every religion needs is beliefs; other than those outlined in the new ten commandments. Praying to Michael will only take place on social networks. You may chose who you wish to be your Michael Jackson. This is not blasphemy because the real Michael Jackson, after reading all the forums, spends his holy time checking Twitter and Facebook. It is however considered blasphemy to openly pray on MySpace as nobody will ever see it.
That is kind of all the rules. As for everything else - if it is not mentioned in the Bible you are free to decide.
Taking a lead from the Manson family, and Charlie himself, it is expected for all members of The Cult Of Dog to mark themselves in some way. So nobody is hurt a pen marking will suffice.
Now, for my part. Every religion, no matter how crazy, needs a figurehead. So I will appoint myself as the first 'Pope-like' figure of The Cult Of Dog. Which is only fitting as I am the dog in The Cult Of Dog.
BITT Bibles will available in many languages and many formats real soon.
Amen.
Legal Notice: This whole post is nothing more than a satirical stab at the bullshit that is going on over at the MJDHI forum. It is merely a joke and not a religion. That is not to say that some religions are not jokes but that is a whole different post.
