Peter Griffin Speaks About The Hoax

In a new series of posts guest authors will be presenting the hoax as they see it. Not all the guests are believers in the hoax - each and every opinion is merely theirs...


Hi, my name is Peter Griffin you might remember me from such great shows as Family Guy and ... well that's it really. I've been following the hoax like a fat woman's eyes follow the dessert cart in a restaurant, but I have been doing it all stealth like a ninja, actually down at the Drunken Clam they call me the Hoax Ninja - but I don't have those stars to throw at people and stick them in the head.

Anyway I remember June 25, 2009 like it was yesterday. When I saw the news that Michael Jackson was dead I said to Lois, well actually I shouted to Lois as she was getting me a beer, "Holy crap! Michael Jackson has hoaxed his death." It wasn't too hard for me to believe because my uncle, Elvis Griffin, did the exact same thing - except his was to get out of paying a bar tab; and he came back 10 years later as a filipino prostitute.

But back to the hoax, there is no freaking way that was Michael Jackson in the ambulance. The big clues are:

1 - No sequined glove. He always wore it; even when he masturbated. I remember Lisa Marie Presley complaining to some reporter after the marriage that he never took it off and that the sequins hurt her boobs. Or was that something Quagmire told me? Anyway it definitely is true.

2 - He wasn't moonwalking. He moonwalked everywhere. I bet he would moonwalk to the shops if he ever went to buy another glove.

3 - No sirens. If I was Michael Jackson in an ambulance not only would I have the sirens on but the sirens would be playing "Beat It".

4 - Jermaine Jackson was nowhere to be seen. He'd of been in front of every camera going "I want to be like Michael, I want to be like Michael.", until he tried to moonwalk and slipped on the grease from his hair and fell under the ambulance and got all mashed up like a potato or maybe a yam.

And then at the hospital no nurses, in thin slinky white uniforms, on TV going "I just saw Michael Jackson naked and I touched him like I'm not meant to and stuff." like they do on the movies you can only watch at a motel so they don't go on your cable bill as long as register at the desk as Mr. Peter Smith. Come on, the King of Pop is lying naked on a bed and no nurse saw it. You have to be kidding me?

This Dr. Conrad Murray just isn't right either. Every time I see him I wonder what it would be like if Cleveland was Dr. Murray. Buying pills and things from Mort to use in ways only a black doctor would know how to use them. Cleveland would be so guilty he would be sharing a cell with Bubba, or Tyrone, and having man-sex for Twinkies. But Dr. Murray is all as cool as a cucumber going to strip clubs and watching young ladies undress, putting a dollar in their thong, telling them to spit on him and call him Killer. And then getting freaky after hours in the back of his car. I'd bet he wouldn't even pay the cover charge to get in. Just be all like "I'm Conrad Murray I can kill you in your sleep."

And don't even get me started on the funeral or memorial. Where the hell was Diana Ross? "Oh you can look after my kids if Mom is too busy looking after Jermaine and his kids, but don't bother coming to my funeral or anything. I know you are sooooooooo busy and that." It just doesn't make sense; and nobody in the media questions any of this crap. I know Channel 5 news aint the greatest but even that Asian chick Tricia Takanawa would have been suspicious. She'd of been asking "Where is Diana Ross?" And if she didn't Diane Simmons would of been all up in her face crying "Hey ask the questions or we deport you back to China and you'll walk the streets turning tricks for a couple of yen." But then Tom Tucker would be all defensive and stick up for Tricia and beat Diane up.

Well that's about all I have time for right now. I have to meet the guys down at The Clam. But trust me when I tell you that Michael Jackson is alive - he may be here in Quahog.

Cuss Count: None

Legal Notice: Peter Griffin is a fictional character. As such misrepresenting him doesn't really represent the basis of a lawsuit unless it was not done in satire as it was on the occasion.

The Biggest Clue Is Not Always Obvious

I have long been a believer that the ambulance picture was a fake. But this lead me to thinking that Michael left before the ambulance did.

Well, I was going over the ambulance leaving footage, from Hollywood TV, again and something hit me.

Once the first ambulance leaves and the cameraman runs to his car to start chasing the ambulance there is a shot of a second ambulance still in the driveway (approximately 1:42 to 1:48).

2nd Ambulance Visible In Driveway

The hoax started with one of the oldest magician tricks in the book. The good old tried and tested slight of hand trick.

The first ambulance leaves in basically a blaze of glory with the paparazzi trying to get pictures of who is inside. Then the paparazzi follow the first ambulance off to the UCLA Medical Center. But nothing is known about the second ambulance.

Bear with me on this one as it is somewhat confusing and I'm not 100% sure that my explanation will do the scene justice.

The first ambulance reverses out of the driveway with 'allegedly' Michael Jackson in it. The paparazzi try to get pictures of who is in the ambulance and then run to their vehicles to follow the ambulance. All of the fuss is over. Everyone assumes that the first ambulance as it left took whoever in it.

This is where the slight of hand distraction takes place. For years magicians have used the slight of hand to distract people from what is truly going on - look at this hand waving the scarf about while this hand palms the coin. So with everyone watching the first ambulance, and all the fuss being shown around the first ambulance making its way out of the driveway nobody is looking at the second ambulance.

Then like a master magician, once the distraction has taken place - in this case everyone has been distracted by the first ambulance and the paparazzi have followed that - Michael slips out in the second ambulance unnoticed.

It is so simple it could be considered foolish to attempt such a simple trick. But at the same time as it being simple it is also pure brilliance. A tried and tested method of keeping the distracted audience from seeing the illusion unfolding right before their eyes.

I'm not saying this is definite or anything close to being proven. Just that sometimes I look at the clues and think to myself "Is it really this complex? Has it really been planned for years? Do all these people really know anything?" Sometimes the most brilliant plan is the most simple plan.

Just an idea I had; thought I'd share it.

Peace.

Dissecting The Hoax - Part One

Before anyone gets too excited that this is going to be a mini-series style thing that has loads of parts - it is only called "Part One" in case I remember to add some more at a later date.

A lot has gone on since June 25, 2009 and every forum, and all the members of those forums, have put a tremendous amount of work into investigating various clues, slip-ups, and theories trying to work out what happened.

The following is merely my 'take' on things. How I saw things; and a few observations. In no way is it a definitive theory or explanation.

Dr Conrad Murray

Without even getting in to the fact that may not even be his real name Conrad Murray did some weird shit on the morning of June 25, 2009. A cardiologist doing CPR on a soft bed? Give me a break - I did a first aid course which is about as low on the medical ladder as possible and even in that they said CPR was to be administered on a hard surface. Makes sense too - why push down on a chest which is just going to sink in to a soft mattress? So a licensed, if he is indeed licensed, cardiologist should have known that without even thinking about it - so why does this alleged doctor try to administer CPR on a bed and only move to the floor when 911 dispatch tell him? Seriously you wouldn't trust this guy to look at your dog never mind a human being. Something stinks - whether it was Conrad Murray really is that incompetent or whether the 911 caller forgot what he was meant to say.

The 911 Call

Once again without getting into the fact that the 911 caller, identified as Alberto Alvarez, sounded way too calm during the whole conversation nothing about the 911 call really adds up. Firstly the whole dialogue of the call just seems so wrong. If you call 911 for a musical icon you mention the name at the very beginning to make sure that they know it is not just some Joe Public. The call should have gone something like this:

911 Operator: What is your emergency?
Alvarez: I need an ambulance as soon as possible sir.
911 Operator: What is your address?
Alvarez: It is Michael Jackson.
911 Operator: OK, we will have someone there ASAP.
Alvarez: He has a doctor with him who is doing CPR on a bed.
911 Operator: You have to be fucking kidding me. On a bed?
Alvarez: Yes sir.
911 Operator: You might want to keep that quack away from Michael.
Alvarez: The ambulance is here.
911 Operator: OK, they will handle things, goodbye.
Alvarez: Bye.

The whole call would have lasted about 30 seconds not almost 2 minutes. The emergency services can say they respond to each case in exactly the same way; but real life proves this just is not true. If Joe Public is having a cardiac arrest he'll get an ambulance sure, but if Michael Jackson is having a cardiac arrest the ambulance gets there a hell of a lot faster.

As a trained bodyguard shouldn't have Alvarez known some first aid at least? You are protecting a musical legend and if by some chance he was choking, or had been shot by some crazed stalker, shouldn't the bodyguard who is closest to him know a little bit about first aid? Why didn't Alvarez know that CPR should be done on a hard surface?

Alvarez says in the 911 call "We have a gentleman here who needs help and he is not breathing yet, he's not breathing, we are trying to pump him." How does the quality 911 operator handle this statement? By asking how old the gentleman is. Does it fucking matter if he is not breathing? I don't think it matters one iota if he is 50 or 15 the guy is not breathing - seconds count when someone is not breathing. What the fuck next want to check his shoe size before you worry if anyone is doing CPR?

The 911 operator asks "Did anyone witness what happened?" but nobody answers. Why didn't the 911 operator ask the question again? There is a big difference between just stopping breathing and the possibility of swallowing something that blocks the airway. The 911 operator should have already guessed the doctor was incompetent by doing CPR on a bed.

Then the 911 operator says that the ambulance is less than a mile away call us back if you need any help. Call us back if you need any help? Fuck off that shit is not even funny. There is a gentleman not breathing and an incompetent doctor of course the caller needed help. He didn't just call to check on the order status of a new television. When did 911 start asking you call back? I'm no expert but everything that I found about this says that 911 operators stay on the line with you until the ambulance arrives. Was it his fucking break time? Was he worried that he may break some union rule by working a couple of minutes longer? Why hasn't this 911 operator been questioned by the police to see what was so important that he had to get off the phone?

The Ambulance Leaving

When is an emergency not an emergency? When it takes the ambulance 1 minute and 30 seconds to reverse out of the gates. What the fuck was happening here? Was there a 5 mile per hour speed limit sign posted on the drive?

Adding up all the time there is about 45 minutes where Michael Jackson has allegedly not been breathing (12:21PM the 911 call is made, 12:26PM the paramedics arrive, 1:08PM the paramedics leave). And the ambulance driver is on some fucking Sunday drive; fuck the paparazzi - if they are too stupid to stand in the way of an ambulance run them over. The reversing siren is going, and the dumb fucks run towards it - no judge would complain that they ran over a photographer that was impeding the emergency medical staff from doing their job. Judge would be fine with it:

Judge: Were your lights and reverse sirens working?
EMS Driver: Yes your honor.
Judge: Did the photographer run at the ambulance even after hearing the siren?
EMS Driver: Yes your honor.
Judge: Well, it's his own fault then. Actually by California law we should arrest the photographer.

So why does it take 1 minute and 30 seconds to leave? Because the ambulance has to reverse out of the drive. Why does it reverse? Because a second ambulance is blocking the drive near the house so that the ambulance allegedly carrying Michael cannot flip a u-turn. Were these paramedics all fucking training? Who the fuck was in charge of blocking access? Come on, it looks by all evidence that it was their first day on the job. Why didn't someone say after the paramedics were actually in the house "Get these vehicles sorted so we can get out when we need to."?

As the ambulance had to reverse out, that would suggest that allegedly when Michael was taken out of the house on a stretcher they had to walk round the ambulance to get him in the back.

Conclusion

Nothing adds up and everyone seems so amateur at their job. Dr Murray makes a huge mistake, the 911 operator makes big mistakes, and the ambulance personnel make some major mistakes. With all these inconsistencies in how things should go for just the general public when it is a musical legend, such as Michael Jackson, these people should be on their 'A game' not fucking up like it was their first day at training.

Peace.

Legal Notice: For once there is no legal notice required. But as I'm always putting them here it seemed empty without one so I filled this space with a nonsensical explanation.