Hi, my name is Peter Griffin you might remember me from such great shows as Family Guy and ... well that's it really. I've been following the hoax like a fat woman's eyes follow the dessert cart in a restaurant, but I have been doing it all stealth like a ninja, actually down at the Drunken Clam they call me the Hoax Ninja - but I don't have those stars to throw at people and stick them in the head.
Anyway I remember June 25, 2009 like it was yesterday. When I saw the news that Michael Jackson was dead I said to Lois, well actually I shouted to Lois as she was getting me a beer, "Holy crap! Michael Jackson has hoaxed his death." It wasn't too hard for me to believe because my uncle, Elvis Griffin, did the exact same thing - except his was to get out of paying a bar tab; and he came back 10 years later as a filipino prostitute.
But back to the hoax, there is no freaking way that was Michael Jackson in the ambulance. The big clues are:
1 - No sequined glove. He always wore it; even when he masturbated. I remember Lisa Marie Presley complaining to some reporter after the marriage that he never took it off and that the sequins hurt her boobs. Or was that something Quagmire told me? Anyway it definitely is true.
2 - He wasn't moonwalking. He moonwalked everywhere. I bet he would moonwalk to the shops if he ever went to buy another glove.
3 - No sirens. If I was Michael Jackson in an ambulance not only would I have the sirens on but the sirens would be playing "Beat It".
4 - Jermaine Jackson was nowhere to be seen. He'd of been in front of every camera going "I want to be like Michael, I want to be like Michael.", until he tried to moonwalk and slipped on the grease from his hair and fell under the ambulance and got all mashed up like a potato or maybe a yam.
And then at the hospital no nurses, in thin slinky white uniforms, on TV going "I just saw Michael Jackson naked and I touched him like I'm not meant to and stuff." like they do on the movies you can only watch at a motel so they don't go on your cable bill as long as register at the desk as Mr. Peter Smith. Come on, the King of Pop is lying naked on a bed and no nurse saw it. You have to be kidding me?
This Dr. Conrad Murray just isn't right either. Every time I see him I wonder what it would be like if Cleveland was Dr. Murray. Buying pills and things from Mort to use in ways only a black doctor would know how to use them. Cleveland would be so guilty he would be sharing a cell with Bubba, or Tyrone, and having man-sex for Twinkies. But Dr. Murray is all as cool as a cucumber going to strip clubs and watching young ladies undress, putting a dollar in their thong, telling them to spit on him and call him Killer. And then getting freaky after hours in the back of his car. I'd bet he wouldn't even pay the cover charge to get in. Just be all like "I'm Conrad Murray I can kill you in your sleep."
And don't even get me started on the funeral or memorial. Where the hell was Diana Ross? "Oh you can look after my kids if Mom is too busy looking after Jermaine and his kids, but don't bother coming to my funeral or anything. I know you are sooooooooo busy and that." It just doesn't make sense; and nobody in the media questions any of this crap. I know Channel 5 news aint the greatest but even that Asian chick Tricia Takanawa would have been suspicious. She'd of been asking "Where is Diana Ross?" And if she didn't Diane Simmons would of been all up in her face crying "Hey ask the questions or we deport you back to China and you'll walk the streets turning tricks for a couple of yen." But then Tom Tucker would be all defensive and stick up for Tricia and beat Diane up.
Well that's about all I have time for right now. I have to meet the guys down at The Clam. But trust me when I tell you that Michael Jackson is alive - he may be here in Quahog.
Cuss Count: None
Legal Notice: Peter Griffin is a fictional character. As such misrepresenting him doesn't really represent the basis of a lawsuit unless it was not done in satire as it was on the occasion.
