In A Coma

For those of you that are too lazy to follow me on Twitter you may not know that it was reported that I was allegedly dead. This is not true. I never died. I have since found out this was a rumor started by Karl who was hoping to get my spot in the alley where I live. The truth is that I was in a coma. I don't know all the details because I was in coma but I can tell you what I experienced while I was in the coma.

Some of you may not want to hear what I experienced, just simply because it goes against what you think you know, but I experienced it; I went through it. If you don't want to read then don't.

When I was in a coma I experienced some really strange stuff. I felt I was dead. As my body laid there I was somehow looking down on it as I rose up in the sky. It was odd because I was shouting at people below to grab me but nobody even noticed me. As I passed through the clouds I really thought I was dead; which was quite a strange feeling. On one hand I was pissed that I was dead but on the other hand I was happy that I was heading upwards and not downwards.

After passing through the clouds I came to this city. It looked like Detroit but there was no garbage on the streets. I stood there for a few minutes, just looking at how clean and bright everything was, when some guy touched my shoulder.

I wasn't sure where I was, or whether I was alive or dead, so my first instinct was to turn around and shout "Get the fuck off me. I have no money for you." He smiled, and said, "Brother I'm just here to help you." He looked like he had a honest face so I asked him where I was.

His answer scared the shit out of me. He said I was in Heaven. I asked him if I was dead and he said that I wasn't dead I was merely resting and experiencing some kind of euphoric nirvana. I told him that I had nothing to do with Kurt Cobain; and not to judge me. He said that I wouldn't be judged for a day or two. I asked him if I was in Purgatory. He laughed and said that was just a Catholic scam; and didn't really exist.

As we walked to what he called the 'Induction Hall' we chatted. And I asked him the obvious question - So is Michael Jackson in Heaven? He looked at me, smiled, and said "Yes. It was pretty much the only way to escape the cruel world below." I mentioned that Walmart had fired me for no reason whatsoever, so I knew how cruel the world was, but he didn't seem to care.

I'm not sure how to describe the Induction Hall. Think of the DMV but with friendly people who have souls.

(At this point I'd like to mention to any DMV personnel that if I come into the DMV office not to hold that example against me.)

I took a number from the machine and joked about feeling like I was at the Deli and would order a pound of bologna when I got to the front. I looked down and the ticket was D666. I thought that was not a good thing, so I dropped the ticket and picked another, again it was D666. I must have pulled about 100 tickets and they all said D666. Then the guy said: "Pull as many tickets as you want they will all say the same. It is a ticket for you. No matter what ticket you pull it will be yours."

Now I was panicking. I'd somehow just arrived in Heaven and the first souvenir is a ticket saying D666. I might as well not wait for the judging and just jump down to Hell.

One good thing about Heaven - no waiting. As soon as I approached they called out "D666". I did hesitate at first hoping some other sucker got the same number; but I was that sucker.

I approached the desk, and this nice young lady asked me to be seated, she confirmed my name was David Jackson, and then proceeded to go through a few details. Well, to cut the boredom out of Heaven suffice to say I was assigned a hotel room until my judgement and given a complimentary bag of goodies. The bag contained a map, some phone numbers, and a few toiletries. As I was leaving the desk I apologized for the D666 ticket. The young lady smiled at me and said: "Let us hope its not a sign." It was at that point I remembered that Michael Jackson was here. I asked her which room he was in. She said that he had already been judged, and that if you stay in Heaven after your judgement you move to Paradise City. I asked if she used to be a Guns N Roses fan. No response. I asked if I could get Michael Jackson's phone number. She said no; but she could inform him that I wished to speak to him. Something to do with 'judgement waiters' could not contact those that had already been judged; but it worked the other way around.  I joked it was like trying to talk to the IRS; she didn't get that joke either.

The hotel room I got was pretty nice. Basic but nice. One tip for anyone that ends up in the 'Judgement Hotel' don't waste your time trying to select the 'adult' channels on the TV; they are blocked and a notice comes on the screen saying: "Those types of channel are blocked. If you wish to watch that sort of thing go to Hell."

I awoke the next morning feeling really refreshed. I have to admit that I almost forgot I dead; well half-dead. Now when I say half-dead I wasn't a zombie. I don't truly know how it all worked but I was in Heaven and not dead.

I was watching the weather as I ate breakfast; pondering how they knew that Fruit Loops were my favorite. Then the phone rang. It was the guy I had met the day before. He told me that there had been a cancellation and I was going to be judged today. He said he would pick me up from the hotel.

This was not good. I got dressed. I was trying to decide whether shoplifting was a crime or a sin. I didn't want to go to Hell just for surviving. OK there were a few items I took that I could have survived without; but overall it was purely survival.

I thought of all the good I had done on Earth. That lasted about two seconds.

I went down to the lobby and waited. Once again the wait was short. My friend said we would walk to the Judgement Hall. I hate walking but luckily it was only a short walk. I asked him if Jesus was going to be the one that judged me. He said Jesus doesn't judge. I said I hope it is not Judge Judy. Nothing. Seriously, Heaven needs a sense of humor.

Once in the Judgement Hall I was told to go in a room. I went in. Sitting at the front was God. I think it was God. He said he was God; but I have never seen God so I had to take his word for it.

He said that I was lucky that my judgement had been moved forward. I jokingly said that it depends where I end up. Once again nothing.

He checked that I was David Jackson and asked why I preferred to be called Dave. I told him most of the people I know have problems remembering long names. He shook his head. He then started on about whether I would like to call any witnesses. I said I'd like to call Michael Jackson seems I may never get the chance to see him otherwise. God asked me which Michael Jackson. Oh shit I never thought that Heaven would have more Michael Jacksons than Twitter. I told him the Michael Jackson known as the King of Pop. He said they had no record. I told him that I had already asked 2 people and they had confirmed that Michael Jackson was there. He asked me who I asked, I told him, and in a flash of light they were both there. God asked them if I had mentioned Michael Jackson to them. Both said I had but that I had not really been clear about which one.

God looked at me sternly and said that since the beginning of time there had been close to 4 million Michael Jacksons; and of those there were 989,734 in Paradise City. I thought about the Guns N Roses joke but decided not to mention it.

So, Michael Jackson, well the one I wanted to talk to, was not dead. This was proof that Michael Jackson was alive. This was more proof than some stupid number theory. This was more proof than Harvey Levin saying something. God himself had just told me that Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, was alive.

I interrupted God, and said that as I wasn't dead I didn't think I'd be judged. He got really angry at that. He threw his gavel at the court clerk, and was muttering under his beard. He then looked at me and said: "I'm sorry Mr David Jackson there seems to have been an error. You are right in the fact that I cannot judge you until you die. So see this as a chance to go back to Earth and spread the word."

I thanked him and told him not to worry; that I would tell everyone that God said Michael Jackson is alive. He was saying something as I left; but I didn't hear him.

I awoke from the coma. And although it had all happened in a couple of days I had actually been in Heaven almost a year. It was an odd feeling.

Well, that is my experience of Heaven. A place with no sense of humor. I don't care if anyone believes me or not I lived it (not sure lived it is the right expression for dying). And as God, and Bon Jovi say: Keep the faith!

Secret Shopper

Well some have been wondering where I have been; and asking questions about what I have been up to. Well, I am Michael Jackson. Nah, I am just kidding you; but I have started wearing various disguises when I am in public working.

I'm getting ahead of myself slightly here. About two weeks ago I answered an advert looking for people to go shopping and get paid for it. I thought to myself 'Hey I can shoplift a piece of cake - so actually paying for it with someone else's money should be even easier'.

I called the number on the advert even thought the newspaper was 3 days old and the following day met with a gentleman called Chris. He explained the job and said their main customer was Walmart. So I told him I had been successfully shoplifting at Walmart for the last 3 years and had only been caught the once - which was now completely finished with.

He admired my honesty and informed me I had the job. I'll be honest with you I was as happy as a pig in shit. He handed me a bag and said that was so the workers would not recognize me. I looked inside and there were various pairs of glasses, a couple of false beards, and some other bits and pieces.

Chris said he would call me in a couple of days with my first job; and that I would be paid $150 for the day. Forget the pig I was happier than a whole herd of pigs in shit.

Chris was as good as his word and called me two days later with a list of things to do while I was in the store:

• Ask an employee where the bleach is while in the automotive section; and see if they just point or actually take me there.
• Ask an employee at Customer Services what their return policy is and specifically ask about underwear.
• Buy 25 items and make sure they are big and bulky. See if an employee will offer to assist in taking the things out.
• See if the 'greeter' employee offers you a sticker and welcomes you.

Nothing too difficult I thought. I asked him how I was meant to pay for the products and he said to pop in to the office and see Sharon for some cash which must be accounted for by the receipt. So I did just that.

Happy to be working I walked in to Walmart. That is where things started going wrong.

Firstly the greeter did not greet me as he was talking to an old army buddy. When I interrupted and said "Hello" he just replied "What the fuck do you want?" When I told him I was there to do some shopping he pushed me away from him and said "Well don't let me hold you up or the short bus will leave without you." I then asked if I could have a sticker and he gave me the whole roll and said "I have been laid off. I finish at the end of the week. Shove them up your ass for all I care."

Not a good start after all. But I was still optimistic that things would get better. So I made my way to the automotive section.

Sad to say but things did not get better.

I asked an employee named Gavin, who was in the automotive section, where the bleach was. He did not know. His actual words were "Fucked if I know this is the automotive section." I explained that I knew that but I needed some bleach. He told me to ask someone else as his fingers tapped away at his smart-phone; updating his Facebook status. I said that as the customer it was his job to ensure I was a happy customer. He said, and I use his exact words, "I was at this banging party last night and I don't know if it was the weed or the alcohol but I'm pretty fucked up right now. Look, they pay me $7.25 an hour to turn up to this shit hole to deal with fucking idiots that don't know the difference between a dipstick and a fucking brake pad. So if I don't care that you are not happy you'll understand why I don't give a shit." Slightly off-putting but I left Gavin as he looked like he was about to puke into a pile of discount tires.

Two down and ultimately two failures. I had two more tasks left. Hopefully they would result in a better outcome. So I went over to Customer Service to ask about their return policy regarding underwear.

At Customer Service a woman named Janice asked me what she could do. She didn't laugh when I said "I don't know how about you juggle some balls." she just said "Either you need my help or fuck off back to whatever institution you escaped from." I then told her I was wondering about the return policy regarding underwear. She asked me what sort of underwear it was. I was not ready for that question so I blurted out the first thing and said "Bra and panties; they don't fit me." She looked at me then spoke to one of her colleagues and they both looked at me. When she had finished laughing she said "I'm sorry we cannot accept returns on underwear unless it is faulty." At last someone who knew their job. She said "Maybe your boyfriend can get you a better fitting set next time." I don't know why she presumed I was gay I never said anything that indicated that. So I just thanked her and went on to the last task I had to complete.

25 bulky items. Easy. I won't bore you with the exact details but let me tell you the cart was practically overflowing. I got to the checkout and that bit went fine. The I pretended to struggle with the items and the cart. Instead of being asked if I needed help all the checkout assistant could say was "Hey guy can you get a move on i have customers here." I told I would be a lot quicker if someone could help me. She replied "You'll be lucky. We used to have people that would help and that but since the cutbacks chances are if you can't get it to your car you shouldn't have purchased all that shit." I pushed the cart wondering to myself what had happened to the idea that the customer was always right.

I took the shopping to Chris's office and started to tell him what a nightmare it had been at Walmart. He said not to tell him and just email him the report; but he did say it was usually like that at Walmart since they started hiring the mentally handicapped; and he said at night the workers looked like extras from the Michael Jackson Thriller video. I was going to mention the whole death hoax but he looked like he didn't care. Actually he didn't even care that I had dressed up as a Jewish priest so as not to be recognized. He then told me that Sharon would pay me and make sure the report was sent within 24 hours.

I am paying taxes again.

Well that was the first time. I have done several secret shops since and am totally enjoying my work. At this rate I will be able to save for a deposit on a nice place to live. Not sure what I will be called then though; as I have got used to being called Homeless Dave.

Dream Dictionary

Ever since I upgraded to Windows XP, and McDonalds upgraded their free WiFi to actually be faster than a 56K modem, I have discovered more and more things on the Internet.

One of the things I discovered was a Dream Dictionary online. It is at DreamMoods.com. So I looked up the dream I had last night.  Now before I mention what the dream means I better tell you what the dream was about.

The dream I had went like this; as far as I remember: I was stealing from Walmart and I was getting my usual toiletries, food, and a couple of luxury items. Well as I was putting all this stuff in my various pockets they never seemed to fill. So I put in more and more stuff; and then it just got ridiculous and I was putting 50" wide screen televisions in my back pocket.  Well as I was doing all this I didn't notice the shelves were empty and there was nothing left to steal. So I started making my way to leave the store and all the workers were crying. As I got to the door I was stopped by Elvis dressed as a cop and he said "Not on my watch." and escorted me to his police car. I thought we were going to the police station but we stopped and he started selling everything to all these famous people. Celebrities were just buying all this stolen Walmart stuff because it was Elvis selling it. When he was done he had about $100,000 and he gave me $50,000 and said "Now make a fresh start" and let me go. Well I went straight to a realtor and got myself a home. But when I moved in all the Walmart employees that no longer had jobs asked if they could move in. Me and the Walmart employees devised a plan to launch Davemart. I don't know how it turned out because I woke up.

Maybe I shouldn't have ate that cheese string before I went to sleep.

So, as I said, I looked it up online in the Dream Dictionary:

Stealing - To dream that you are stealing, suggests that you are feeling deprived. The locale (at home, the office, at school, etc) of where the stealing takes place is indicative of your neediness. Alternatively, stealing signifies unrealized and unfulfilled goals. You may have set your goals too high.

Shelf - To see a shelf in your dream, suggests that there is something that you need to put aside right now. You need to put your ideas or plans on hold.

Crying - To see someone else crying in your dream, may be a projection of your own feelings onto someone else. If you do not cry in your waking life, then seeing someone else cry may be a little easier to deal with then seeing yourself cry.

Police - To dream that you are arrested by the police, suggests that you feel sexually or emotionally restrained because of guilt. The dream may also be a metaphor that you are feeling apprehensive about something.

Money - To give or spend money in your dream, is analogous to giving love.  You are looking for love. To see others giving money away, suggests that you are feeling ignored, overlooked or neglected. Someone is not paying enough attention and showing enough affection toward you. If you are hogging or hoarding money, then it denotes insecurity or selfishness.

House - To see a new house in your dream, indicates that you are entering into a new phase or new area in your life. You are becoming more emotionally mature. If you are locked out of the house, then it represents rejection and insecurity. You feel you are being left behind.

So, according to the Dream Dictionary I am feeling deprived; with unfulfilled goals. I need to put plans on hold. I should feel like crying. I am emotionally restrained; or apprehensive about something. I am feeling ignored. But I am entering a new phase and becoming emotionally mature.

It is Monday mornings like this I just wish I had stayed asleep. But it is a good place to see what the hell I am subconsciously thinking while I sleep. And it is also good to know I am not just wasting time while I sleep in my cardboard box; but am sorting my life out.

Thriller 2010

Back in 1982 Michael Jackson made Thriller, the title of the biggest selling album in the world, but would it have been such a success if it was made today - with things being a whole lot different?

Let us start with the movie they are watching at the cinema. In the movie Michael uses the cheesiest of all cheesy lines and says: "Honestly, we're out of gas." May have worked in a B-movie in 1982 but never going to work in a movie not even a B-movie in 2010. Then, also in the movie, Michael gives his date a ring in the park. Definitely never going to happen in 2010. He pulls out a ring, and some crack whore robs it to sell for a quick fix. Then finally in the movie Michael Jackson says "I'm not like other guys." No fucking shit Sherlock. Your best friend is a chimp for starters, and in a few years you will be setting up a theme park in your backyard. And the date is going to have two possible responses:

• Response #1: "Yeah I know. I've read the newspapers. I'm not the fucking Al-Qaeda. I haven't been living in a cave."
• Response #2: "Don't fucking try anything funny. I'm carrying Mace."

And when Michael turns into a werewolf, in the movie, his date isn't going to scream. Things have changed. She'll be standing there saying: "Ooh this reminds me of Twilight. Do you know any vampires? Are you Native American? Do you have a wolf pack? Do you get a monthly federal check? Ooh there is so many questions I want to ask."

Leaving the movie we have the first thing that would never survive in 2010 - Michael sitting eating popcorn. Yeah back in 1982 popcorn may have only been $1 at the cinema but that was then. 2010 that bucket of popcorn is going to set you back $6 at least. Chances are he'd do what everyone else does and smuggle some food he got from Wal*Mart into the cinema.

And while we are in "saving money mode" would he even be at the cinema? Highly unlikely. It is 2010 - illegal movie downloads are at an all-time high. No point paying to see it when you can download it for free. Watch it. And then sell copies to friends and family.

And even if he'd splashed the cash out to actually see the movie at the cinema - he wouldn't be watching the movie too much. He'd be doing what everyone does; tweeting. "Watching a movie at the cinema. $11 to get in. WTF is up with that?" And thanks to that tweet, someone would know he is not at home, and would be robbing his house blind. Welcome to 2010.

Leaving the cinema his date wouldn't be quiet. She would be complaining that the movie wasn't in 3D, the sound wasn't THX, the storyline sucked, and Michael spent too much of the movie tweeting and texting. Also as it is close to midnight they wouldn't be the only two people on the street at night. There would be a prostitute arguing with her pimp, a crack addict in the cinema doorway, and a homeless person pushing a cart and collecting cans.

Then Vincent Price starts rambling. Sorry, not going to happen in 2010. His voice would be too reminiscent of the old guy from Family Guy - Herbert. It'd be more like Anthony Hopkins in the character of Hannibal Lecter from Silence Of The Lambs.

And finally, when the zombies start appearing his date wouldn't just run. She's seen movies and played games. She'd pull a revolver out of the back of her jeans. Kill five zombies. Then using the last bullet she would take out the window of the hardware store; grab the chainsaw and go on a zombie killing spree racking up points and bonuses along the way.


Peace.

Cuss Count: Minimum

Legal Notice: None. Don't need one in any sense for a change.