Recently, with all the talk about 2012, an idea came to mind about a game show based on the end of the world. It was also put forth that Drew Carey host the show.
Well, neither idea went further than my own my mind. But if it had the script may have looked something like this:
Drew: Hi, and welcome to Armageddon. Where the only prize is staying alive. Tonight we have three contestants hoping to do just that. Danielle why don't you introduce tonight's contestants.
Danielle: OK Drew. Tonight's first contestant is Mya. She is from El Salvador. She is 36 and dabbles in numerology. Our second contestant is Witney, she is from Bethel in New York, she is 28 and she likes to walk in her spare time. And our final contestant tonight is Christopher. He is 31, lives in Jerusalem, and is a minister for the church.
Drew: Thanks Danielle. And welcome contestants to the show. Just in case you haven't seen it before, although I know you have, let me run down on the rules. All the questions tonight will be about Armageddon, the apocalypse, end times, call it what you will. The winner will get a chance at the final to go for eternal happiness; while the two losers will be thrown in the pit of eternal damnation. Don't worry folks its just a mix of jello and sulphur. So without further ado on to the first question.
Christopher: Excuse me. But you cannot decide who gets eternal damnation.
Drew: Don't worry about the details at this point Christopher it is after all only a game. So, get your fingers on the buzzers as we press on with question one. OK. How many times have the Jehovah Witnesses predicted that Armageddon was knocking on your door?
--BUZZ--
Christopher: Too many. No man knows the day or the hour.
Drew: I'm liking your style Christopher but that is the wrong answer. Mya or Witney care to take a stab at the answer?
--BUZZ--
Witney: Seven.
Drew: Nope I'm sorry. Wrong answer. Mya would you like to take a guess?
Mya: Four.
Drew: Not even close. The correct answer is eight. 1875, 1914, 1915, 1918, 1920, 1925, 1941, and 1975. And we are still waiting. So no score on that one. Second question. When will the world end?
--BUZZ--
Mya: December 21, 2012 at approximately 12.21 PM.
Drew: Sorry Mya not the answer I have on the card. Witney, Christopher, take a guess.
--BUZZ--
Christopher: No man knows the day or the hour.
Drew: Look the answer wasn't right the first time so what the hell made you think it would be right this time?
Christopher: That is what my Dad told me.
Drew: Well your Dad is wrong too. Witney take a guess.
Witney: I agree with Christopher.
Drew: If it wasn't right for him. What makes you think it would be right for you? Did you even listen to the question?
Witney: Yes, but the New World Translation Bible says that no man know the day or the hour.
Drew: Well we are not using some Bible translated by five guys not qualified to translate. And for your information the whole "No man knoweth the day and the hour" speech is about the second coming of Christ not Armageddon. So lets just drop it OK. Armageddon will happen whenever the Fox Network manages to squeeze in to their schedule. That is the answer I have on my card. That is what the Fox Network will accept as the only answer. And for a bonus point who on the Fox Network will announce Armageddon?
--BUZZ--
Christopher: Bill O' Reilly because he is in league with the devil himself.
Drew: Thank fucking God for that. We finally have a correct answer. With that we'll go to a break. You have two minutes but don't go changing channels.
[The usual junk is advertised at this point. Some law firm hoping you'll sue the shit out of someone so they can take their 33% percent of the settlement. Medical insurance; which if you get out of your seat and read the microscopic small print is only valid while you are well enough to not need it. And a whole bunch of sex related items including dildos, vibrators, condoms, Viagra, and some lubrication.]
Drew: Welcome back. Christopher is in the lead but at this stage of the quiz it is anyone's. Why do Jehovah Witnesses knock on your door at the most inappropriate time?
--BUZZ--
Witney: To spread the message of Jehovah and warn people of the impending Armageddon that is to happen very soon.
Drew: I'm sorry. That wasn't really a question. I was just thinking aloud. But I meant their timing. Usually when I'm busy. Anyway. Question three. When was Jesus born?
--BUZZ--
Christopher: December 25, 1AD.
Drew: Still buying that story? I'm sorry it is the wrong answer.
--BUZZ--
Mya: According to the long calender Jesus was born on September 6, 3AD.
Drew: Wrong. Go on Witney take a stab.
Witney: Jesus was not born.
Drew: What the fuck?
Witney: Well he wouldn't celebrate his birthday so it doesn't matter when he was born.
Drew: Oh aren't you just the barrel of fun. I'm sure you are the life of the party. The correct answer, according to James Ussher, and he should know, is 4 AD. He never picked an exact date so you could have picked any.
Christoper: But if AD stands for Anno Domini, and means in the year of our Lord, how could Jesus be born 4 years in the year of himself?
Drew: Hey. Hey. Hey. I'm the one getting the big fat paycheck to ask the questions not you. And for your information I don't write the answers so don't ask me anything. Got it. Your losing your point for that. Moving on to question four. What is the Pope's full name?
--BUZZ--
Christopher: Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the State of the Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God.
Drew: What was all that?
Christopher: The official titles that the Pope goes by.
Drew: Well, mister know-it-all I didn't ask for his title I asked for his name. So you are wrong. Mya, Witney, care to take a guess?
--BUZZ--
Mya: Dave?
Drew: Nope. Not even close. Witney take a guess.
Witney: Whats a Pope?
Drew: No more fucking questions from you three. I ask the questions. The correct answer is Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger; which is worth a lot of points in a game of Scrabble. For a bonus point; where was he born?
--BUZZ--
Christopher: The Vatican.
Drew: Dumbass. Anyone?
--BUZZ--
Mya: Germany.
Drew: Thank you. There is a God. You got it right. You are now in the lead as we go to the final question. What was created first?
--BUZZ--
Witney: Light.
Drew: Wrong.
--BUZZ--
Christopher: Darkness.
Drew: It was already dark. Nobody had to create it. You can't create something that is already there.
--BUZZ--
Drew: Mya you are the only one who can answer. You don't have to buzz.
Mya: Night.
Drew: No. Pay attention. If darkness was not right then obviously night which is dark is not going to be right either. The correct answer is God. Someone had to create God so he could create everything else. Don't ask me who created him because I don't know. I'm just a game show host. We are going to take another short break while I beat some sense into these three worthless contestants.
[Even the commercial breaks are repeated. And it is once again the same shit as before. If you really care scroll back up and read it again. If not just carry on.]
Drew: Welcome back. As I look at the scores, not that I need to, Mya is today's winner with one point; and goes on to play Final Judgement. Witney and Christopher must take the plunge into eternal damnation.
[Witney walks forward makes a little prayer to Jehovah and jumps into the pit of damnation. The audience cheer like crazy. Christopher is hesitant but Danielle comes out with a ten foot barge pole and pushes him into the pit of damnation. Once again the audience cheer.]
Drew: OK Mya. It is on to Final Judgement. Danielle tell Mya what she could win.
Danielle: Final Judgement. Where the only prize is redemption. Choose one question from a possible, which we like to call the "Trivial Trinity", answer that question correctly and you win. Get the question wrong and you join the other contestants in the pit of damnation.
Drew: OK Mya pick a question from the Trivial Trinity.
Mya: One.
Drew: OK, tonight you are going with one. Let me open the envelope. The topic for your question is Superheroes. Are you feeling confident Mya?
Mya: Not really.
Drew: Good. Lets get this over with. In a 3-way fight between Batman, Superman, and Spiderman who would win?
Mya: Um. Um.
Drew: I'm going to have to hurry you.
Mya: Spiderman.
Drew: So close yet so far. The correct answer is Superman. Superman would team up with Batman, as they have done many times before, and once Spiderman is defeated Superman would take out Batman. Seriously would you bet against a man that can mess with time? Well I'm sorry Mya off to the pit you go.
[Mya heads over to the pit and takes a leap in; unfortunately landing on Witney.]
Drew: Well that is it for tonight folks. Nobody is saved. Join me tomorrow when three more contestants try for Redemption. And remember 666 is just a number unless it is the zeroes on my paycheck. Goodnight folks.
