Interviewing The President

This is a guest post by Homeless Dave.

Recently I got the chance, and permission, to sit with President Obama and discuss things that really matter to me.

The following is a transcript of that discussion; which took place at the White House.

Dave: Let me start by saying thanks for doing this.
Obama: No problem.
Dave: Nice house you have got here.
Obama: Well, thank you.
Dave: You got room for one more?
Obama: Not really. Various people work here and all that. It is not just mine.
Dave: No spare closet then I take it?
Obama: Sorry. No.
Dave: OK. Well that makes things a tad awkward but I'm not here just to scam a free room. Lets get down to the nuts and bolts. Was you born in Kenya?
Obama: This again? You seriously want to start with the birth certificate issue?
Dave: If you don't mind Mr. President I'll ask the questions. I was in McDonalds the other day, not for the food just the free wifi, and I watched this video with Alex Jones who had your birth certificate and he showed it was made up of layers all pasted together. He said you have to be hiding something.
Obama: It was a fake.
Dave: Yeah. That is what he said. He also said you shouldn't be president.
Obama: No you idiot ...
Dave: There will be no name calling here. If you want to go that route it can get very ugly very quickly.
Obama: Sorry. What I meant was that the layered birth certificate was not mine. It was fabricated.
Dave: So whose birth certificate was it?
Obama: I really don't know.
Dave: You make a habit of getting unknown birth certificates and make them yours?
Obama: Look. The birth certificate that Alex Jones pulled apart was a JPG file. It just doesn't hold layer information like that.
Dave: Maybe in Adobe it does. I don't know I use Microsoft Paint for all my editing.
Obama: You need to look at JPG file containers. They are a flat, single layer, image. If you had, say, an original PSD file then you could pull the layers apart. But JPG just doesn't hold that sort of information.
Dave: Is that why you put a JPG file up; so that nobody could prove it was fake?
Obama: It is not fake. I was born in Hawaii.
Dave: Not according to Alex Jones.
Obama: Well he is wrong.
Dave: If you say so. So are you a member of the Illuminati then?
Obama: What? No. Of course not.
Dave: That is what I figured you would say. Keep it all 'hush hush' and all that. But just between the two of us are you secretly planning to destroy the United States?
Obama: I'm trying to build it up. After eight long years of Bush it is not an easy task. It takes time.
Dave: You think a second term will help?
Obama: Of course. I can, and will, turn this country around.
Dave: While secretly you destroy it by selling out to the Chinese.
Obama: Why would I want to destroy it?
Dave: For the New World Order. So you and your cronies can depopulate the Earth. and run it. I've seen the Georgia stones my friend.
Obama: So as President of the United States, you are saying, my goal is to destroy the United States and let China take over?
Dave: More or less. Yes. That is the word on the Internet. That and merging Canada, the United States, and Mexico to make one big country.
Obama: What? Canada? Mexico?
Dave: Yep. It was on the Internet.
Obama: This is pure stupidity.
Dave: OK Mr Smartypants. If it is stupidity why build another bridge, right next to the existing one, between Canada and Detroit?
Obama: To ease congestion on the existing one. I don't know. But I am sure that there is a valid, legitimate, reason.
Dave: Firstly, there is no congestion. The existing bridge is nowhere close to operating at full capacity. Secondly, Detroit doesn't need another bridge. Instead of importing crap from Canada we should start the factories working again. Rebuild the Motor City.
Obama: Not everything from Canada is crap.
Dave: I got two words for you - Justin Bieber.
Obama: You may have a point there.
Dave: It is all part of the bigger picture.
Obama: What is?
Dave: Let me suggest a scenario. Let me say I believe you are not part of some world plan. I don't but for arguments sake let us say I do.
Obama: OK.
Dave: As President of the United States if you are not part of it how can you fail to see what is happening?
Obama: A bridge does not make a conspiracy.
Dave: Wake up Barack. Smell the coffee. Look at the Patriot Act. Why add funds to protecting the Canadian border while taking funds from the Mexican border. I don't see too many Canadians jumping the border.
Obama: The Patriot Act was George Bush.
Dave: Barack don't do it to yourself. Don't keep saying it was Bush. What happened to 'Hope' and 'Change'?
Obama: I can't do it anymore. Everyone hates me. The only reason I'm alive is because of the Secret Service.
Dave: I wouldn't trust them. I heard on the Internet they got plans. You get out of hand they'll take you out like they did JFK.
Obama: What? Where did you hear this?
Dave: On the Internet.
Obama: Is there any more details?
Dave: It said they would blame it on militant Muslims or a racist group like the Aryan Nation. Word is they already got a patsy or two lined up.
Obama: Surely this is just fear mongering. The secret service are here to protect me not kill me.
Dave: That is what JFK thought. But on to more important matters.
Obama: What? What could be more important than my life?
Dave: What do you think about Britney on the X Factor?
Obama: That is more important?
Dave: Is to Britney.
Obama: I'm sure she will do very well.
Dave: Really? You honestly think that?
Obama: (laughing) Hell no. She is going to meltdown like a Japanese nuclear reactor.
Dave: Hey. Hey. That is not funny. People died you jerk.
Obama: (still laughing) I know. All part of the plan.
Dave: What the fuck? What?
Obama: (not laughing) Forget I said anything.
Dave: You said it was part of a plan.
Obama: Actually I said part of the plan; not a plan. But you'll forget I said that.
Dave: How can I forget that?
Obama: You either forget it or I scream once and four armed guards make you look like Swiss cheese.
Dave: Well you leave me no choice. I'll forget it. Hey, as I'm forgetting all this any word on Kenya and that?
Obama: All true.
Dave: Which bits?
Obama: All of it. When the New World Order is in place I, and my associates, will rule the world.
Dave: You are mad you are.
Obama: OK. This interview is over, Get out and remember.
Dave: Remember what?
Obama: Remember nothing. You tell anyone anything you are dead.

So that is how the interview went down. I risk my life telling you all of this. But for the sake of journalism, and humanity, I do so.

If I ever strangely just disappear you'll know they got me. But if you have read this far they may be after you too. Be vigilant - Be safe - Be aware.

MJDHI Scam

This whole post goes with the the theory that on June 25, 2009, Michael Jackson did not die but faked his death for some reason. Whether you believe that or not really is not important. What is important is that the majority of the MJDHI forum do believe that. Bear that in mind while reading this post.

For those who want to translate the text in the image it is quoted below (under the terms of the 'Fair Use' doctorine):

"Welcome to Michael Jackson Death Hoax Investigators!

This is a Michael Jackson death hoax investigation website.

That is its purpose. Although Michael Jackson is loved here, and we feel aggrieved at the way much of his life has been scrutinized by those other than the people here, this was never set up as a fan based site, but one in which people are invited to forensically examine the obviously strange and discordant events of June 25th and beyond.

We are not here to find him.

We are here to speak up for someone who can't speak up for himself.

We are here to report all the shit that the mainstream media has ignored or mis reported.

We are here to support someone who needs support.

We are here to give members a platform to discuss this matter.

We are here for him and we will defend him to the bone.

We really hope you enjoy this web site, if you have any questions, please contact us.

With love,

Michael Jackson Death Hoax Investigators"

Doesn't look too crazy until you read it again. Then one sentence stands out.

"We are here to speak up for someone who can't speak up for himself."

Now remember this a forum where the majority thinks that Michael Jackson is alive. So, if he is alive why can't he speak for himself?

Let us not forget that a lot of the forum members think that Michael Jackson, himself, reads the forum. Strange that he couldn't give a flying fuck and actually comment.

Then we have the string of informers that alledgly are connected to Michael Jackson. You have TS, Front, Back, Ping, and Pong. Well maybe not the last two but give it time and they will be there I'm sure. So, why can't these informers, with all their inside information and knowledge, speak on his behalf?

They were both rhetorical questions. But the answers are: Michael Jackson doesn't read the forum which is why he has never commented. TS, Front, Back, Ping, and Pong know nothing and can't speak on behalf of sanity never mind Michael Jackson.

But the real question is this - If MJDHI doesn't think Michael Jackson is alive what is the purpose of the forum?

And while we are looking at the welcoming screen. Lets look at another sentence:

"We are here to report all the shit that the mainstream media has ignored or mis reported."

So, for the new MJDHI members that haven't actually investigated anything. Look in the archives. Souza and Mo (who was wise enough to get the hell out) worked with The Sun newspaper. Yes the same newspaper that actually came up with the phrase "Wacko Jacko".

And the final line:

"We are here for him and we will defend him to the bone."

Just ask anyone who is not brainwashed by the bullshit. Actually just look at the forum. The forum is not there for any other reason than to stroke the ego of Souza. If it was really all about Michael Jackson I'm guessing the Illuminati killing him would have caused the end of the forum.

Go look at the forum, if you want, read it, and decide for yourselves. Don't take my word for it, or the word of anyone else for that matter, investigate and discover the truth for yourself.

Michael Jackson Stamps

Last night on Twitter @DLRodarte tweeted "How come there has not been a postage stamp with MJ on it? #LOVE and #PEACE"

I knew there had been a stamp, well a collection, but just could not for the life of me remember which country had issued them. Google provided the answer. The country that issued a set of eight Michael Jackson stamps was St Vincent (a Carribean island with a population of approximately 120,000). The stamps issued in 1985 look like:

Thats about as far as the conversation went on Twitter. But I was thinking about it today; and wondering why the United States Postal Service and the Michael Jackson Estate have not thought to do a set of stamps.

According to CNN approximately 51% of all Americans are Michael Jackson fans. Approximately 151,000,000 people. If half of them collected a set of 6 stamps featuring Michael Jackson that would be $203,850,000 in sales for the United States Postal Service (6 stamps at 45c x 75,500,000); and that doesn't even include the stamp collectors that are not Michael Jackson fans.

As for the Michael Jackson Estate they could use the set of stamps as an advertisement opportunity; possibly featuring the Bad album which is in its 25 year anniversary. This would generate sales of the 25th Anniversary Bad album.

The stamps could look like this:

With the set looking like:

And surely it cannot be forgotten that Michael Jackson was a citizen of the United States; surely it wouldn't kill the United States Postal Service to work with the Michael Jackson Estate to commerate an artist who is a worldwide icon.

Interviewing Homeless Dave

To many he is simply Homeless Dave. But Dave Jackson is a man on a mission. Since his return, from when he was in a coma for almost a year, he has set goals - and plans to conquer those goals one at a time. I caught up with Homeless Dave and found out about his goals.

Doggie: Almost a year and then you come back with a whole new attitude. What happened?
Dave: I was in a coma for almost a year. It makes you see the bigger picture. You take a look around and see what you would have missed had you died; and you think: Damn, why was I wasting time?
Doggie: A whole new outlook on life then?
Dave: Not really. I just see things differently. You know when Neo realizes he is the one, in The Matrix, that is kind of how I feel.
Doggie: So you think you have been chosen?
Dave: No. Just I see things differently.
Doggie: Such as?
Dave: The whole Michael Jackson death hoax possibility.
Doggie: So your opinion has changed over the last year?
Dave: Let me get one thing straight. Just because my name is Dave Jackson does not mean I'm related in any way. Look at me I'm white.
Doggie: Dave, I don't think anyone has suggested you are related.
Dave: Maybe not but I wanted to clear the matter up.
Doggie: OK. So your opinion on the hoax?
Dave: I'm not saying there is a hoax. I'm not saying Michael Jackson faked his death. And in the grand scheme of things it makes no difference to me. I mean if Michael Jackson faked his death, and he makes a comeback, he isn't going to come find me, shake my hand, and say 'Thanks for beLIEving in me Dave.' It makes no difference to him, either, if I believe or not.
Doggie: Well do you believe?
Dave: No. No I don't. I have had it with the whole hoax. I don't care anymore. It is full of egotists, the blind, and retarded people that should stop wasting oxygen.
Doggie: Whoa there Dave. You may have to expand a bit on that.
Dave: The egotists - people like Souza; running MJDHI. It could have been a great forum. It could have been the hub of the whole hoax investigation. But it is nothing more than a joke. People thinking Michael Jackson is reading their mindless crap about numerology and religion. They need to get over themselves. Michael Jackson, if he was alive, would not waste his precious time reading the fact that some Seventh Day Adventist has added every number to equal 7. And all this religion thrown into the mix. It is just a waste of time for people to read. Michael himself never chose a religion as such and looked at all religions. If he wasted his last few days, before faking his death, to make sure all the numbers matched he might as well not ever make a comeback because he has obviously lost the plot.
Doggie: The blind?
Dave: All these idiots that follow every single breadcrumb they are fed. It doesn't matter how stupid it is they follow like it is really something. The numerology falls into this category too but it is much more than that. All these people that must be on some sort of drug are leading people up the garden path. I'm no doctor but without a medical license I'd say they are on drugs. You have Pearl Jr think that anyone who joined Twitter, and is called Peter, is Michael Jackson. If you ask me ...
Doggie: That is why it is called an interview.
Dave: Anyway, if you ask me Pearl Jr is in all this for the money. I mean the woman wrote an introduction to a book which says 'goodbye' to Michael Jackson. What the Hell is all that about if she isn't in it for the money? But people are following all her 'nudge nudge wink wink' clues like they actually mean something. Every bloody tweet that woman does ends with a commercial to one of her products. She is worse than the promotional tweets Twitter puts out. At least they actually tell you they are advertising tweets.
Doggie: You still see all them?
Dave: Yeah. The client I use doesn't block them. Plus I think I followed half of them by mistake.
Doggie: I see. Back to the breadcrumbs.
Dave: Do these half-wits really think that Michael Jackson left all these clues so that he could be found? I mean seriously who would do such a thing? It is not like he is on some giant 'hide and seek' game sitting in some hotel room waiting to be found by some crack fiend. It just does not make sense. They need to stop and take a look from the outside to see how other people see them. Michael Jackson didn't plan all this so that every date to do with his entire life, up to the time he supposedly faked his death, added up to the number seven. Anyone that believes that really needs to unplug their computer, put it back in the box, and save themselves from how stupid they look.
Doggie: Dave, that is a bit harsh.
Dave: It may be harsh but it is true. If you think that you have spoke to Michael Jackson, since June 2009, on some social networking site, or on a forum, you really need to evaluate your grip on reality. Because that is why he faked his death - so he could sit in obscurity and read, and talk, about it on the Internet. Do these people realize how stupid they look to the outside world?
Doggie: Possibly not. And the wasting oxygen?
Dave: The whole hoax. Like I said it makes no difference to Michael Jackson. He doesn't give a damn. Chances are that by now people should start realizing this is no hoax and the guy is dead. Leave the guy alone. He isn't putting clues for you to find him. And all you supposed fans that tweet to his kids saying he is alive; you really think that is helping them? You really think Michael Jackson wants you to be making his kids relive the fact their father is gone; day after day?
Doggie: Well I suppose not.
Dave: Of course not. These people are sick. Throwing it in his kids faces on a daily basis. Assholes the lot of them.
Doggie: So moving away from the hoax somewhat ...
Dave: Good. Because that is one situation where the lunatics have taken over the asylum.
Doggie: What do you reckon to Britney Spears being a judge on X Factor?
Dave: I think that is a bad move. She is famous for lip-syncing her whole career. Nothing but a female version of Justin Bieber.
Doggie: Speaking of Bieber. What do you think of him copying Michael Jackson so much?
Dave: Little Canadian prick should do his own thing. I know he is Usher's little bitch and everything but he needs a trademark of his own. He doesn't want to be remembered as the talentless wonder that just stole everything.
Doggie: Dave; do you have anything nice to say about anyone?
Dave: Willie Nelson and Skrillex. Willie Nelson for those relaxing moments when you smoke. And a little bit of Skrillex to get the blood pumping before you go shoplifting.
Doggie: You know you shouldn't be an ambassador for shoplifting.
Dave: I advertise for these places when I shoplift there. It is not even really shoplifting. It is like an official payment for my advertising services.
Doggie: You can word it however you want. It is still shoplifting.
Dave: You say tomatoes I say tomatoes. You say shoplifting I say advertising.
Doggie: The tomatoes joke won't work in print.
Dave: Nor will any of the other jokes. So don't start worrying about it now.
Doggie: Any words you'd like to say to those that listen to your aimless rambling?
Dave: Do whatever you want. You wake up one morning and you want to paint yourself green and run around Walmart shouting 'I'm a Gummi Bear' I say just do it.
Doggie: That is it?
Dave: You expecting some psychological diarrhea? I'm homeless, I shoplift, and I'm as real as Sasquatch. I'm Homeless Dave not Plato.
Doggie: True. Well thanks for nothing.
Dave: You are welcome.

In A Coma

For those of you that are too lazy to follow me on Twitter you may not know that it was reported that I was allegedly dead. This is not true. I never died. I have since found out this was a rumor started by Karl who was hoping to get my spot in the alley where I live. The truth is that I was in a coma. I don't know all the details because I was in coma but I can tell you what I experienced while I was in the coma.

Some of you may not want to hear what I experienced, just simply because it goes against what you think you know, but I experienced it; I went through it. If you don't want to read then don't.

When I was in a coma I experienced some really strange stuff. I felt I was dead. As my body laid there I was somehow looking down on it as I rose up in the sky. It was odd because I was shouting at people below to grab me but nobody even noticed me. As I passed through the clouds I really thought I was dead; which was quite a strange feeling. On one hand I was pissed that I was dead but on the other hand I was happy that I was heading upwards and not downwards.

After passing through the clouds I came to this city. It looked like Detroit but there was no garbage on the streets. I stood there for a few minutes, just looking at how clean and bright everything was, when some guy touched my shoulder.

I wasn't sure where I was, or whether I was alive or dead, so my first instinct was to turn around and shout "Get the fuck off me. I have no money for you." He smiled, and said, "Brother I'm just here to help you." He looked like he had a honest face so I asked him where I was.

His answer scared the shit out of me. He said I was in Heaven. I asked him if I was dead and he said that I wasn't dead I was merely resting and experiencing some kind of euphoric nirvana. I told him that I had nothing to do with Kurt Cobain; and not to judge me. He said that I wouldn't be judged for a day or two. I asked him if I was in Purgatory. He laughed and said that was just a Catholic scam; and didn't really exist.

As we walked to what he called the 'Induction Hall' we chatted. And I asked him the obvious question - So is Michael Jackson in Heaven? He looked at me, smiled, and said "Yes. It was pretty much the only way to escape the cruel world below." I mentioned that Walmart had fired me for no reason whatsoever, so I knew how cruel the world was, but he didn't seem to care.

I'm not sure how to describe the Induction Hall. Think of the DMV but with friendly people who have souls.

(At this point I'd like to mention to any DMV personnel that if I come into the DMV office not to hold that example against me.)

I took a number from the machine and joked about feeling like I was at the Deli and would order a pound of bologna when I got to the front. I looked down and the ticket was D666. I thought that was not a good thing, so I dropped the ticket and picked another, again it was D666. I must have pulled about 100 tickets and they all said D666. Then the guy said: "Pull as many tickets as you want they will all say the same. It is a ticket for you. No matter what ticket you pull it will be yours."

Now I was panicking. I'd somehow just arrived in Heaven and the first souvenir is a ticket saying D666. I might as well not wait for the judging and just jump down to Hell.

One good thing about Heaven - no waiting. As soon as I approached they called out "D666". I did hesitate at first hoping some other sucker got the same number; but I was that sucker.

I approached the desk, and this nice young lady asked me to be seated, she confirmed my name was David Jackson, and then proceeded to go through a few details. Well, to cut the boredom out of Heaven suffice to say I was assigned a hotel room until my judgement and given a complimentary bag of goodies. The bag contained a map, some phone numbers, and a few toiletries. As I was leaving the desk I apologized for the D666 ticket. The young lady smiled at me and said: "Let us hope its not a sign." It was at that point I remembered that Michael Jackson was here. I asked her which room he was in. She said that he had already been judged, and that if you stay in Heaven after your judgement you move to Paradise City. I asked if she used to be a Guns N Roses fan. No response. I asked if I could get Michael Jackson's phone number. She said no; but she could inform him that I wished to speak to him. Something to do with 'judgement waiters' could not contact those that had already been judged; but it worked the other way around.  I joked it was like trying to talk to the IRS; she didn't get that joke either.

The hotel room I got was pretty nice. Basic but nice. One tip for anyone that ends up in the 'Judgement Hotel' don't waste your time trying to select the 'adult' channels on the TV; they are blocked and a notice comes on the screen saying: "Those types of channel are blocked. If you wish to watch that sort of thing go to Hell."

I awoke the next morning feeling really refreshed. I have to admit that I almost forgot I dead; well half-dead. Now when I say half-dead I wasn't a zombie. I don't truly know how it all worked but I was in Heaven and not dead.

I was watching the weather as I ate breakfast; pondering how they knew that Fruit Loops were my favorite. Then the phone rang. It was the guy I had met the day before. He told me that there had been a cancellation and I was going to be judged today. He said he would pick me up from the hotel.

This was not good. I got dressed. I was trying to decide whether shoplifting was a crime or a sin. I didn't want to go to Hell just for surviving. OK there were a few items I took that I could have survived without; but overall it was purely survival.

I thought of all the good I had done on Earth. That lasted about two seconds.

I went down to the lobby and waited. Once again the wait was short. My friend said we would walk to the Judgement Hall. I hate walking but luckily it was only a short walk. I asked him if Jesus was going to be the one that judged me. He said Jesus doesn't judge. I said I hope it is not Judge Judy. Nothing. Seriously, Heaven needs a sense of humor.

Once in the Judgement Hall I was told to go in a room. I went in. Sitting at the front was God. I think it was God. He said he was God; but I have never seen God so I had to take his word for it.

He said that I was lucky that my judgement had been moved forward. I jokingly said that it depends where I end up. Once again nothing.

He checked that I was David Jackson and asked why I preferred to be called Dave. I told him most of the people I know have problems remembering long names. He shook his head. He then started on about whether I would like to call any witnesses. I said I'd like to call Michael Jackson seems I may never get the chance to see him otherwise. God asked me which Michael Jackson. Oh shit I never thought that Heaven would have more Michael Jacksons than Twitter. I told him the Michael Jackson known as the King of Pop. He said they had no record. I told him that I had already asked 2 people and they had confirmed that Michael Jackson was there. He asked me who I asked, I told him, and in a flash of light they were both there. God asked them if I had mentioned Michael Jackson to them. Both said I had but that I had not really been clear about which one.

God looked at me sternly and said that since the beginning of time there had been close to 4 million Michael Jacksons; and of those there were 989,734 in Paradise City. I thought about the Guns N Roses joke but decided not to mention it.

So, Michael Jackson, well the one I wanted to talk to, was not dead. This was proof that Michael Jackson was alive. This was more proof than some stupid number theory. This was more proof than Harvey Levin saying something. God himself had just told me that Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, was alive.

I interrupted God, and said that as I wasn't dead I didn't think I'd be judged. He got really angry at that. He threw his gavel at the court clerk, and was muttering under his beard. He then looked at me and said: "I'm sorry Mr David Jackson there seems to have been an error. You are right in the fact that I cannot judge you until you die. So see this as a chance to go back to Earth and spread the word."

I thanked him and told him not to worry; that I would tell everyone that God said Michael Jackson is alive. He was saying something as I left; but I didn't hear him.

I awoke from the coma. And although it had all happened in a couple of days I had actually been in Heaven almost a year. It was an odd feeling.

Well, that is my experience of Heaven. A place with no sense of humor. I don't care if anyone believes me or not I lived it (not sure lived it is the right expression for dying). And as God, and Bon Jovi say: Keep the faith!