Interviewing The President

This is a guest post by Homeless Dave.

Recently I got the chance, and permission, to sit with President Obama and discuss things that really matter to me.

The following is a transcript of that discussion; which took place at the White House.

Dave: Let me start by saying thanks for doing this.
Obama: No problem.
Dave: Nice house you have got here.
Obama: Well, thank you.
Dave: You got room for one more?
Obama: Not really. Various people work here and all that. It is not just mine.
Dave: No spare closet then I take it?
Obama: Sorry. No.
Dave: OK. Well that makes things a tad awkward but I'm not here just to scam a free room. Lets get down to the nuts and bolts. Was you born in Kenya?
Obama: This again? You seriously want to start with the birth certificate issue?
Dave: If you don't mind Mr. President I'll ask the questions. I was in McDonalds the other day, not for the food just the free wifi, and I watched this video with Alex Jones who had your birth certificate and he showed it was made up of layers all pasted together. He said you have to be hiding something.
Obama: It was a fake.
Dave: Yeah. That is what he said. He also said you shouldn't be president.
Obama: No you idiot ...
Dave: There will be no name calling here. If you want to go that route it can get very ugly very quickly.
Obama: Sorry. What I meant was that the layered birth certificate was not mine. It was fabricated.
Dave: So whose birth certificate was it?
Obama: I really don't know.
Dave: You make a habit of getting unknown birth certificates and make them yours?
Obama: Look. The birth certificate that Alex Jones pulled apart was a JPG file. It just doesn't hold layer information like that.
Dave: Maybe in Adobe it does. I don't know I use Microsoft Paint for all my editing.
Obama: You need to look at JPG file containers. They are a flat, single layer, image. If you had, say, an original PSD file then you could pull the layers apart. But JPG just doesn't hold that sort of information.
Dave: Is that why you put a JPG file up; so that nobody could prove it was fake?
Obama: It is not fake. I was born in Hawaii.
Dave: Not according to Alex Jones.
Obama: Well he is wrong.
Dave: If you say so. So are you a member of the Illuminati then?
Obama: What? No. Of course not.
Dave: That is what I figured you would say. Keep it all 'hush hush' and all that. But just between the two of us are you secretly planning to destroy the United States?
Obama: I'm trying to build it up. After eight long years of Bush it is not an easy task. It takes time.
Dave: You think a second term will help?
Obama: Of course. I can, and will, turn this country around.
Dave: While secretly you destroy it by selling out to the Chinese.
Obama: Why would I want to destroy it?
Dave: For the New World Order. So you and your cronies can depopulate the Earth. and run it. I've seen the Georgia stones my friend.
Obama: So as President of the United States, you are saying, my goal is to destroy the United States and let China take over?
Dave: More or less. Yes. That is the word on the Internet. That and merging Canada, the United States, and Mexico to make one big country.
Obama: What? Canada? Mexico?
Dave: Yep. It was on the Internet.
Obama: This is pure stupidity.
Dave: OK Mr Smartypants. If it is stupidity why build another bridge, right next to the existing one, between Canada and Detroit?
Obama: To ease congestion on the existing one. I don't know. But I am sure that there is a valid, legitimate, reason.
Dave: Firstly, there is no congestion. The existing bridge is nowhere close to operating at full capacity. Secondly, Detroit doesn't need another bridge. Instead of importing crap from Canada we should start the factories working again. Rebuild the Motor City.
Obama: Not everything from Canada is crap.
Dave: I got two words for you - Justin Bieber.
Obama: You may have a point there.
Dave: It is all part of the bigger picture.
Obama: What is?
Dave: Let me suggest a scenario. Let me say I believe you are not part of some world plan. I don't but for arguments sake let us say I do.
Obama: OK.
Dave: As President of the United States if you are not part of it how can you fail to see what is happening?
Obama: A bridge does not make a conspiracy.
Dave: Wake up Barack. Smell the coffee. Look at the Patriot Act. Why add funds to protecting the Canadian border while taking funds from the Mexican border. I don't see too many Canadians jumping the border.
Obama: The Patriot Act was George Bush.
Dave: Barack don't do it to yourself. Don't keep saying it was Bush. What happened to 'Hope' and 'Change'?
Obama: I can't do it anymore. Everyone hates me. The only reason I'm alive is because of the Secret Service.
Dave: I wouldn't trust them. I heard on the Internet they got plans. You get out of hand they'll take you out like they did JFK.
Obama: What? Where did you hear this?
Dave: On the Internet.
Obama: Is there any more details?
Dave: It said they would blame it on militant Muslims or a racist group like the Aryan Nation. Word is they already got a patsy or two lined up.
Obama: Surely this is just fear mongering. The secret service are here to protect me not kill me.
Dave: That is what JFK thought. But on to more important matters.
Obama: What? What could be more important than my life?
Dave: What do you think about Britney on the X Factor?
Obama: That is more important?
Dave: Is to Britney.
Obama: I'm sure she will do very well.
Dave: Really? You honestly think that?
Obama: (laughing) Hell no. She is going to meltdown like a Japanese nuclear reactor.
Dave: Hey. Hey. That is not funny. People died you jerk.
Obama: (still laughing) I know. All part of the plan.
Dave: What the fuck? What?
Obama: (not laughing) Forget I said anything.
Dave: You said it was part of a plan.
Obama: Actually I said part of the plan; not a plan. But you'll forget I said that.
Dave: How can I forget that?
Obama: You either forget it or I scream once and four armed guards make you look like Swiss cheese.
Dave: Well you leave me no choice. I'll forget it. Hey, as I'm forgetting all this any word on Kenya and that?
Obama: All true.
Dave: Which bits?
Obama: All of it. When the New World Order is in place I, and my associates, will rule the world.
Dave: You are mad you are.
Obama: OK. This interview is over, Get out and remember.
Dave: Remember what?
Obama: Remember nothing. You tell anyone anything you are dead.

So that is how the interview went down. I risk my life telling you all of this. But for the sake of journalism, and humanity, I do so.

If I ever strangely just disappear you'll know they got me. But if you have read this far they may be after you too. Be vigilant - Be safe - Be aware.