In A Coma

For those of you that are too lazy to follow me on Twitter you may not know that it was reported that I was allegedly dead. This is not true. I never died. I have since found out this was a rumor started by Karl who was hoping to get my spot in the alley where I live. The truth is that I was in a coma. I don't know all the details because I was in coma but I can tell you what I experienced while I was in the coma.

Some of you may not want to hear what I experienced, just simply because it goes against what you think you know, but I experienced it; I went through it. If you don't want to read then don't.

When I was in a coma I experienced some really strange stuff. I felt I was dead. As my body laid there I was somehow looking down on it as I rose up in the sky. It was odd because I was shouting at people below to grab me but nobody even noticed me. As I passed through the clouds I really thought I was dead; which was quite a strange feeling. On one hand I was pissed that I was dead but on the other hand I was happy that I was heading upwards and not downwards.

After passing through the clouds I came to this city. It looked like Detroit but there was no garbage on the streets. I stood there for a few minutes, just looking at how clean and bright everything was, when some guy touched my shoulder.

I wasn't sure where I was, or whether I was alive or dead, so my first instinct was to turn around and shout "Get the fuck off me. I have no money for you." He smiled, and said, "Brother I'm just here to help you." He looked like he had a honest face so I asked him where I was.

His answer scared the shit out of me. He said I was in Heaven. I asked him if I was dead and he said that I wasn't dead I was merely resting and experiencing some kind of euphoric nirvana. I told him that I had nothing to do with Kurt Cobain; and not to judge me. He said that I wouldn't be judged for a day or two. I asked him if I was in Purgatory. He laughed and said that was just a Catholic scam; and didn't really exist.

As we walked to what he called the 'Induction Hall' we chatted. And I asked him the obvious question - So is Michael Jackson in Heaven? He looked at me, smiled, and said "Yes. It was pretty much the only way to escape the cruel world below." I mentioned that Walmart had fired me for no reason whatsoever, so I knew how cruel the world was, but he didn't seem to care.

I'm not sure how to describe the Induction Hall. Think of the DMV but with friendly people who have souls.

(At this point I'd like to mention to any DMV personnel that if I come into the DMV office not to hold that example against me.)

I took a number from the machine and joked about feeling like I was at the Deli and would order a pound of bologna when I got to the front. I looked down and the ticket was D666. I thought that was not a good thing, so I dropped the ticket and picked another, again it was D666. I must have pulled about 100 tickets and they all said D666. Then the guy said: "Pull as many tickets as you want they will all say the same. It is a ticket for you. No matter what ticket you pull it will be yours."

Now I was panicking. I'd somehow just arrived in Heaven and the first souvenir is a ticket saying D666. I might as well not wait for the judging and just jump down to Hell.

One good thing about Heaven - no waiting. As soon as I approached they called out "D666". I did hesitate at first hoping some other sucker got the same number; but I was that sucker.

I approached the desk, and this nice young lady asked me to be seated, she confirmed my name was David Jackson, and then proceeded to go through a few details. Well, to cut the boredom out of Heaven suffice to say I was assigned a hotel room until my judgement and given a complimentary bag of goodies. The bag contained a map, some phone numbers, and a few toiletries. As I was leaving the desk I apologized for the D666 ticket. The young lady smiled at me and said: "Let us hope its not a sign." It was at that point I remembered that Michael Jackson was here. I asked her which room he was in. She said that he had already been judged, and that if you stay in Heaven after your judgement you move to Paradise City. I asked if she used to be a Guns N Roses fan. No response. I asked if I could get Michael Jackson's phone number. She said no; but she could inform him that I wished to speak to him. Something to do with 'judgement waiters' could not contact those that had already been judged; but it worked the other way around.  I joked it was like trying to talk to the IRS; she didn't get that joke either.

The hotel room I got was pretty nice. Basic but nice. One tip for anyone that ends up in the 'Judgement Hotel' don't waste your time trying to select the 'adult' channels on the TV; they are blocked and a notice comes on the screen saying: "Those types of channel are blocked. If you wish to watch that sort of thing go to Hell."

I awoke the next morning feeling really refreshed. I have to admit that I almost forgot I dead; well half-dead. Now when I say half-dead I wasn't a zombie. I don't truly know how it all worked but I was in Heaven and not dead.

I was watching the weather as I ate breakfast; pondering how they knew that Fruit Loops were my favorite. Then the phone rang. It was the guy I had met the day before. He told me that there had been a cancellation and I was going to be judged today. He said he would pick me up from the hotel.

This was not good. I got dressed. I was trying to decide whether shoplifting was a crime or a sin. I didn't want to go to Hell just for surviving. OK there were a few items I took that I could have survived without; but overall it was purely survival.

I thought of all the good I had done on Earth. That lasted about two seconds.

I went down to the lobby and waited. Once again the wait was short. My friend said we would walk to the Judgement Hall. I hate walking but luckily it was only a short walk. I asked him if Jesus was going to be the one that judged me. He said Jesus doesn't judge. I said I hope it is not Judge Judy. Nothing. Seriously, Heaven needs a sense of humor.

Once in the Judgement Hall I was told to go in a room. I went in. Sitting at the front was God. I think it was God. He said he was God; but I have never seen God so I had to take his word for it.

He said that I was lucky that my judgement had been moved forward. I jokingly said that it depends where I end up. Once again nothing.

He checked that I was David Jackson and asked why I preferred to be called Dave. I told him most of the people I know have problems remembering long names. He shook his head. He then started on about whether I would like to call any witnesses. I said I'd like to call Michael Jackson seems I may never get the chance to see him otherwise. God asked me which Michael Jackson. Oh shit I never thought that Heaven would have more Michael Jacksons than Twitter. I told him the Michael Jackson known as the King of Pop. He said they had no record. I told him that I had already asked 2 people and they had confirmed that Michael Jackson was there. He asked me who I asked, I told him, and in a flash of light they were both there. God asked them if I had mentioned Michael Jackson to them. Both said I had but that I had not really been clear about which one.

God looked at me sternly and said that since the beginning of time there had been close to 4 million Michael Jacksons; and of those there were 989,734 in Paradise City. I thought about the Guns N Roses joke but decided not to mention it.

So, Michael Jackson, well the one I wanted to talk to, was not dead. This was proof that Michael Jackson was alive. This was more proof than some stupid number theory. This was more proof than Harvey Levin saying something. God himself had just told me that Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, was alive.

I interrupted God, and said that as I wasn't dead I didn't think I'd be judged. He got really angry at that. He threw his gavel at the court clerk, and was muttering under his beard. He then looked at me and said: "I'm sorry Mr David Jackson there seems to have been an error. You are right in the fact that I cannot judge you until you die. So see this as a chance to go back to Earth and spread the word."

I thanked him and told him not to worry; that I would tell everyone that God said Michael Jackson is alive. He was saying something as I left; but I didn't hear him.

I awoke from the coma. And although it had all happened in a couple of days I had actually been in Heaven almost a year. It was an odd feeling.

Well, that is my experience of Heaven. A place with no sense of humor. I don't care if anyone believes me or not I lived it (not sure lived it is the right expression for dying). And as God, and Bon Jovi say: Keep the faith!