The Hoaxers Toolkit

So you heard the news on June 25, 2009 that Michael Jackson was deader than Jermaine Jackson's singing career. You cried a bit. You watched the memorial. You cried a bit more. You watched the funeral. You cried even more. But as time went on things just did not add up; and you started thinking it was a hoax.

You power up the trusty computer, that up until now has only been used for solitaire, and start to investigate the Michael Jackson Hoax Death on the Internet.

STOP! You are not ready. It is a fucking jungle in the hoax world. You need the right tools. You don't pop the hood of your car and just go at it blindly. You don't whip the back off your TV and start monkeying around until the picture comes back. Before you jump in all Perry Mason like you need to get yourself some tools.

First thing first. Yes, it was very nice of Microsoft to install Internet Explorer with Windows but that just isn't going to cut it in the hoaxing world. It was OK to log in to MSN, it even did a half decent job of checking email, but you are a hoaxer now. So head on over to Mozilla and grab yourself a free download of Firefox (It is like Internet Explorer but it works). You no longer need to see the Internet, and Hoaxville, through the eyes of Microsoft.

OK I know what you did. You installed Firefox and thought you were ready. Well don't think like that; that is the amateur way and you are on your way to be a professional hoaxer. There is more to come before you step into the hoaxing world; and more importantly Hoaxville.

Firefox is like a blank canvas. It is what it is. But add a splash of proverbial color and the blank canvas becomes a work of art that even Nelson De La Nuez would be in awe of.

Strap on your seat belt because we are going to add some bells and whistles to Firefox before you hit the Hoaxers Information Super Highway; and Hoaxville.

Adblock+ - There is already enough scum making money off the name of Michael Jackson; and not all of them are Jermaine Jackson. You don't need to be encouraging unscrupulous advertisers. You don't need to be clicking adverts to generate revenue for some shady news source like TMZ. Adblock+ will ensure you never see an advert for "Jermaine Jackson Sings Thriller Only On iTunes" again.

Screengrab! - Does exactly what it says it does. Grab the whole screen, grab a portion of the screen, save as JPG, or save as PNG. The choice is all yours. Why do you need this? Because the hoax has a way of disappearing right before your eyes. Certain forum admins will delete threads because they do not mention the Illuminati. Other forum admins will close threads which didn't have enough flowers growing on them. And when you head over to Hoaxville on Twitter you'll notice certain accounts will just disappear. Usually when the person is outed as a scum bag, a fake, an impostor, or Maura's new account for that week. This is an invaluable tool for referencing the hoax material and ensuring Hoaxville memories live on.

Downloadhelper - Downloads pretty much anything. But for the hoaxer in Hoaxville, it is great for downloading videos from Youtube and the like before the evil Sony corporation have them removed. Also, for those accounts linked to the Twitter accounts mentioned earlier. Their videos go when they fuck off. But you can save them and upload them for all of Hoaxville to admire; once again ensuring that no memory of Hoaxville is ever left behind.

FoxyProxy - At some point in your hoaxing investigations you may get banned. It could be a forum, it could be Tinychat, or it could even be from TMZ for spamming them with "Michael Is Alive" comments. Well now, thanks to FoxyProxy when your IP is banned from anywhere you can pretend you are the only person in Egypt or China with unrestricted Internet access; and go back to where you were banned and raise a little hell.

Now your browser is a fully functioning hoax investigating machine. But it doesn't end there. You need a couple more tools in the old hoax investigators toolkit.

An email address. No, not the one you are currently using for work, family and friends. Sign up for a new email address with Gmail. This will be where all your hoax stuff gets sent. So when you are looking for that elusive document that the boss emailed to you, you don't have to trawl through 100 emails with the subject of "So And So Released A Hoax Video".

A Twitter account. Yeah Facebook and Myspace exist but Twitter is where it is at. Here you will find like-minded hoaxers sharing thoughts, ideas, links, and sometimes just bizarre shit. Also almost every day Michael Jackson himself is on Twitter - and if you are worried about too many people wanting to talk to Michael Jackson don't because he has at least 50 accounts to choose from.

The final thing you will need is alcohol. Once in Hoaxvile you will understand why this is so important. You may feel you don't need to drink alcohol but trust me on this; you will eventually.

But before you head to Hoaxville some advice from a weary traveller who has been down that very road:

Bookmarks - Use them. They make life easier. Don't be putting 5 million icons on your desktop. Bookmarks are your friend.

Scams - Someone somewhere will ask for money. Just politely tell them to fuck off and die somewhere. It is a hoax not a pay-per-view channel.

Weirdos - Unlike Waldo you really don't want to find these people. Chances are you'll bump in to one or two in Hoaxville. Who am I kidding? - The place is littered with them. Leave them in their own drool and you'll be fine.

Fun - Yes it is a hoax and yes it may cover some serious points and issues. But it is your time so have fun, and a smile, while you are hoax investigating.

You are now ready to face the world of Hoaxville. Along the way you will pick up a few more tools but at least you are prepared for the normal day to day bullshit that happens.

Peace.

Cuss Count: Low

Legal Notice: Hoaxville is not a real place. Your GPS will not find it. Not everyone in Hoaxville is a bastard; but like real life there are some out there. Alcohol was suggested for those of age to drink.

The Trial: The Finale

It is July 2011 and the trial of Conrad Murray has reached its conclusion. The final day of questioning begins.

Judge: Order. Order. Lets get some order in this court. I know today is the last day so let us not mess about with objections if we can. And I'd like to remind council I have a golf tee of at 3:30PM so keep it brief. Mr Chernoff you have the floor; call your next witness.
Chernoff: Thank you your honor. For my final witness, who is not on the witness list, I'd like to call Michael Jackson.
Walgren: Objection.
Judge: Make it good Mr Walgren.
Walgren: He is calling the deceased. Your honor surely ...
Judge: Mr Walgren I am well aware who Michael Jackson is after all I am not a paramedic. Mr Chernoff I am allowing the witness; and furthermore he has five minutes to take the stand.

In the courtroom there was a disturbance as an elderly man removed his hat, took off his glasses, and removed the scarf from around his face. He stood up and took his long coat off. Jermaine Jackson spoke to him.

Jermaine: Michael, you are alive, my brother is it really you?
Michael: Yes Jermaine it is me. By the way that tribute - that is just one reason I hate your greasy face.

Michael makes his way to the witness stand and took a seat. He wondered why it was called a stand when there was a chair; but that wasn't important.

Judge: You sure you are Michael Jackson?
Michael: Yes your honor.
Judge: Just checking. Don't want you to turn out to be ECasanova. Wouldn't happen to have a driving license?
Michael: Yes your honor.

Michael hands his driving license to the Judge who inspects it.

Judge: Hey Walgren you owe me $50. The middle name says Joe. OK Mr Chernoff I'm satisfied the witness is Michael Jackson. I suppose you want me to dismiss the case against your client?
Chernoff: No your honor. I'd like to be given time to question Mr Jackson.
Judge: Look he is here. No need to question him. Your client, no matter how shady he appears, is obviously innocent.
Chernoff: I understand your honor but there are some facts I'd like entered into public record.
Judge: OK make it quick. Mr Walgren any objection?
Walgren: No your honor. I have already lost the case and the bet. No point worrying about anything now. Hell if Jesus was a surprise witness I would not be surprised.
Judge: Very funny Mr Walgren. OK Mr Chernoff proceed.

Chernoff starts to question Michael Jackson.

Chernoff: Could you state your full name for the court.
Michael: Michael Joe Jackson.
Chernoff: Mr Jackson are you dead?
Michael: Do I look dead?
Judge: Mr Chernoff we have established Mr Jackson is alive. Get on with it.
Chernoff: Mr Jackson on June 25, 2009 did you purposefully fake your death?
Michael: Yes I did.
Chernoff: And why was that?
Michael: The problems I was having with the Legion Of Doom.
Chernoff: What?
Michael: That is what me and Conrad called the Nation Of Islam.
Chernoff: And do you see Mr Conrad Murray in the court?

Michael points at Conrad Murray.

Michael: Well that is Conrad Murray. But that is not his real name.
Chernoff: Do you know the real name of Mr Murray?
Michael: Yes. It is Soule Shaun. We thought it would be funny to use his name at the hospital. That way in reality Soule Shaun did enter the hospital.
Chernoff: I see. And why was Mr Murray at your residence on June 25, 2009?
Michael: He was assigned to protect me and assist me in disappearing.
Chernoff: Escaping from the Legion Of Doom?
Michael: Hee hee.
Chernoff: I mean escaping from the Nation Of Islam?
Michael: Yes.
Chernoff: Would you care to elaborate?
Michael: Well, the Nation Of Islam were taking over my life. They were assigned as my security yet they were really my captors. And Dr Tohme Tohme, or Tum Tum as we referred to him, was orchestrating it all to try and get my assets. He is one of them you know.
Chernoff: And to avoid this you faked your death?
Michael: It is a bit more complicated than that. Let me explain.
Chernoff: Please do.
Michael: Well, with the Nation Of Islam after me I contacted the FBI. And they suggested a meeting and so it didn't look suspicious we met at Dr Arnie Klein's office. At the first meeting it was suggested I needed a FBI agent to protect me from any threat to my life. But so the Nation Of Islam didn't suspect anything the FBI agent was to act as my doctor.
Chernoff: And the reason for the name change?
Michael: Because he was undercover. That is why if you look at his background it has more holes than Swiss cheese.
Chernoff: So why the elaboration of making it look like Conrad Murray had killed you?
Michael: I couldn't just die. I had just passed an extreme physical for the tour insurance. There would be too many questions. Also, the Nation Of Islam might think it suspicious and watch for signs of me being alive; or trail Conrad.
Chernoff: So for the last two years you have been in protective custody?
Michael: Hell no. I've been all over the place. As far as anyone was concerned I was dead. So if people saw me they just thought I was an impersonator.
Chernoff: I see.
Michael: No you didn't. I was at the preliminary hearing and you didn't see me.
Chernoff: You were?
Michael: Yes. Don't you remember that slender blond you gave your number to? That was me.
Chernoff: Really? That would explain why she, I mean you, didn't call.
Michael: Nobody was looking for me so they didn't see me. It was an illusion. And if someone said they saw me they just looked like a redneck National Enquirer reader.
Walgren: Objection. I read the National Enquirer.
Judge: Figures. Shut up redneck.
Chernoff: Finally Mr Jackson, do you now intend to return to your normal life?
Michael: My life is far from normal. I wake in the morning and the paparazzi are taking shots of my bedroom window before I even take my morning dump. But yes I will be returning to my life and children.
Chernoff: No further questions your honor.
Judge: Mr Walgren would you like to cross examine the witness?
Walgren: What is the point? I am here to try Conrad Murray for killing Michael Jackson. Firstly, Conrad Murray is not Conrad Murray. Secondly, Michael Jackson is alive. I worked for two and a half years solid on this case. I missed my wife's birthday because of it. And then today I find all my work was for nothing.
Judge: OK Mr Walgren nobody wants to hear your whiny sob story. Save it for someone who gives a shit. Mr Jackson you are excused.
Michael: Thank you your honor. I have a press conference to attend.

Michael leaves the court surrounded by camera crews and reporters. Meanwhile back in the court.

Judge: Would the defendant rise.

Conrad Murray stands up.

Judge: Mr Murray, Mr Shaun, Mr Soule or whatever your real name is. You are hereby free to leave this court and the case against you is dismissed. Your medical licenses will be reinstated.
Murray: Thank you your honor. But I don't actually have any medical licenses; it was just a cover.
Judge: Yes yes. Anyway, court dismissed. Now get this circus out of here so I can go play golf.

Peace.

Cuss Count: Very Low

Legal Notice: This court case has no bearing on the criminal proceedings against Conrad Murray. Nor does this blog offer any legal advice to Conrad or his attorneys. This post is satire; and should not be considered legal advice by anyone with two or more brain cells.

The Secret Diary Of A Fake MJ

Sometimes people wonder what goes on in the heads of the people who decide to take it uponthemself to be a fake Michael Jackson online. Well, wonder no more. Thanks to various sources I was able to obtain the secret diary of a fake Michael Jackson. Which gives an insightful look into the mind of the thoughts, and reasoning, behind one such individual.

The following, unedited, excerpts from that diary shows what makes the average fake Michael Jackson tick.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Mom woke me this morning at 10:00AM wondering what cereal I wanted. It was too fucking early to care. I told her I'm 29 years old and I'll decide my own cereal. She said that as long as I am not working, and living under her roof, I'd get what she could afford. Living at home pisses me off. I need to get a place of my own. I chose Captain Crunch for the flavor factor.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Found this fake Michael Jackson account on Twitter. Noticed that it had over a thousand followers. Now that is the life. Thought about it for a couple of seconds and decided to setup my own fake Michael Jackson account. I am now TheRealMJ777 on Twitter.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Woke up with a purpose today; for the first time in eighteen months.

Checked my Twitter account. I already had 43 followers. So this is what fame feels like. Decided to write my first tweet: "Hi, I love you more." Enough to get a few more followers I am sure.

Told Mom at dinner that I was Michael Jackson on Twitter. She just rolled her eyes and asked if it paid anything. She doesn't understand the computer age. Told her I had 43 followers. She said I was no Charles Manson and if she found any hippies in the basement she would call the police.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Yes! I am up to 81 followers now. Someone mentioned TheRealMJ777 on the MJHD.NET forum. Had a conversation in Direct Message (DM) with someone who thinks I am Michael Jackson. I think they are female.

Them: So are you really the real Michael Jackson?
Me: Yes I am. Are you a fan?
Them: OMG. Yes I am. I love all your music.
Me: Even the new album?
Them: Yes I love it.
Me: I love it more. Hee hee.
Them: I can imagine you smiling.
Me: I have to go Mom is calling.
Them: OMG Katherine knows you are alive.
Me: Sure. Umm Yeah. I love you more.

After re-reading the messages I am hoping they are female.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Didn't get online until late. Mom made me go look for a job. I might be working at Burger King soon - they have what they said is a "special program" for people like me.

I now have 133 followers. Most are asking me how I am. I can't tell them I pissed off, living in the spare bedroom, and doing household chores for my Mom. I decide to tweet: "I am well, and I will be back. I love you more." I cannot believe that this many people think I am Michael Jackson.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

This is fucking awesome. I have 151 people thinking I am Michael Jackson. They talk to me as if I really was Michael Jackson. Sometimes I don't know what to say; but I somehow manage to talk my way out of those situations. One person, DelusionalMJFan, said she wanted to email me so I gave her my email in a DM. I told her that I felt I could trust her and she fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

Being Michael Jackson is taking up a lot of my time. I just realized I haven't showered in 6 days. Maybe when I hit the seventh day it is a sign - LOL.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

DelusionalMJFan sent me some pictures. I did not know it was possible to do that with a Michael Jackson figurine. I forwarded the email to my Dungeon & Dragon friends. In the email she said: "I was writing the email to you, and I just got to thinking about you, so I decided to take some pictures, and one thing lead to another. I hope you are not embarrassed. I imagine you blushing as you look at them." Little did she know I was doing more than blushing.

Mom caught me looking at the pictures. A very awkward moment. I could not explain the sequin glove and the jar of Vaseline. Luckily I did not have to as she just left the room crying. Maybe it was her glove.

Monday, July 19, 2010

I now have 205 followers. This is beyond what I thought it would be. Decided to play with them a bit and looked online for some obscure pictures which would throw them over the edge as far as me being Michael Jackson. DelusionalMJFan wasn't on until late. She said in DM that she had to work; and that she has two jobs. I told her if she was with me she wouldn't have to work - she liked that. I didn't tell her it is because we could both live of Mom's disability checks.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Fame at last. I was mentioned on the MJHD.NET and the MJDHI forums. Someone posted my pictures. This really boosted my followers - I now have 331. I noticed another fake Michael Jackson was following me; but they only have 52 followers. What a fucking loser.

DelusionalMJFan asked tonight if I could call her. I had to think fast and say no. I told her my voice needed resting as I was working on some new songs. I think I went a bit too far as I said one of the songs was inspired by her. She tweeted "*Crying*" over and over again. I don't know if she tweeted anything after that as I had to go rub Mom's cream on her back.

When I got back DelusionalMJFan wasn't online so I left her a DM saying: "Don't cry it is a sweet thing that I did. I was meant to make you happy. Sorry."

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Mom wanted to go to bingo tonight. As I have to drive her I missed talking to DelusionalMJFan. On the positive side Mom won a Brut 33 gift pack. If I ever meet up with DelusionalMJFan I will most definitely wear it.

I now 340 followers. Things are slowing down a bit. I need to generate some excitement. I decided to tweet a cryptic clue: "9-2 / 25-18 / 7+4" I hope they can work out it is 7/7/11 - LOL. A little something to make them think. DelusionalMJFan sent some more pictures. I was exhausted after looking at them.

Must buy more Vaseline tomorrow.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Yes it fucking worked. Mentioned on both forums again and TS even redirected to my Twitter account. My followers skyrocketed to 502. I did notice that on MJHD.NET they somehow got 8/7/11. Oh well. A day late and a dollar short. Talking of dollars, the Dollar Store had a sale on Vaseline, I got this big 48 oz jar for $1.50. Not sure why they call it a Dollar Store if things are more than a dollar.

DelusionalMJFan seemed a bit upset that I had all these followers. She said that I would have no time for her. I told her to keep sending the pictures and I would always have time for her.

Someone on Twitter is tweeting that I am a fake. Look buddy it says The REAL MJ. That means I am really real and I am Michael Jackson. Some people should think before they tweet about me.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Started work at Burger King today. I was on fries. The manager said that if I didn't burn myself again tomorrow I might even become King of the fries. I so nearly said "Well I am the King of Pop on Twitter." but I didn't.

Mom was in a good mood when I got home which makes no sense. Mr Dobson from next door had just finished fixing her furnace. I could tell because he was still sweaty.

700 followers. Yes. In a little over a week I have 700 followers. Got an email from Barry asking why I hadn't been to the last two Dungeon & Dragons meetings. I sent him the new pictures from DelusionalMJFan. That should keep him busy for a while and leave me alone to be Michael Jackson.

This is just a just a small snippet of the diary. Much of it is the same. Except when it gets to August ...

Saturday, August 29, 2010

I had people tweeting "Happy Birthday" to me all day. I eventually got pissed off and tweeted: "My birthday is not until November idiots." I then realized what I did and deleted the tweet. It is Michael Jackson's birthday. DelusionalMJFan sent me 23 e-cards. I read the first one because it said it had an attachment; but it wasn't pictures. I'm thinking about moving on to someone else real soon if I don't get no pictures.

Sunday, August 30, 2010

It is all over. Someone did a screen capture of my tweet. Everyone on Twitter is now saying that I am a fake. DelusionalMJFan even stopped following me. I can't believe it is over. Damn. I only have 43 followers now; which just isn't worth the time. I am going to have to delete the account.

Maybe I'll create a new one next week.

This is just a short journey into the mind of a person willing to be a fake Michael Jackson online. As can be seen on Twitter there are many more of these people about.

Peace.

Cuss Count: Surprisingly Low

Legal Notice: This is actually satire. Although something like it most likely does actually exist. Whether you are a believer or not the chances of Michael Jackson announcing his comeback on Twitter are still about infinity to one. For anyone wishing to use the Twitter name TheRealMJ777 - sorry it is gone; I registered it just in case anyone decided to use it. Strangely it got two followers while writing the post.

The Trial

The following is just a possibility of what may happen on the last couple of days when Conrad Murray goes to trial. As always; all persons mentioned are innocent unless proven otherwise in a court of law.

July 2011

In a packed courthouse which has seen testimony after testimony come forward with conflicting stories; finally the moment some have been so anxiously waiting for:

Judge: Order. Order. This court now resumes in the case of People versus Murray. Mr Chernoff please call your next witness.
Chernoff: Your honor I call the defendant, the man of the hour, Mr bad tie himself, the one, the only, Conrad Murray.

Conrad leaves the defense area and makes his way to the stand. The judge notices yet another awful tie; this one reminding him of a road crash victim that had been slaughtered by a semi truck.

Judge: For the record state your full name, your current address, and why you are wearing that god-awful tie.
Murray: I plead the fifth amendment your honor.
Judge: I only asked your name and address. The tie comment was just a little joke.
Murray: Yes I know your honor. But I would still like to plead the fifth.
Judge: Council approach the bench.

Both Chernoff and Walgren approach the bench. All three speak off mic.

Judge: I don't know kind of shit you are trying to pull here.
Chernoff: I assure you all will become clear in time your honor.
Judge: Prosecution, you know anything about this?
Walgren: No your honor. And I must say it is most unusual.
Judge: Unusual? He's turning my court into a fucking circus.
Chernoff: Your honor if you will bear with me all will become clear.
Judge: Look Chernoff I don't like you and I don't like your client so make this fucking charade real damn quick.
Chernoff: Yes your honor.
Walgren: Objection.
Judge: Overruled. I have golf this weekend and I would like to play with a clear head. So let's get this shit over with.

The prosecutor returns to his desk. The judge takes a quick swig of whiskey. Chernoff prepares to question Conrad Murray.

Chernoff: For the purpose of these proceedings I will refer to you as Conrad Murray even though you refuse to confirm that. Is that OK?
Murray: Yes it is.
Chernoff: Conrad on June 25, 2009 at approximately 9:30AM where were you?
Murray: I was at 100 N. Carolwood Drive; the home of Michael Jackson.
Chernoff: And why was you there?
Murray: I had been assigned to look after Mr Jackson.
Chernoff: And did this 'care' include the well-being of Mr Jackson?
Murray: In a way yes.
Walgren: Objection. The defendant was employed by AEG as a doctor therefore the 'well-being' of Mr Jackson should have been his primary concern.
Chernoff: Your honor we are going to cover that.
Judge: Well make it quick. Objection overruled.
Chernoff: Thank you your honor. So, Conrad was AEG your employer at the time the alleged crime took place?
Murray: No. They had drawn up a contract which I had not signed. Also they had not paid me at that point. So without a legal contract of employment and no monetary compensation I was not employed by AEG.
Walgren: Objection
Judge: Overruled.
Walgren: But I haven't stated why.
Judge: I really don't care why. You are starting to piss me off with objecting every fucking thing.
Walgren: But your honor.
Judge: Look, shut it. One more interruption without good reason and I will find you in contempt of court.
Walgren: That is bullshit.
Judge: What?
Walgren: Nothing.
Judge: That is what I thought. Now, continue Mr Chernoff.

Chernoff resumes questioning Conrad Murray.

Chernoff: So if AEG was not your employer why were you at the residence of Mr Jackson?
Murray: I'd rather not say.
Chernoff: OK. For the record let it state that Mr Conrad Murray was not employed by AEG, legally, as a personal physician for Mr Jackson. And therefore as he was not engaged in his legal duties as a doctor he is covered by the 'Good Samaritan' clause of law as established by the Supreme Court in California.
Walgren: Objection.
Judge: Overruled. As long as Mr Chernoff can prove that Mr Murray, or whoever he is, has documented proof.
Chernoff: Your honor I refer to evidence CM001A-B, the employment contract between AEG and Conrad Murray, which was retrieved by the LAPD on June 29, 2009 at the Jackson residence. You'll notice the lack of signatures on behalf of AEG. As both parties had not signed the contract it is in no way legally binding.
Judge: Ooh that is good. I did not see that one coming I'll admit.
Chernoff: Thank you your honor.
Judge: OK Mr Chernoff I'm going to indulge myself and allow the proposed argument; unless prosecution has anything to contradict it.
Walgren: No your honor. In the words of a well-known prostitute - we could be fucked here.
Judge: It would appear so. OK Mr Chernoff back to questioning.
Chernoff: The defense has no further questions at this time for the defendant.
Judge: Really? You are leaving it at that? OK if you say so. Mr Walgren your witness.

Prosecution starts to question Conrad Murray.

Walgren: Sir if you would state your full name for the record.
Judge: Michael Pastor.
Walgren: Sorry your honor I was addressing the defendant.
Murray: I plead the fifth amendment.
Walgren: So you cannot give the court your full name without incriminating yourself?
Murray: In a roundabout way that is correct.
Judge: Council we did this already. Just move on.
Walgren: But your honor.
Judge: The only but at the moment is you. Just get on with it.
Walgren: Anyway. So you plead the fifth on your name. Care to enlighten the court as to why?
Murray: Not really. Not at this time. It is none of your business.
Walgren: Talking of business. Just exactly what was you doing on the phone while Mr Jackson need you?
Murray: Actually I was taking care of business on behalf of Mr Jackson.
Walgren: Let me get this straight. While Mr Jackson is taking his last breaths you were completing the business affairs of Mr Jackson?
Murray: I never said they were his last breaths. You did. Surely you wouldn't want to be seen as badgering the witness?
Walgren: Mr Murray I'll ask the questions. Thank you.
Murray: You are welcome.
Walgren: So exactly what business were you taking care of?
Murray: Travel arrangements and the like.
Walgren: So your client, and alleged friend, is dying and you want to arrange travel?
Murray: You have some fixation that Michael was dying. Where did you get that idea?
Walgren: Mr Murray the world saw the ambulance picture. The world saw Mr Jackson being stretchered to the helicopter.
Murray: The world saw what it wanted to see. Even my good friend Brian Oxman has declared the ambulance picture as a fake; a hoax if you will.
Walgren: So you are suggesting that Mr Michael Jackson was not in the ambulance?
Murray: I'm not suggesting anything. I'm telling you Michael Jackson was not in that ambulance.
Walgren: So who was Mr Murray?
Murray: That is confidential.
Walgren: Objection your honor. The defendant must answer the question.
Judge: Overruled. Move on. I don't care for this line of questioning. Valuable drinking time is being wasted. Let us just agree to disagree.
Walgren: Your honor I must protest.
Judge: Protest all you want. My court my rules. If you don't like it don't play in my court.
Walgren: This is highly irregular.
Judge: Mr Walgren we are not here to discuss court procedures. Either you question the defendant or sit down and shut the hell up.
Walgren: So Mr Murray when you went to the UCLA emergency room ...
Judge: (Laughing)
Walgren: Your honor?
Judge: Sorry, but every time you I have heard UCLA mentioned I think of Mr Murray dressed as a construction worker doing the YMCA dance. Carry on.
Walgren: So Mr Murray when you were at the UCLA emergency room did you mention to anyone that Mr Jackson was alive, well, and elsewhere?
Murray: Are you fucking crazy? Do you even know what a fake or a hoax is?
Walgren: Yes I do.
Murray: So what is with the dumb questions?
Walgren: I'll ask the questions. Fuck it. The witness is excused. I don't see the point any more. As a public servant I command respect not to be treated like some court jester.
Judge: (Laughing) Court jester. That was a good one. OK if you are done with the defendant. We shall retire for the day and resume whenever I remember to.
Walgren: Yes your honor.
Chernoff: Thank you your honor.
Murray: OK I'm off down to the gym.
Judge: This court is adjourned until the blogger writes the second piece of this shit.

Peace.

Cuss Count: Medium

Legal Notice: This court case has no bearing on the criminal proceedings against Conrad Murray. Nor does this blog offer any legal advice to Conrad or his attorneys. This post is satire; and should not be considered legal advice by anyone with two or more brain cells.

Homeless Dave Speaks

He's become a sensation amongst Twitter users the world over; now the man known only as "Homeless Dave" speaks about the Michael Jackson hoax death.

Following is the full unedited transcript of the interview with "Homeless Dave":

MJHDC: So Dave, you have a last name?
Dave: Dave is fine, Homeless Dave if you want to be formal about things, but no last name. I aint going to let the man know. I don't want to be in no government computer. That is how they get you.
MJHDC: Who gets you?
Dave: The government man; the bastards trying to keep us down.
MJHDC: You could get government help to get a house you know.
Dave: Then the man knows where you live. You could be sleeping at night and all of a sudden the man is in your bedroom with a gun to your head telling you who to vote for.
MJHDC: I Think you'd be pretty safe Dave.
Dave: That is what they want you to think. That is when they know you are no longer a risk; because you trust them. Then they have you.
MJHDC: So, Dave, anything you want to say about the Michael Jackson hoax death?
Dave: Yeah, don't trust the Jacksons.
MJHDC: What?
Dave: I was resting in this doorway once and I looked up and saw Tito Jackson coming out of Taco Bell. Well, I figured this little pepper pot has some money he can spare a taco to get me through the night. I went over and held my hat out and said "Mr Jackson can you help a man down on his luck please?" Fucker took my hat; no thanks or nothing. Just got in his car with my hat. As he drove off I shouted "Tito, you cunt, Michael was the only talented one; you and your fucking brothers couldn't carry a tune in a bucket."
MJHDC: So, your whole hatred of the Jackson family is because Tito stole your hat?
Dave: It wasn't just a hat. It was a friend. I'd had that hat for 14 years. I'd even named it George; after George Foreman. I called it that because it was a flat cap and George Foreman had a flat face where he'd been punched so much; also it looked like it had been in one of his grills - the hat not George Foreman's face.
MJHDC: Met any other Jackson family members?
Dave: I've met a couple of them. I met Joe Jackson one night outside this nightclub. I went over and said "Excuse me Mr Jackson spare some change?" Well Joe was great about it. He gave me $5 and cup of coffee. He even signed my hat which Tito fucking stole.
MJHDC: Dave just let the hat go.
Dave: I have. I have a new one. Well, new to me. I call it Arnie, after Arnie Klein, because when I found it the thing was full of shit and looked a bit gay.
MJHDC: A hat named Arnie; I don't know what to say to that. So you say you met a couple of the Jackson family; who was the other one?
Dave: I met Michael Jackson. It was last year. I know some people think he is dead and all that shit but I swear, as God is my witness, it was Michael. He came over to me and asked me how long I had been on the streets and then gave me a hug and $10. I told him Joe had given me $5 once and he just smiled and said that his Dad was tight with his money even though he gets most of it from his Mom.
MJHDC: You saw Michael in 2010 and didn't bother to mention it until now?
Dave: Well I told a couple of people, Clara and Mildred who sleep down by the docks, and they just laughed and told me to stop drinking paint thinner. I tried to convince them it was Michael Jackson; but they had me second guessing myself. And when I awoke the next morning I decided it might be better to not mention it.
MJHDC: How was Michael dressed?
Dave: Regular street clothes. Jeans, t-shirt, and a jacket. If you passed him on the street you might not even recognize him. Not that he doesn't look like Michael but you just don't expect to see him. After all the bullshit media is pushing it that he is dead.
MJHDC: Do you think he is dead?
Dave: No. Not only have I seen Michael I have looked at some of the forums in the public library. Too many things don't add up - hell even that fucking TS couldn't get them to add up.
MJHDC: You read the Michael Jackson hoax forums. What do you think of them?
Dave: Some are OK. Some are good. But some are just more out there than old Bill who moved to Nevada to be closer to Area 51. I was looking at that MJDHI forum the other day and that fucking bitch Souza needs to get her lesbian ass off the computer and go get fucking laid. I mean she is pure evil. If Karen Faye wasn't already Satan I'm sure Souza could take the position. I mean what fucking retard goes and contacts The Sun newspaper after everything they said about Michael? I'm guessing if a newborn came out it wouldn't contact The Sun. Hell, the afterbirth wouldn't even do it. She's spending so much time pretending to be TS and other people she just aint got time to get laid; whether it was with a man or a woman.
MJHDC: You are saying Souza is not only TS but also other people on her own forum?
Dave: IP addresses man. You have to look at the IP addresses.
MJHDC: How does a homeless person know about IP addresses?
Dave: Susan at the library. She knows all about that shit. She showed me how to hack a PHPBB forum and pull various details off; and the IP address of Souza and a few others are all the same.
MJHDC: Did you print any of this off as evidence?
Dave: Hell no. It's 10 cents a sheet. I'm homeless you know. 10 sheets and I got me a coffee.
MJHDC: Didin't think of that; but couldn't Susan print them for free?
Dave: Nah man she is already on her last warning. See, she was caught downloading MP3 files to her iPod thingy. They nearly fired her on the spot but she got a last chance.
MJHDC: Dave, what do you think about people getting in trouble with their employers when they are on social networking sites in their own time?
Dave: Fuck that. It is just the system trying to control you 24/7. If I was working and had a home to go to and I tweeted that my boss is a dirty fucking asshole that should die a painful death thats my choice and my constitutional right. It would be my time. Just because I was working for a company it does not mean they fucking own me. They only own me for the time they pay me; anything else they keep their fucking noses out of my personal business.
MJHDC: True that. Anyway back to the Michael Jackson hoax. Where do you see it going?
Dave: Nowhere. Sorry but you are all fucking crackers. If you was on the streets the cops would be beating you down each night. Michael is never coming back to this fucking shit. Think about it. Why leave all this bullshit and go somewhere to get away from it all, only to return to all this fucked up bullshit. You'd have to be fucking dumber than that cum guzzling faggot Bumkolo. Even Jesus won't come back to this shit. No fear about Armageddon because Jesus aint coming back to this shit hole Earth.
MJHDC: Kind of a negative view there Dave.
Dave: Well if you take off your rose tinted fucking glasses for a while and take a big old slice of reality you'd think the same way too. Government is 14 trillion dollars in debt. Hell, I got my house repossessed because I owed $25000. Wont be long before Obama and all the other politicians are joining me on skid row. Then I was watching CNN in the Best Buy window and I noticed these fucking retarded Republicans want to cut 20 billion from education. What the fuck? Our education is failing and these fucking idiots want to make it worse. Might as well close the USA down because all the good jobs will be with the Chinese at this rate.
MJHDC: Dave back to the hoax. Did you see anything of the Conrad preliminary hearing today?
Dave: Yeah. He was having breakfast in this little cafe I walk by every day. What was with that fucking tie? Last time I saw anything looking that bad the city scrapped it off the road. I like Murray. Playing his part like a professional. You don't see him on the TV, like that fucker Mel Gibson, trying to prove he is innocent. He's just taking all this in his stride; like it is part of some bigger plan. But how could this guy be nervous and getting ready to go to court and still eat 6 eggs with his breakfast? I'd fucking kill 3 men just to get one egg.
MJHDC: So you think Murray is just a small part in a bigger plan?
Dave: That's what I said. Think about it. The guy is meant to be a doctor and he doesn't even know CPR. Fuck that it has to be a lie. Michelle, who works down the hostel hasn't been out of college for more than a year and she knows CPR. I saw her give her boss CPR. Unlucky guy; to need CPR on his birthday. And Mildred down at the docks says her grandson did CPR on her once so she could still sign the house over.
MJHDC: What about Katherine Jackson. What is her role in all this?
Dave: I really used to like Mrs Jackson but then she went and wrote that book and it kind of ended the fantasies I had about her. I dreamed once that she was tucking me in to bed and she leaned over to kiss me and it got nasty from there until I woke up. I don't know what her role is to be honest. I don't think she knows it is a hoax though. I think Michael would of protected her and his kids as much as possible.
MJHDC: Finally, your thoughts on Jermaine?
Dave: Greasy motherfucker needs to either pay his child support or get his fucking lazy ass untied from his Mommy's apron strings and get some sort of employment. So his musical career is so fucking shit he can't afford child support well get a fucking real job. Two words for Jermaine: You Suck.
MJHDC: Well, Dave thanks for doing this interview.
Dave: When do I get paid?
MJHDC: There is no payment. Just taking your opinion.
Dave: Can I at least stay at your home tonight?
MJHDC: Ummm. No.
Dave: Motherfucker.

Peace.

Cuss Count: Extreme

Legal Notice: The opinion of Homeless Dave may not be nice but it is said with feeling. You have to remember the guy has been living on the streets for the last 14 years. There is no evidence to suggest that Souza is a lesbian - having another woman's saliva on her snatch is not legally definitive proof. This is post is satire; any names or events that mirror real life are purely coincidental.

TIAI = TIAB

ThisIsAlsoIt really is ThisIsAllBullshit. Looking at the redirect list (Thanks LilWendyMJHD for allowing me to point to your list) it seems the rumors that TS is nothing more than some crazy alter-ego from the mind of Souza is true.

There are, on the list, 252 redirects that have spawn from TS/Souza. Of those 252 redirects 121 point to the Nazi headquarters; more commonly known as the MJDHI forum.

So why does TS/TIAI/Souza redirect to MJDHI so much? Because the shit doesn't really exist anywhere else. A lot of the TIAI redirects point to shit created by TS.

Let us have a look at a couple of the redirects that point to MJDHI that actually have nothing to do with TS:

249 (December 28 2010) - Murray’s Lawyers Win Extra Hearing - points to a topic on the MJDHI forum about Murray's lawyers winning an extra hearing. So out of all the fucking places that reported this TS had to point to MJDHI. Why not his good friends (sarcasm) over at TMZ? Why not any one of the hundreds of news sources?

Now some of the cynical among you may say well you can't trust the media, but the first post on that topic is a copy from a media source. So if you cannot trust the media then why quote them?

156 (July 9 2010) - Elvis And MJ Makes Sense - points to a topic on the Nazi headquarters which goes on about the Elvis and MJ shit that Souza started. So if you are following along at home - Souza as TS points to the bullshit theory of a double bam which was dreamed up by Souza. Point to your own shit and hope people believe it. Isn't that a media trick - ram it down people's throats enough and they will believe anything. Hell of the people in the world still believe Michael Jackson was guilty because the media didn't give two shits and give the same coverage to the fact that he was innocent.

And on the subject of forcing things down people's throats - what use is a redirect which points to TS? To give something credibility you suggest another source which agrees with your proposed view. It would be like Conrad Murray going to court and saying to the judge: "Watch this youtube video I made. See I said I was innocent so it has to be true."

There are numerous redirects from TIAB which go to the Nazi headquarters but could of pointed to a more logical place.

This along with the fact that TS did a long post involving screenshots where all the adverts were Dutch; and numerous people suggesting that TS and Souza also type similar.

And some of the more astute among you may remember that the whole Souza vs Mo shit started when Mo attacked TS.

You have to remember that Souza is the fucking retard that contacted The Sun hoping they would do an honest story. So it would appear that it is all about self-promotion.

Just a short post, so all those that claim to be investigating the hoax actually investigate the source of information they receive. And if you don't believe my figures check out the list at LilWndyMJHD's blog.

Peace.

Cuss Count: Low

Legal Notice: None required as the post is merely pointing out facts. Link to LilWendyMJHD Blog.