Easter - The Hoax

Jesus gets tried by Pilate who finds Jesus innocent of all charges. Jesus, for being innocent gets crucified and thrown in a cave for 3 days - well actually 2 as he was gone by Sunday morning.

So, the Romans who basically introduced a legal system to the world allowed an innocent man to be crucified. Hardly seems fair.

But is it all just one big pile of lies?

Pilate, part of the all-conquering Roman Empire, has to give in to a few local religious leaders. Doesn't really sound right. He could of just said "Throw a few of the Jews in with the Christians tonight give the lions a treat." and Jesus would have been away and spreading his happy message.

At the crucifixion there is no mention of Joseph. Alright, we know he was not the biological father of Jesus but he was basically his stepfather. But can he take a day off from cutting wood while his stepson is crucified? No. No mention of him. Maybe he built the crucifix; and was feeling guilty about it and that is why he didn't show up.

You can almost imagine the conversation:

Pilate: Hey Joseph want to build a crucifix?
Joseph: Umm this wouldn't be the one for Jesus would it?
Pilate: Well. Umm. Well. Yes it is. Does that matter?
Joseph: You know he is my stepson right?
Pilate: That is why I came to you. Make sure he gets a good one.
Joseph: You sick bastard.
Pilate: No. Hear me out. I just thought instead of one of those cheap Roman crucifixes you would make a nice one for him.
Joseph: It's Friday.
Pilate: I'll pay for the overtime.
Joseph. Well, seems you put it like that. Economy the way it is I cannot afford to turn down work.
Pilate: Exactly. And if you didn't make it someone else would.
Joseph: No point me giving business to my competitors.
Pilate: OK. Well get on with it I've already washed my hands of the matter.
Joseph: Be right on it governor. Have it there for 11.
Pilate: Good. Don't feel so bad. In years to come this will be great advertising. Joseph - Carpenter To The Messiah.
Joseph: Enough talking I got work to do.
Pilate: So Eleven at the Roman palace.
Joseph: Don't you want me to deliver it to Golgotha?
Pilate: No, Jesus can carry it. I've heard about your delivery charges.
Joseph: You crafty bastard. I like your style.

Anyway back to the crucifixion. It's Friday and the guards want to get off early, so to make the criminals die a bit quicker they decide to break their legs. Jesus hears this and pretends to be dead. Guards think Jesus is dead and save themselves a couple of minutes and decide not to waste time breaking his legs.

Then, lo and behold, some guy never mentioned before asks Pilate if he can have the body. Pilate, not wanting to mess with some crazy psycho who collects dead bodies just agrees.

Then this crazy psycho decides to put Jesus in a cave. But some clever bastard did not want this dead person to escape. Makes you wonder, maybe, just maybe, someone knew it was a sham and that Jesus was really alive. Well just in case he wasn't dead they decided to put a big rock in front of the cave to make sure he didn't escape.

Now, I'm guessing as it was Sunday when it was noticed Jesus had disappeared, faster than Jermaine Jackson when the Child Support payment is due, that the Roman Forensics team had the day off. Because I have a theory how Jesus escaped from the cave.

When he was taken down, and removed, from the cross he somehow managed to palm one of the big nails - nothing any magician who tricked people into thinking water was wine could not do. Thus when he was put in the cave he used that nail to slowly dig a rut to one side of the rock. By Sunday morning he'd dug away enough sand that with just a little motion the rock rolled out of the way; thanks to the rut Jesus had dug.

This is why Christians, who are somehow in the know, celebrate Easter with an egg instead of a rock - because they know it is all lies. And the egg in their mouth stops them from telling what they know. And by Monday nobody is asking anymore.

Peace.

Cuss Count: Zero (It Is Easter)

Legal Notice: There is no record that Pilate and Joseph discussed the crucifixion. This post is meant as an alternative, satirical, look at Easter. No blasphemy is intended or implied. HNN is not affiliated with any news agency, religious organization, or advertising.

Jermaine Tweets Life Not Death

OK I know I'm blocked by the greased wonder but today he tweeted some stuff worth mentioning.

"Mother is also guided by private discussions with Michael. Trust me, a mother knows her son...better than anyone (inc executors)"

So does it mean Michael is alive? It came from Jermaine, who was the only Jackson to deny that Marlon used a Twitter account, so who knows.

But as Katherine Jackson is a Jehovah Witness she doesn't talk to the dead.

Jehovah Witnesses believe that when someone dies "the dead are not conscious of anything they are like in a deep sleep. They can not see or hear or move or talk and that no part of us lives on. So Jehovah's witnesses do not believe in life after death.Until Jehovah through his son Jesus will one day bring this earth back to his original purpose of a paradise, when he will also bring back all those who have died to life in that new paradise earth."

Even the official Jehovah Witness website covers the subject:

False religion has left many confused as to the whereabouts and condition of the dead. Heaven, hell, purgatory, Limbo—these and various other destinations range from being incomprehensible to being downright terrifying. The Bible, on the other hand, tells us that the dead are unconscious; they are in a condition best compared to sleep. (Ecclesiastes 9:5,10; John 11:11-14) Thus, we need not worry about what happens to us after death, any more than we worry when we see someone sleeping soundly. Jesus spoke of a time when "all those in the memorial tombs" would "come out" to renewed life on a paradise earth. (John 5:28, 29; Luke 23:43)

Wikipedia states:

Jehovah's Witnesses believe death is a state of non-existence with no consciousness. There is no Hell of fiery torment; Hades and Sheol are understood to refer to the condition of death, termed the common grave. Jehovah's Witnesses consider the soul to be a life or a living body that can die. Their hope for life after death involves being resurrected by God to a cleansed earth after Armageddon. Watch Tower Society publications teach that humanity is in a sinful state, from which release is only possible by means of Jesus' shed blood as a payment, or atonement, for the sins of humankind.

So if Katherine is truly having "private discussions" with Michael Jackson - there is no way he can be dead.

Peace

Cuss Count: Zero

Legal Notice: I have no religious belief. The opinions in this post are from the official Jehovah Witness website and Wikipedia. Non believers chew on that.

Biggest Hoax In The World

Did Michael Jackson fake his death? Did Elvis fake his death? Is Jim Morrison alive and well? Is Tupac happily living the gangster life somewhere? All these hoaxes and conspiracies pale into insignificance when you look at the biggest hoax ever pulled off - Christianity; more to the point the Bible that Christians use.

Since the beginning of time the Bible has been edited, translated, and rewritten to meet specific ideals. And that dusty old book sat on your bookshelf is not even the full Bible; it is just the bits left that basically don't upset the apple cart of Christianity.

The Bible is left with 66 books; 39 in the Old Testament and 27 in the New Testament. And what you are left with is a nice story from the creation - going through a rough time - Jesus dying for mankind - until Armageddon and being judged and all the good Christians going to Heaven.

The Books are: Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, Joshua, Judges, Ruth, 1 and 2 Samuel, 1 and 2 Kings, 1 and 2 Chronicles, Ezra, Nehemiah, Esther, Job, Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, Song of Solomon, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Lamentations, Ezekiel, Daniel, Hosea, Joel, Amos, Obadiah, Jonah, Micah, Nahum, Habakkuk, Zephaniah, Haggai, Zechariah, Malachi for the Old Testament.

The books are: Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Acts, Romans, 1 and 2 Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, 1 and 2 Thessalonians, 1 and 2 Timothy, Titus, Philemon, Hebrews, James, 1 and 2 Peter, 1, 2 and 3 John, Jude, Revelation for the New Testament.

But head back a few years, well actually many years, to 1884 when the King James Bible still had what is known as the 'Apocryphal Books' in it; they were removed from the King James Version in 1885. These 15 books were 'canonized' back in 1546 at the Council Of Trent. So they spent 339 years as official books of the Bible; and so far only 126 years removed from the Bible. The fifteen books are: Wisdom of Solomon, Ecclesiasticus, Tobit, 1 Esdras, 1 and 2 Maccabees, Judith, Baruch, Letter of Jeremiah, 2 Esdras, Additions to Esther, Prayer of Azariah, Suzanna, Bel & the Dragon, and Prayer of Manasseh.

That is just the beginning. 15 books that were part of the Bible removed by man; which considering all scripture is meant to be inspired by God who gave man the authority to remove it?

Then we have the other so-called "Lost Books" of the Bible. These books are even referenced to in the remaining 66 books.

Book Of Jasher - Joshua 10:13
Book Of The Wars Of The Lord - Numbers 21:14
A Book Of Songs - 1 Kings 8:12-13
Chronicles Of The Kings Of Israel - 1 Kings 14:19
Book Of Shemaiah - 2 Chronicles 9:29
Manner Of The Kingdom - 1 Samuel 10:25
Acts Of Solomon - 1 Kings 11:41
Annals Of King David - 1 Chronicles 27:24
Book Of Samuel The Seer - 1 Chronicles 29:29
Book Of Nathan The Prophet - 2 Chronicles 9:29
Book Of Gad The Seer - 1 Chronicles 29:29
Prophecy Of Ahijah - 2 Chronicles 29:29
Book Of The Kings Of Judah And Israel - 2 Chronicles 16:11
Book Of Jehu - 2 Chronicles 20:34
Story Of The Book Of Kings - 2 Chronicles 24:27
Acts Of Uziah - 2 Chronicles 26:22
Vision Of Isaiah - 2 Chronicles 32:32
Sayings Of The Seers - 2 Chronicles 33:19

Eighteen books referenced in the Bible. The first thing that religious scholars pick at is that these books are not as well written as the standard 66 books of the Bible. But the Bible that all these scholars refer to have been translated from Ancient Hebrew and Greek; and refined time and time again. If these 18 books had been refined as much as the 66 books of the Bible then they would appear just as well written.

So take the books of the Apocrypha and the books referenced in the Bible (by books in the 'standard' 66) and you have 33 more books - which means thanks to man, and various religious organizations, there is the possibility of missing out on one-third of the Bible.

But this all is based on the Bible being a religious book. There is no foundation, other than the Bible itself, that it is nothing more than a work of fiction.

And the 33 new books are just scratching the surface of what exists as possible religious texts.

Adam and Eve get evicted from the Garden of Eden and in the Bible the next mention is they are having children. But the Book of Adam and Eve, considered a lost book, explains in detail Adam and Eve's life right after the Garden of Eden.

And the Bible itself misses a great big chunk of time. The Old Testament ends at approximately 430 BC. And the New Testament starts at approximately 3 BC. Over 400 years missing - is it meant to be believed that nothing happened with regards to the early lives of the god-fearing people. And what happened to Jesus growing up? No mention of it in the Bible. He was born in the stable and all of a sudden he is preaching in the synagogues.

And if you look at all the books that were written at the same time as the Bible which concern events of people in the Bible the list numbers over 500 books. So out of a possible 566 books 66 were chosen by man; and various religions.

So is the Bible inspired by God? Who knows. But what is known is that a lot more happened than is said in the Bible. And of what is written the possibility exists that more than 66 books were inspired by God.

More details can be found at:

The Lost Books - Where most of the texts can be read for FREE online.

Peace.

Cuss Count: None

Legal Notice: No religious blasphemy is intended as this post is merely stating an opinion. This post, and HNN, is not affiliated with any news agency or sponsor.

@Homeless_Dave

It had to happen. Dave Locke, known to millions simply as Homeless Dave, found his way to Twitter. I caught up with Homeless Dave to find out why, and how, he decided to make his way to Twitter.

HNN: Hi Dave.
Dave: Hi.
HNN: You made your way to Twitter. I suppose the first question has to be why?
Dave: Well, I have been reading Twitter now for almost 2 years at the library. But them bastards stop you from signing in so I was never able to create an account. Then the other day I got a Tracfone as part of some government scheme to help the homeless find work. I had it a couple of days then realized I could get on the Internet with it. So I signed up for Twitter.
HNN: I see. So what pearls of wisdom can people who follow you on Twitter expect?
Dave: No pearls of wisdom. Just my life; and how I see things. I noticed a lot of people follow celebrities to see what they have to say; and I thought to myself "fuck that" they can can all follow me and receive a slice of reality pie for their troubles.
HNN: I know you have followed the Michael Jackson hoax death. Will that appear in your time line?
Dave: Its not a hoax. Well it is; but it has been turned into a fucking joke. I look at some of the time lines on Twitter and you have dumbasses tweeting to three different Michael Jacksons. I mean seriously, if you are crazy enough to think you are talking to Michael Jackson on Twitter at least keep it to just one. Some of these people need help. A lot of them remind me of Sheila. She has a one-person cardboard box; but if you talk to her she says there is 20 people living in that box. Crazy cow needs to get out a bit more.
HNN: So you don't think Michael Jackson is on Twitter?
Dave: Is he bollocks. And these people need to stop with the movie clues too. Just because Jim Carrey took a shit in Ace Ventura while wearing a fedora does not make it a clue. Karl and me were watching Stuart Little in Walmart last week and I said to him "White mouse; close enough to a white rabbit. Keep your eyes peeled for hoax clues." He didn't see any - mainly because he is a Meth addict and had passed out after 5 minutes. But not everything is a clue is what I'm trying to say.
HNN: You must think that there are some clues?
Dave: No. I'm on the streets 24/7 except when I'm at the library or stealing at Walmart. Michael Jackson was worth millions, the guy was practically shitting gold bars, he isn't going to fake his death and leave a trail of clues so someone on Twitter can find him. You would have more luck hanging out at the corner of 4th and Roosevelt; and hoping he walks by.
HNN: What do you think of the Jackson family?
Dave: I'll keep it short for you. Katherine, a lovely woman, she could be my Mom any day. Joe; miserable fucker unless he is conning someone out of cash. Tito needs to come down off the roof and meet people. Janet, nice enough, although one of her bodyguards did push me out the way once. The others I could take or leave; except that greasy Jermaine. Ever since June 2009 he has done nothing but try to make money off of the name Michael Jackson.
HNN: Speaking of Jermaine - what do you think about the Marlon Jackson Twitter account?
Dave: To be honest I don't think about it. Marlon has brothers, sisters, nephews, and nieces all over Twitter and the only one to say anything is Jermaine. I got 3 words for him "Fuck off Jermaine" and while he is at it he can pay his child support and treat his wife better. I bet he beat her to make her tweet in agreement with him - too much like his dad.
HNN: Anything else caught your eye on Twitter?
Dave: Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan. Coke head and Skank as they are referred to on the streets. He loses a nice little earner from that show; he looks like he some muscle wasting disease and he is winning? As for Lohan, she has had enough chances. Time to lock her up and throw the fucking key away.
HNN: What is your take on the government nearly shutting down?
Dave: Fire the lot of them. Useless assholes couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery. We owe China trillions. I say they have a vested interest in all of this. Fire Obama and all the other idiots and let China run the country. Either that or give China Texas and call it evens. I know cuts have to be made but theses dumbasses want to cut education. Are they really that fucking stupid? When these politicians are retired, and living that final years in Florida, it will be their fault that someone like Al Bundy will be president.
HNN: Speaking of presidents - what do you think about Donald Trump saying Barack Obama was not born in the United States?
Dave: Who fucking cares where he was born. He was voted in to make change. He just hasn't done that. After 2012 he will be flipping burgers at McDonalds. I don't care if he was born in Kenya, Hawaii, or Canada. He hasn't done fuck all for me. But I'll tell you this for free - if he gets voted in again I'll move to fucking Kenya.
HNN: Now you are on Twitter do you expect to be getting a home soon?
Dave: What the fuck sort of question is that? Just because I put a sentence of 140 characters together does not mean I'll instantly get a home.
HNN: I meant with the Internet and social media finding a job would be easier; and then in turn you could get a house.
Dave: I unplug the pony outside Walmart to charge my Tracfone. If I find a cardboard box with Styrofoam in it I feel like I'm living at the Hilton Hotel. Who the fuck in their right mind is going to employ me?
HNN: Walmart or McDonalds.
Dave: Fuck Walmart. If I wasn't stealing from their store I would never go in there. They hire the mentally handicapped. I was in there once, and asked one of the employees where the restrooms were. Fucker just drooled for 30 seconds and then went into some seizure. I pocketed a couple of things and got the hell out of there.
HNN: Dave; any family that could help you out?
Dave: My parents were killed in the 9/11 attacks. They weren't really but keep that to yourself as I am trying to get a settlement from an insurance company. I have a brother. But he moved to Canada or Cambodia; I'm not sure which.
HNN: But you have friends though?
Dave: There is me, Karl, Pete, and Sheila all live in the same alley. We have a neighborhood watch scheme going on - first one to fall asleep loses anything of value.
HNN: So it is pretty rough on the streets?
Dave: Not really. We just like stealing from each other. Te other night Pete was drinking paint thinner. He passed out and Karl stole all his clothes. Poor bastard woke up covered in snow. We fucking laughed at that.
HNN: Dave, as always, it has been a pleasure.
Dave: Am I getting paid for this?
HNN: No.
Dave: Tight bastard.
HNN: You can finish my coffee.
Dave: Deal.

So if you want to know what is happening with Dave and his homeless neighbors he can be found on Twitter - @Homeless_Dave.

Peace.

Cuss Count: High

Legal Notice: No homeless people were harmed in the production of this post. HNN is not affiliated with, or sponsored by, anyone.

Jermaine Jackson's New Album

Today held at a parking lot was a very small press conference announcing the new album from Jermaine Jackson. The album is entitled "The Unofficial Michael Jackson Tribute".

As there was nothing going on Hoax News Network decided to join the other two press members for this announcement.

Jermaine Jackson, stood on an old milk crate, and made his announcement:

"Today I am releasing this album in memory of my brother; and his legacy.  It is in no way just an opportunity to cash-in on that legacy - that is what my book is for.  I was in the studio for days putting this album together and once they finished autotuning it I was happy with the result. I am not releasing this album on any online source due to the fact that people will download it without paying for it. I got kids to feed - well I'm sure that some of them are my kids. To be honest I'm not sure. Some might be the children of Randy but I am still paying for them; well my mother is. But as I said this album is not about that it is about the legacy of my brother."

Joe Jackson, father of Michael and Jermaine Jackson, had this to say: "Don't be putting me as the father of Jermaine. I hate when the press remind people of that. I am here to support the sales of this album; and it is not because I am getting 33% of all the profits. This album Jermaine actually did all the singing. I played it to his mother and she cried. Strangely enough she stopped crying when I turned it off. People have to realize that if they buy this album Jermaine will be able to pay his child support. I was talking with Katherine last night and she said she has had enough and that is why she is evicting them. Katherine has a big heart and is very polite in her actions. Me, I would of had Randy, Marlon, and Tito go round the house and evict them. You know, go old school with baseball bats and shit and get them out. I don't know how many people even live in that house now. Shit, Katherine is paying for people she don't even know."

I took the moment to ask Jermaine about Marlon's Twitter account. He had this to say: "It is not Marlon. I tweeted that. I know it has been around for 5 months and I am now only mentioning it; and yes there is only me and my wife that is saying it is not Marlon. But I swear it is not Marlon. I don't know why my other brothers haven't said anything against this account."

The album is out now and available via Joe Jackson, as he seems to be hauling all 2,000 copies around in the trunk of his SUV.

Tracks included on the album, all performed by Jermaine, are: It's All About The Benjamins, Money For Nothing, Opportunities (Let's Make Lots Of Money), Take The Money and Run, Gold Digger, and Free Money.

So if you have $3 spare and happen to meet up with Joe Jackson get yourself a copy; if for nothing more than a good laugh.

Peace.

Cuss Count: 2

Legal Notice: This post is satire and as such none of the events took place. Jermaine Jackson is writing a book in reality; which some have said is cashing in. Hoax News Network is not affiliated with a news agency; nor is the views expressed sponsored by anyone.