Easter - The Hoax

Jesus gets tried by Pilate who finds Jesus innocent of all charges. Jesus, for being innocent gets crucified and thrown in a cave for 3 days - well actually 2 as he was gone by Sunday morning.

So, the Romans who basically introduced a legal system to the world allowed an innocent man to be crucified. Hardly seems fair.

But is it all just one big pile of lies?

Pilate, part of the all-conquering Roman Empire, has to give in to a few local religious leaders. Doesn't really sound right. He could of just said "Throw a few of the Jews in with the Christians tonight give the lions a treat." and Jesus would have been away and spreading his happy message.

At the crucifixion there is no mention of Joseph. Alright, we know he was not the biological father of Jesus but he was basically his stepfather. But can he take a day off from cutting wood while his stepson is crucified? No. No mention of him. Maybe he built the crucifix; and was feeling guilty about it and that is why he didn't show up.

You can almost imagine the conversation:

Pilate: Hey Joseph want to build a crucifix?
Joseph: Umm this wouldn't be the one for Jesus would it?
Pilate: Well. Umm. Well. Yes it is. Does that matter?
Joseph: You know he is my stepson right?
Pilate: That is why I came to you. Make sure he gets a good one.
Joseph: You sick bastard.
Pilate: No. Hear me out. I just thought instead of one of those cheap Roman crucifixes you would make a nice one for him.
Joseph: It's Friday.
Pilate: I'll pay for the overtime.
Joseph. Well, seems you put it like that. Economy the way it is I cannot afford to turn down work.
Pilate: Exactly. And if you didn't make it someone else would.
Joseph: No point me giving business to my competitors.
Pilate: OK. Well get on with it I've already washed my hands of the matter.
Joseph: Be right on it governor. Have it there for 11.
Pilate: Good. Don't feel so bad. In years to come this will be great advertising. Joseph - Carpenter To The Messiah.
Joseph: Enough talking I got work to do.
Pilate: So Eleven at the Roman palace.
Joseph: Don't you want me to deliver it to Golgotha?
Pilate: No, Jesus can carry it. I've heard about your delivery charges.
Joseph: You crafty bastard. I like your style.

Anyway back to the crucifixion. It's Friday and the guards want to get off early, so to make the criminals die a bit quicker they decide to break their legs. Jesus hears this and pretends to be dead. Guards think Jesus is dead and save themselves a couple of minutes and decide not to waste time breaking his legs.

Then, lo and behold, some guy never mentioned before asks Pilate if he can have the body. Pilate, not wanting to mess with some crazy psycho who collects dead bodies just agrees.

Then this crazy psycho decides to put Jesus in a cave. But some clever bastard did not want this dead person to escape. Makes you wonder, maybe, just maybe, someone knew it was a sham and that Jesus was really alive. Well just in case he wasn't dead they decided to put a big rock in front of the cave to make sure he didn't escape.

Now, I'm guessing as it was Sunday when it was noticed Jesus had disappeared, faster than Jermaine Jackson when the Child Support payment is due, that the Roman Forensics team had the day off. Because I have a theory how Jesus escaped from the cave.

When he was taken down, and removed, from the cross he somehow managed to palm one of the big nails - nothing any magician who tricked people into thinking water was wine could not do. Thus when he was put in the cave he used that nail to slowly dig a rut to one side of the rock. By Sunday morning he'd dug away enough sand that with just a little motion the rock rolled out of the way; thanks to the rut Jesus had dug.

This is why Christians, who are somehow in the know, celebrate Easter with an egg instead of a rock - because they know it is all lies. And the egg in their mouth stops them from telling what they know. And by Monday nobody is asking anymore.


Cuss Count: Zero (It Is Easter)

Legal Notice: There is no record that Pilate and Joseph discussed the crucifixion. This post is meant as an alternative, satirical, look at Easter. No blasphemy is intended or implied. HNN is not affiliated with any news agency, religious organization, or advertising.


Anonymous said...

You forgot to include the Chocolate Bunny,he was the one who fooled Judas into betraying Jesuzzzzz. The bunny and Judas setup Jesuzzzzz and came up with Easter to cover up the crime.

Anonymous said...

Hi Doggie I love your style of writing! :D

Anonymous said...

You certainly have set yourself up there for a lot of forthcoming proof and evidence to support your hypothesis or to prove your case, haven't you? Until such time, I would say its definitely a great fictional read. Ok, so you're an atheist or at a minimal Non-Christian. I can live with that. I just hope you're right. But what if you're not? Uh oh. Better to error on the side of safety than not. No one said faith in the unknown is easy but there has to be a better life after this sucky one. Otherwise, what's it's purpose? How does one really appreciate Utopia unless you have experienced a taste of hell first?

Dea Carvalho said...

Well, by the time of the crucifixion Joseph was dead for a long time already.
I know I'm annoying...
Oh, btw I love to read you! ;)

HNN said...

Hey Dea, never annoying. It is always good to hear other points of view. And as the Bible, and historical texts, are somewhat 'bastardized' with various translations; it is always good to hear form other sources.

Anonymous said...

The Way You Make Me Feel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Umayn7JIgZ4

AlwaysgoodtoHear said...

Hey HNN, never repeating. It is always good to hear that it is always good to hear and by the way it is always good to hear.

Post a Comment