@Homeless_Dave

It had to happen. Dave Locke, known to millions simply as Homeless Dave, found his way to Twitter. I caught up with Homeless Dave to find out why, and how, he decided to make his way to Twitter.

HNN: Hi Dave.
Dave: Hi.
HNN: You made your way to Twitter. I suppose the first question has to be why?
Dave: Well, I have been reading Twitter now for almost 2 years at the library. But them bastards stop you from signing in so I was never able to create an account. Then the other day I got a Tracfone as part of some government scheme to help the homeless find work. I had it a couple of days then realized I could get on the Internet with it. So I signed up for Twitter.
HNN: I see. So what pearls of wisdom can people who follow you on Twitter expect?
Dave: No pearls of wisdom. Just my life; and how I see things. I noticed a lot of people follow celebrities to see what they have to say; and I thought to myself "fuck that" they can can all follow me and receive a slice of reality pie for their troubles.
HNN: I know you have followed the Michael Jackson hoax death. Will that appear in your time line?
Dave: Its not a hoax. Well it is; but it has been turned into a fucking joke. I look at some of the time lines on Twitter and you have dumbasses tweeting to three different Michael Jacksons. I mean seriously, if you are crazy enough to think you are talking to Michael Jackson on Twitter at least keep it to just one. Some of these people need help. A lot of them remind me of Sheila. She has a one-person cardboard box; but if you talk to her she says there is 20 people living in that box. Crazy cow needs to get out a bit more.
HNN: So you don't think Michael Jackson is on Twitter?
Dave: Is he bollocks. And these people need to stop with the movie clues too. Just because Jim Carrey took a shit in Ace Ventura while wearing a fedora does not make it a clue. Karl and me were watching Stuart Little in Walmart last week and I said to him "White mouse; close enough to a white rabbit. Keep your eyes peeled for hoax clues." He didn't see any - mainly because he is a Meth addict and had passed out after 5 minutes. But not everything is a clue is what I'm trying to say.
HNN: You must think that there are some clues?
Dave: No. I'm on the streets 24/7 except when I'm at the library or stealing at Walmart. Michael Jackson was worth millions, the guy was practically shitting gold bars, he isn't going to fake his death and leave a trail of clues so someone on Twitter can find him. You would have more luck hanging out at the corner of 4th and Roosevelt; and hoping he walks by.
HNN: What do you think of the Jackson family?
Dave: I'll keep it short for you. Katherine, a lovely woman, she could be my Mom any day. Joe; miserable fucker unless he is conning someone out of cash. Tito needs to come down off the roof and meet people. Janet, nice enough, although one of her bodyguards did push me out the way once. The others I could take or leave; except that greasy Jermaine. Ever since June 2009 he has done nothing but try to make money off of the name Michael Jackson.
HNN: Speaking of Jermaine - what do you think about the Marlon Jackson Twitter account?
Dave: To be honest I don't think about it. Marlon has brothers, sisters, nephews, and nieces all over Twitter and the only one to say anything is Jermaine. I got 3 words for him "Fuck off Jermaine" and while he is at it he can pay his child support and treat his wife better. I bet he beat her to make her tweet in agreement with him - too much like his dad.
HNN: Anything else caught your eye on Twitter?
Dave: Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan. Coke head and Skank as they are referred to on the streets. He loses a nice little earner from that show; he looks like he some muscle wasting disease and he is winning? As for Lohan, she has had enough chances. Time to lock her up and throw the fucking key away.
HNN: What is your take on the government nearly shutting down?
Dave: Fire the lot of them. Useless assholes couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery. We owe China trillions. I say they have a vested interest in all of this. Fire Obama and all the other idiots and let China run the country. Either that or give China Texas and call it evens. I know cuts have to be made but theses dumbasses want to cut education. Are they really that fucking stupid? When these politicians are retired, and living that final years in Florida, it will be their fault that someone like Al Bundy will be president.
HNN: Speaking of presidents - what do you think about Donald Trump saying Barack Obama was not born in the United States?
Dave: Who fucking cares where he was born. He was voted in to make change. He just hasn't done that. After 2012 he will be flipping burgers at McDonalds. I don't care if he was born in Kenya, Hawaii, or Canada. He hasn't done fuck all for me. But I'll tell you this for free - if he gets voted in again I'll move to fucking Kenya.
HNN: Now you are on Twitter do you expect to be getting a home soon?
Dave: What the fuck sort of question is that? Just because I put a sentence of 140 characters together does not mean I'll instantly get a home.
HNN: I meant with the Internet and social media finding a job would be easier; and then in turn you could get a house.
Dave: I unplug the pony outside Walmart to charge my Tracfone. If I find a cardboard box with Styrofoam in it I feel like I'm living at the Hilton Hotel. Who the fuck in their right mind is going to employ me?
HNN: Walmart or McDonalds.
Dave: Fuck Walmart. If I wasn't stealing from their store I would never go in there. They hire the mentally handicapped. I was in there once, and asked one of the employees where the restrooms were. Fucker just drooled for 30 seconds and then went into some seizure. I pocketed a couple of things and got the hell out of there.
HNN: Dave; any family that could help you out?
Dave: My parents were killed in the 9/11 attacks. They weren't really but keep that to yourself as I am trying to get a settlement from an insurance company. I have a brother. But he moved to Canada or Cambodia; I'm not sure which.
HNN: But you have friends though?
Dave: There is me, Karl, Pete, and Sheila all live in the same alley. We have a neighborhood watch scheme going on - first one to fall asleep loses anything of value.
HNN: So it is pretty rough on the streets?
Dave: Not really. We just like stealing from each other. Te other night Pete was drinking paint thinner. He passed out and Karl stole all his clothes. Poor bastard woke up covered in snow. We fucking laughed at that.
HNN: Dave, as always, it has been a pleasure.
Dave: Am I getting paid for this?
HNN: No.
Dave: Tight bastard.
HNN: You can finish my coffee.
Dave: Deal.

So if you want to know what is happening with Dave and his homeless neighbors he can be found on Twitter - @Homeless_Dave.

Peace.

Cuss Count: High

Legal Notice: No homeless people were harmed in the production of this post. HNN is not affiliated with, or sponsored by, anyone.