Interview With God

He is supposedly everywhere; yet nailing him down for an interview is harder than nailing his son down. But finally I caught up with God and interviewed the elusive man himself.

HNN: Before we begin God I should let you know I already sold my soul to the devil back in 1990 for a Gary Lineker, World Cup, player card.
God: I wouldn't worry about that. That was me.
HNN: What? So you are Satan; the devil?
God: Hey, I am all-knowing, all-seeing, and always around. I have to fill my time up. I'm awake 24/7. It is like insomnia on crack. I play various parts; including Satan, God, Allah, and Buddha. If you have met one of them you have already met me.
HNN: So you are God, Allah, and Buddha?
God: It keeps things interesting. As God I cover the Western world, as Buddha the Eastern, and as Allah everywhere else. When I make a mistake and God gets the blame I head to the oriental region and listen to the prayers to Buddha. That way I am always loved somewhere.
HNN: Unless you flood the world again.
God: Now hang on. You have the story from one side; Moses. Let me tell you the truth. It just wasn't that bad. It was 40 days and 40 nights - but that is all. Moses, when he wrote it down, had this idea it would have been Noah's vacation time. So he suggested it was the entire world to try and make me feel bad. But no I didn't flood the world completely; just a bit of it.
HNN: So how much of the Bible is true?
God: Not a lot of it. The first 5 books by Moses - complete bullshit most of it. He was always exaggerating. If there was 50 Egyptian soldiers he would write 5,000. Like the whole 'Don't eat the fruit' thing and Adam; Moses was pissed when he wrote that. But me and Adam were laughing our asses off; but grumpy Moses doesn't mention that bit.
HNN: Is there anything else the Bible doesn't mention?
God: Loads. Mary was no virgin let me tell you. All this talk about Jesus being my kid; it does not mention the four other guys it could have been. And if you stand me and Jesus side by side we look nothing like each other. I felt sorry him; so I looked out for him. Adam was forever bitching in my ear "Remember you do have a son - me. You never take me fishing or let me perform miracles." Whiny little bastard. Moses wrote that Adam was evicted from the garden of Eden. That is one big fucking lie. I just had enough and sent him to Child Services; I could not handle the constant questions "What is this called?", "Can I eat this?", and "Where did I come from?" Just got too much to handle.
HNN: Any important bits of the Bible true?
God: John really did have a vision; which he called a revelation. But he was high on LSD. You should read the unedited version; where do you think Disney got the idea for Fantasia? It was all in Revelation before it was edited to make sense. The fight between David and Goliath is true - well almost; Goliath was in fact only 4' 10". The crucifixion was true. I was going to stop it; but like I said he was not my kid so I didn't bother.
HNN: Any words of wisdom with regards to current events?
God: Learn from Japan. I never created nuclear energy. I can fix the problem; but what does mankind learn if I fix everything for them? I had nuclear energy for my heating once. Never ran properly. Know where it is now? It is that place you all call Hell. I went to solar power throughout the place. You know; doing my bit for the environment. I was going to smite Lindsay Lohan the other day. But just as I got ready to do it; I realized she is doing a great job without my help. Chances. She has had chances out of her ass. But does she use them wisely; and to their fullest? Does she hell. Fucking Waster! Reminds me of Jesus turning water to wine. I said to him "Hey stupid you only get 10 miracles. And you waste the first one turning water to wine? What the fuck are you thinking?" I think if it was not for the crucifixion he would of been an alcoholic.
HNN: What is with the circumcision in the Bible?
God: (laughing) That was a fucking joke. Enid said one night "Tell Abraham to cut his foreskin off." I had maybe a couple too many to drink - so I did. I sobered up the next day; I went to tell Abraham I was joking but it was too late. Not only had he done himself he had done a few more. Never did tell him it was a joke.
HNN: Any other jokes?
God: Lazarus. He never died. He just passed out from drinking. Well, his sisters claimed on the insurance. Then when he came round they had already spent it. So the whole 'Jesus waking the dead' story was created. Because the Romans would of jailed all three of them for insurance fraud. It was one of those 'had to be there' moments when the Romans came knocking.
HNN: Was Jesus married?
God: Not the whole Mary Magdalene rumor again. I thought this was over. Look, let me set the record straight once and for all. Jesus did not marry Mary Magdelene; although they did sleep together a couple of times. It is not like I was watching or anything; I'm omni-present, I see everything. And even if Mary Magdalene had kids they would be no relation to me - Jesus was not mine.
HNN: What do you think about Charlie Sheen?
God: Duh. Winning. No, no, seriously that little light is slowly dying out. He made the wrong choices. That is why I am slowly taking everything back until he has nothing. He had his chance and he blew it. He's like Lindsay Lohan but with trousers.
HNN: What is with the Westboro Baptist Church?
God: They are all inbred retards. Look it is one family; the Phelps. All inbred. All fucked in the head. They keep on about God hates this and God hates that. I'll tell you right now there is two things God hates - The Westboro Baptist Church and the Phelps family. I put these inbred hicks in a country where anyone who can sign their own name, or make a mark, can own a gun. I thought it would be over with for them by now. I gave the Phelps family freedom of speech, but I say this to them "Fuck up already. Nobody wants you, nobody likes you, and you are giving me a bad name. Just keep pissing people off; because one day some asshole with a gun is going to go postal and open fire on one of your dumb protests. And if you think the police are going to stop them, or help, remember the military funerals you fucked with. You are living on borrowed time."
HNN: Any chance of this weeks winning lottery numbers?
God: Do I look like some carnival freak mystic?
HNN: You don't know them.
God: Yes I do. 2, 9, 14, 22, and 28.
HNN: Thanks.
God: Shit! Caught out again.
HNN: So when is Armageddon?
God: Read the Bible. It says "No man knoweth the day or the hour." Actually that was put in because I couldn't decide on a date. Originally a date was meant to be put in there. But by the time it went to press I still had not decided. So it was left as a guessing game really. Who knows tomorrow I might just say fuck it and have Armageddon.
HNN: Anything that should have been in the Bible but wasn't?
God: Only a couple of people know this. Before Adam there was Aaron. Well, I made him before the garden of Eden. To cut a long story short I didn't see him when I made that tree which was why I was keeping Adam and Eve away from it. Aaron is buried underneath it. Was never sure how to break it to Adam his older brother was under the tree; so I didn't. Then I had Moses just forget to put that bit in the Bible. Another thing not in the Bible - my wife; Mrs God. You really think I created all of this? Clearly you can see a woman's touch around the place. But she did not want to take credit; and like she said at the time I did most of the work.
HNN: So there is a Mrs God?
God: Of Course. You don't believe that whole 'Adam from the ground' shit do you? Wait until I tell Enid that one. She will laugh; she always does. I remember once we were in the garden of Eden and Adam was still young. Well Enid, Mrs God, picked up a handful of soil and threw it at Adam and said "Here, play with your new brother." I about pissed myself that day.
HNN: Mrs God likes a good joke also then?
God: Oh yes. Never one to miss a joke my Enid. Jonah and the whale - that was her idea. I was suggesting a pig or a cow and Enid said "Let the bastard be eaten by a whale." Well we both burst out laughing. But that is what it ended up as. I'll do anything for my Enid. Well I'm needed in China so I better go. Someone is praying to Buddha and if I'm not there Enid, bless her, will take a message. And she is forever getting them wrong. How do think Justin Bieber got a career? Anyway I am out of here.
HNN: One last question. Do you really answer prayers?
God: Yeah. If your prayer is pulled out of the hat. I try to pick a few a day so people remember I am about. Just luck of the draw. Does not matter if you ask for world peace or a new sports car. You have the same chance.

Well, there you have it. God as only God can be.

Peace.

Cuss Count: Not Too Bad

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