Jermaine Speaks Again

In a telephone interview I was given the opportunity to speak to Jermaine Jackson. What follows is the transcript of that telephone call:

Jermaine: Hello, Michael Jackson Tributes LLC.
HNN: Is this Jermaine Jackson?
Jermaine: Yes it is. I'm fully booked solid until March.
HNN: Hoax News Network for a telephone interview.
Jermaine: Oh yes. I thought it was a business call.
HNN: No. Not really. So let us get straight to it. What happened in Africa?
Jermaine: Just a misunderstanding.
HNN: Passport expires and it cannot be renewed because of Child Support payments that are not paid. A bit more than a misunderstanding.
Jermaine: Well it was a misunderstanding. I thought I had paid them.
HNN: So why file to have the Child Support payments reduced if you thought you had paid them?
Jermaine: The tribute business is not what it used to be. So many Michael Jackson impersonators it is hard to make a living.
HNN: But you said you were booked solid until March?
Jermaine: I just say that to try and make it look like I am busy.
HNN: So how busy are you really?
Jermaine: Obviously not that busy; I'm doing a phone interview for a blog. It has been real slow. You do one tribute and nobody wants to hear from you again.
HNN: Have you considered 'rebooting' your solo career?
Jermaine: Thought about it a lot. Actually I mentioned it to my Mom the other day. All she did was laugh.
HNN: So she is not supporting you?
Jermaine: Yes. She pays all my bills. If it wasn't for her I would be homeless.
HNN: Ever thought of getting a real job?
Jermaine: I did. I looked into a couple of things.
HNN: And they were?
Jermaine: McDonalds and Burger King.
HNN: No luck?
Jermaine: McDonalds said they were not hiring; so it was a no go there. Burger King were not hiring either; but they were looking for a new grease supplier - so that might pan out.
HNN: Yeah. Anything is better than nothing.
Jermaine: I've been trying. I set up a car wash at the stop light. It was OK for a couple of days. Then my Dad, Joe, found out and said it was his corner and I was interfering with his fine ladies' business. Said if I wanted to stay I would have to give him 50% of everything. It just was not worth it.
HNN: So. To the hoax. Airport and hospital - why did you make that slip?
Jermaine: Oh come on. Everyone does it. Like the other day when I was talking to my Mom. She said I was worthless; I know she meant talented. You see it was all just a mistake. You say tomato I say tomato. You say hospital I say airport.
HNN: You say Jermaine and I say stupidity.
Jermaine: (clapping is heard) See, now you are getting it.
HNN: No. Not really. Going back to June 25, 2009 how come you made the announcement of Michael's death and not a doctor?
Jermaine: Well there was some confusion. The hospital thought Dr Murray would announce it but he had left to get something to eat, So, I was there and thought 'what the hell' I'll do it. I honestly thought they would pay me. Although I did get a free t-shirt, but it was covered in blood so I gave it to Latoya to get cleaned. Come to think of it she never did get it back to me. Brand new it was; even had the price tag on it still.
HNN: And why was Tohme Tohme hanging around like a bad smell?
Jermaine: Tohme was there for support.
HNN: Your own family were there for support.
Jermaine: They do not really like me. It is like when we were kids; everyone else would travel on a tour bus and I would have to travel on a Greyhound bus.
HNN: Lt us be honest here Jermaine. Your family is pretty fucked up as far as support goes.
Jermaine: No. We all support each other.
HNN: So you support your brothers and sisters solo careers?
Jermaine: Yes definitely. Although I have not actually purchased any of it; although I did record Jackie's song off the radio. And I do intend to download Janet's album. Tito got me an iTunes gift card for Christmas but I do not have an iPod; I sold it to Tito for $20.
HNN: Might want to sell Tito the gift card too.
Jermaine: No. I will ask Santa for an iPod at Christmas.
HNN: Santa? What will Allah think?
Jermaine: Who?
HNN: Allah. You are a Muslim.
Jermaine: Oh. Oh yes. But not at Christmas; I just take the day off. Mom does the same thing with her Jehovah Witness beliefs too. Man does she fly into a rage if she does not get no presents.
HNN: Talking of your Mom what do you think about her book?
Jermaine: I have not read it. I looked at the pictures. There was some really difficult words though.
HNN: Do you think your Mom is cashing in?
Jermaine: Maybe just a little but it is OK she is a Jackson; and she pays my bills.
HNN: Michael's death - a hoax or not?
Jermaine: I do not know. I asked him that last week and he just laughed at me.
HNN: Well that kind of answers it if you spoke to him last week.
Jermaine: Forget I said that.
HNN: I can't. Sorry.
Jermaine: But I am not meant to tell anyone.
HNN: Well you just did.
Jermaine: Oh boy is he going to be mad with me again.
HNN: Most likely. So, Jermaine any thoughts on Bahrain and Egypt?
Jermaine: I do not like sand it sticks to my hair.
HNN: I actually meant ... never mind. Anything you want to say?
Jermaine: I am available for tributes just dial 1-800-TRIBUTE. If a woman answers just ask for ...

I hung up at that point.

Peace.

Cuss Count: Very Low

Legal Notice: This telephone conversation did not take place. This post is merely satire. HNN is not affiliated with any news agency; seriously if you think there is a connection between this and CNN turn your computer off now and seek help.