Homeless Dave Speaks

He's become a sensation amongst Twitter users the world over; now the man known only as "Homeless Dave" speaks about the Michael Jackson hoax death.

Following is the full unedited transcript of the interview with "Homeless Dave":

MJHDC: So Dave, you have a last name?
Dave: Dave is fine, Homeless Dave if you want to be formal about things, but no last name. I aint going to let the man know. I don't want to be in no government computer. That is how they get you.
MJHDC: Who gets you?
Dave: The government man; the bastards trying to keep us down.
MJHDC: You could get government help to get a house you know.
Dave: Then the man knows where you live. You could be sleeping at night and all of a sudden the man is in your bedroom with a gun to your head telling you who to vote for.
MJHDC: I Think you'd be pretty safe Dave.
Dave: That is what they want you to think. That is when they know you are no longer a risk; because you trust them. Then they have you.
MJHDC: So, Dave, anything you want to say about the Michael Jackson hoax death?
Dave: Yeah, don't trust the Jacksons.
MJHDC: What?
Dave: I was resting in this doorway once and I looked up and saw Tito Jackson coming out of Taco Bell. Well, I figured this little pepper pot has some money he can spare a taco to get me through the night. I went over and held my hat out and said "Mr Jackson can you help a man down on his luck please?" Fucker took my hat; no thanks or nothing. Just got in his car with my hat. As he drove off I shouted "Tito, you cunt, Michael was the only talented one; you and your fucking brothers couldn't carry a tune in a bucket."
MJHDC: So, your whole hatred of the Jackson family is because Tito stole your hat?
Dave: It wasn't just a hat. It was a friend. I'd had that hat for 14 years. I'd even named it George; after George Foreman. I called it that because it was a flat cap and George Foreman had a flat face where he'd been punched so much; also it looked like it had been in one of his grills - the hat not George Foreman's face.
MJHDC: Met any other Jackson family members?
Dave: I've met a couple of them. I met Joe Jackson one night outside this nightclub. I went over and said "Excuse me Mr Jackson spare some change?" Well Joe was great about it. He gave me $5 and cup of coffee. He even signed my hat which Tito fucking stole.
MJHDC: Dave just let the hat go.
Dave: I have. I have a new one. Well, new to me. I call it Arnie, after Arnie Klein, because when I found it the thing was full of shit and looked a bit gay.
MJHDC: A hat named Arnie; I don't know what to say to that. So you say you met a couple of the Jackson family; who was the other one?
Dave: I met Michael Jackson. It was last year. I know some people think he is dead and all that shit but I swear, as God is my witness, it was Michael. He came over to me and asked me how long I had been on the streets and then gave me a hug and $10. I told him Joe had given me $5 once and he just smiled and said that his Dad was tight with his money even though he gets most of it from his Mom.
MJHDC: You saw Michael in 2010 and didn't bother to mention it until now?
Dave: Well I told a couple of people, Clara and Mildred who sleep down by the docks, and they just laughed and told me to stop drinking paint thinner. I tried to convince them it was Michael Jackson; but they had me second guessing myself. And when I awoke the next morning I decided it might be better to not mention it.
MJHDC: How was Michael dressed?
Dave: Regular street clothes. Jeans, t-shirt, and a jacket. If you passed him on the street you might not even recognize him. Not that he doesn't look like Michael but you just don't expect to see him. After all the bullshit media is pushing it that he is dead.
MJHDC: Do you think he is dead?
Dave: No. Not only have I seen Michael I have looked at some of the forums in the public library. Too many things don't add up - hell even that fucking TS couldn't get them to add up.
MJHDC: You read the Michael Jackson hoax forums. What do you think of them?
Dave: Some are OK. Some are good. But some are just more out there than old Bill who moved to Nevada to be closer to Area 51. I was looking at that MJDHI forum the other day and that fucking bitch Souza needs to get her lesbian ass off the computer and go get fucking laid. I mean she is pure evil. If Karen Faye wasn't already Satan I'm sure Souza could take the position. I mean what fucking retard goes and contacts The Sun newspaper after everything they said about Michael? I'm guessing if a newborn came out it wouldn't contact The Sun. Hell, the afterbirth wouldn't even do it. She's spending so much time pretending to be TS and other people she just aint got time to get laid; whether it was with a man or a woman.
MJHDC: You are saying Souza is not only TS but also other people on her own forum?
Dave: IP addresses man. You have to look at the IP addresses.
MJHDC: How does a homeless person know about IP addresses?
Dave: Susan at the library. She knows all about that shit. She showed me how to hack a PHPBB forum and pull various details off; and the IP address of Souza and a few others are all the same.
MJHDC: Did you print any of this off as evidence?
Dave: Hell no. It's 10 cents a sheet. I'm homeless you know. 10 sheets and I got me a coffee.
MJHDC: Didin't think of that; but couldn't Susan print them for free?
Dave: Nah man she is already on her last warning. See, she was caught downloading MP3 files to her iPod thingy. They nearly fired her on the spot but she got a last chance.
MJHDC: Dave, what do you think about people getting in trouble with their employers when they are on social networking sites in their own time?
Dave: Fuck that. It is just the system trying to control you 24/7. If I was working and had a home to go to and I tweeted that my boss is a dirty fucking asshole that should die a painful death thats my choice and my constitutional right. It would be my time. Just because I was working for a company it does not mean they fucking own me. They only own me for the time they pay me; anything else they keep their fucking noses out of my personal business.
MJHDC: True that. Anyway back to the Michael Jackson hoax. Where do you see it going?
Dave: Nowhere. Sorry but you are all fucking crackers. If you was on the streets the cops would be beating you down each night. Michael is never coming back to this fucking shit. Think about it. Why leave all this bullshit and go somewhere to get away from it all, only to return to all this fucked up bullshit. You'd have to be fucking dumber than that cum guzzling faggot Bumkolo. Even Jesus won't come back to this shit. No fear about Armageddon because Jesus aint coming back to this shit hole Earth.
MJHDC: Kind of a negative view there Dave.
Dave: Well if you take off your rose tinted fucking glasses for a while and take a big old slice of reality you'd think the same way too. Government is 14 trillion dollars in debt. Hell, I got my house repossessed because I owed $25000. Wont be long before Obama and all the other politicians are joining me on skid row. Then I was watching CNN in the Best Buy window and I noticed these fucking retarded Republicans want to cut 20 billion from education. What the fuck? Our education is failing and these fucking idiots want to make it worse. Might as well close the USA down because all the good jobs will be with the Chinese at this rate.
MJHDC: Dave back to the hoax. Did you see anything of the Conrad preliminary hearing today?
Dave: Yeah. He was having breakfast in this little cafe I walk by every day. What was with that fucking tie? Last time I saw anything looking that bad the city scrapped it off the road. I like Murray. Playing his part like a professional. You don't see him on the TV, like that fucker Mel Gibson, trying to prove he is innocent. He's just taking all this in his stride; like it is part of some bigger plan. But how could this guy be nervous and getting ready to go to court and still eat 6 eggs with his breakfast? I'd fucking kill 3 men just to get one egg.
MJHDC: So you think Murray is just a small part in a bigger plan?
Dave: That's what I said. Think about it. The guy is meant to be a doctor and he doesn't even know CPR. Fuck that it has to be a lie. Michelle, who works down the hostel hasn't been out of college for more than a year and she knows CPR. I saw her give her boss CPR. Unlucky guy; to need CPR on his birthday. And Mildred down at the docks says her grandson did CPR on her once so she could still sign the house over.
MJHDC: What about Katherine Jackson. What is her role in all this?
Dave: I really used to like Mrs Jackson but then she went and wrote that book and it kind of ended the fantasies I had about her. I dreamed once that she was tucking me in to bed and she leaned over to kiss me and it got nasty from there until I woke up. I don't know what her role is to be honest. I don't think she knows it is a hoax though. I think Michael would of protected her and his kids as much as possible.
MJHDC: Finally, your thoughts on Jermaine?
Dave: Greasy motherfucker needs to either pay his child support or get his fucking lazy ass untied from his Mommy's apron strings and get some sort of employment. So his musical career is so fucking shit he can't afford child support well get a fucking real job. Two words for Jermaine: You Suck.
MJHDC: Well, Dave thanks for doing this interview.
Dave: When do I get paid?
MJHDC: There is no payment. Just taking your opinion.
Dave: Can I at least stay at your home tonight?
MJHDC: Ummm. No.
Dave: Motherfucker.

Peace.

Cuss Count: Extreme

Legal Notice: The opinion of Homeless Dave may not be nice but it is said with feeling. You have to remember the guy has been living on the streets for the last 14 years. There is no evidence to suggest that Souza is a lesbian - having another woman's saliva on her snatch is not legally definitive proof. This is post is satire; any names or events that mirror real life are purely coincidental.