Christmas Is Coming

Tis the season to be jolly. And as usual the Jackson family are taking the opportunity to cash in on the holiday season. In association with QVC a selection of Jackson family inspired gifts will be making their way to many a hoaxers stocking this Christmas.

Buy them for yourself, family, and friends.

Jermaine Shoe Polish

Never worry about being caught in a tornado again. With Jermaine Shoe Polish your hair will withstand the onslaught of a force 5 tornado. This product has been thoroughly tested by Jermaine himself; and even made a brief appearance on TV in the UK Big Brother show. This 12oz tin can be yours for just $19.99.

Tito Clock

It's Tito time! And now thanks to the good people at ACME products it will always be Tito Time. Featuring Tito's trademark hat on the hands and the phrase "TITO TIME" on the face; you'll never miss another taco dinner again. This handmade clock can be yours for just $15.99.

Randy Candy

First there was Whoppers and then came Randys. The malted milk flavor you have come to love but each chocolate ball has been specially imprinted with Randy Jackson's face. Your friends will chuckle at first; but they are guaranteed to be the talking point of any party. Your guests will leave saying they have had Randy Jackson's balls in their mouth. This delightful candy treat can be yours for just $7.99.

Where's Michael?

The Big Book Of Where's Michael. Created, and authored, by Joe Jackson; and published by Harpo Publishing. This 77 page book will keep hoaxers and Michael Jackson fans alike enthralled for hours as they scour each page looking for Michael Jackson. Proceeds from the sale of this book will go to charity (Joe Jackson Legal Fund). This large book can be yours for the low low price of just $29.99.

Marlon Fence Panels

Show your opinion on any subject with the Marlon Jackson fence panels. These hand-crafted panels will show that you have no opinion on anything. If people ask if you are a believer or not you will be able to simply point at your luxurious fence. Each panel is 8' long by 6' high and produced in China. *SPECIAL OFFER* Buy 6 panels and get the 7th panel free. These panels can be yours for the great price of $58.99 each.

Joe Jackson Pimp Kit

You have seen him on TV. You have seen him in the magazines. Now you too can be Joe Jackson. This pimp kit has been designed with Joe Jackson's full support. Each kit includes: gold-plated chain, gold-plated and cubic zircon grill, a wooden cane with pewter handle, and a full 48oz pack of purple material dye. Once this kit is in your hand you will be able to leave the home in style; and be your local neighborhood pimp. This kit is for the man about town; and can be yours for just $79.99.

QVC spokesperson, Marvin Segel, said: "We have been working with the Jackson family on this line of gifts and expect to put a 2 hour show out later this month to highlight these quality products. These products are aimed at Michael Jackson fans and the hoaxers that are investigating the hoax theory that Michael Jackson is still alive; but they would make a wonderful gift for absolutely anyone."

Joe Jackson, who is heading this latest marketing campaign said to reporters: "Come on, we got to make money. Hell, Jermaine can't keep his pecker in his pants and Katherine is getting pretty tight about money. I think it is to do with her book not selling; we have 200,000 copies taking up my parking space in the garage at Encino. We have to be honest here, without my golden egg, Michael, this family hasn't got the talent to make a living so we need to bring money in somehow."

QVC has said although the schedule is not confirmed they expect the 2 hour special to air on November 25, 2010; with guaranteed Christmas delivery for all those that order while the show airs.


Cuss Count: Zero

Legal Notice: QVC and the Jackson family have nothing to do with these fictional products. Marvin Segel was a QVC spokesperson at some time according to Google but may have moved on by now. This post, as always, is satire. The cuss count was kept to zero because Nazis and fucktards were not mentioned in the post.


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Thanks for your post! Great as usual. But I will not ask Santa Claus for those gifts to for Christmas. Lol

Anonymous said...

I do wanna buy "Tito Time". It's soooooo cute!
For Jermaine's shoe polish... I remind an episode I watched in my chldhood that Donald Duck once visited an automation service factory or studio and tasted the auto shoe polishing and hairdressing machine. the machine binded him head over heels and polished his duck bill by black shoe polish, then treated his ass hair very professional, after all, it made a cute curl on the top of his hair!!! This final action killed me! I was literally laughing from my chair to the ground and just coundn't stop myself!!! My chest was so pain after I finished laugh.....
Poor Jermaine...

Anonymous said...

Hahhaahhaha... Marlon Fence Panels cracked me up! I want them!!!

Anonymous said...


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