Conrad Murray's New Book

At a crowded press conference, sponsored by Barnes & Noble and AstraZeneca, held in downtown Los Angeles, Conrad Murray signed, and publicized his new book entitled "How I Killed Michael Jackson".

Although the publishers of the book, Random House Inc, were quick to point out that the book is a work of fiction and not based on fact or any events which may seem similar.

Speaking for Random House Inc. Stuart Applebaum had this to say: "We have worked with Conrad heavily on this book to ensure that it does not in any way, shape, or form, look like Conrad Murray is actually admitting guilt. The book is a work of fiction, which by it's very definition means that it is a literary work based on the imagination and not necessarily on fact. Random House are in no way trying to decide the fate of Conrad Murray."

Conrad Murray, who appeared to be a bit worse for wear from alcohol consumption, had this to say: "Everyone is writing books about Michael Jackson so why not me? I got kids to pay for, legal bills, and I have a large tab at the Club Paradise strip club. This book doesn't mean I am guilty at all, it is just if I did do it this is how I would have done it. Hell, OJ Simpson wrote a book called If I Did It and that sold loads of copies. I'm just trying to get my slice of the pie. I have had just about enough of all these Justice4MJ people standing outside court insulting me as I enter and leave. This is basically saying shut the hell up and leave me alone. I don't stand outside their house shouting insults at them every time they come and go; so they should be paying me the same courtesy."

The family of Michael Jackson are outraged at the book and have so far refused to comment. Although Joe Jackson, father of Michael Jackson, did release a statement:

"The family as a whole are outraged by this book. Nobody in their right mind would even think of writing such a book while a criminal trial is taking place. But on the other hand I see it from Conrad's point of view too - a brother has got to make money. The man has got bills just like the rest of us and he has to pay those bills. We have all done something we are not proud of to make sure there is food on the plate. I remember one time, back in Indiana, we was poor and Michael wasn't the golden egg yet, I had to pimp Katherine out. Oh you should have seen those drunk sailors lining up trying to convert her away from Jehovah. Man, that was a sight."

Abigail Baron, spokesperson for AstraZeneca, said: "As one of the leading pharmaceutical companies in the world we cannot condone what this book says about medications. Basically it says pump someone full of our product and they will die. But at the same time any publicity is good publicity for our product."

One of the chilling paragraphs in the book reads:

"I went into the room and saw Michael dying. I decided to call a few people. I spoke to the pastor of my church and he reminded me that I should update my Facebook status. As I put the phone down I looked down at the bed, noting to myself how soft and comfy it looked, and I thought if I ever do CPR I could really mess it up by doing it on the bed. As I stood watching Michael slowly slip away, a bodyguard entered the room and started dialing 911. I had to stall him, I couldn't let my weeks of planning go to waste. I told the bodyguard to tell the 911 operator I was a doctor - he didn't know that I was actually a vet."

The book is expected to have an international release in time for Christmas; although no date has been fixed as of yet.


Cuss Count: None

Legal Notice: This book does not exist, and most likely never will exist. Barnes & Noble, AstraZeneca, Conrad Murray, The Jackson Family, Joe Jackson and the Club Paradise Strip Club have nothing to do with this non-existent book. This post is merely satire, possibly in poor taste, but still satire. And on the plus side it doesn't mention Nazi lesbians, gay clowns, the number 7, or the Illuminati.


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