How To Be Michael Jackson

You woke up this morning and decided you want to be Michael Jackson. Well, good news for you my friend - it truly doesn't matter if you are black or white. Thanks to the Internet anyone can be Michael Jackson. Lets be honest it doesn't matter if you are black, white, male, female, or an alien from another planet; it is the Internet.

But before everyone jumps up and down shouting "I'm going to be Michael Jackson" there are a few things you'll need. Some of them are required and some of them are optional. It all depends on how far you want to take it.

An Internet connection. Doesn't matter if it is yours, your neighbors, or McDonalds. Hell it doesn't even matter if you are still using dial-up. Without an Internet connection you'll actually have to turn up in person; and you will be spotted as a fake instantly. Unless you have a great excuse as to why Michael Jackson is now 350 lbs, female, and living in a basement.

An email account. Be sure to pick an address that will work for your plan; and just screams Michael Jackson. Such as IAmMichaelJoe@gmail.com or NoReallyIAmMJ@yahoo.com. The possibilities are almost limitless. Remember be as creative as possible here; after all you are Michael Jackson. If all the addresses you can think of have gone, don't give up, just add three 7s at the end: IAmMichaelJacksonNoReallyIAm777@gmail.com or TheSingleGlovedOne777@hotmail.com. Important Note: Always use this email. Never accidentally use your own personal email address; because Michael Jackson just would not email from Basement.Dweller@att.com. He Just wouldn't.

A Twitter, Facebook, TinyChat, and Skype account. Don't worry about MySpace; there are 5 people still using it which is not a big enough audience for 'Michael Jackson'.

A Purpose. You don't want to waste your time just being Michael Jackson; and just tweeting about nothing. Remember you are Michael Jackson. You have to have a purpose. But don't get all sad, and depressed, you don't have to think too hard. You could be spreading love, the truth, giving clues, or just doing psychic readings for your fans that are willing to divulge more information than they should.

A jeweled glove, fedora hat, and white socks. These are totally optional as you'll never be seen; but they will help you stay in character. Now, if you want to go with a 'Bad era' Michael Jackson look that is totally up to you; but if your Michael Jackson is popular you could spend hours each day sat in tight-fitting leather trousers. The choice is yours.

A basic knowledge of Michael Jackson. Don't worry if you know nothing about him; Google is your friend at this point. And if you want to say something as Michael Jackson, that is wrong, mention the version in the media and news is lies. Just be careful what you choose to lie about. Tweeting "I really wish Jermaine had done the vocals on Earth Song." will instantly have you rejected as yet another fake Michael Jackson.

So armed with your new identity you are ready to reveal Michael Jackson to the world. You are ready to join the other Michael Jacksons; and rise to the top. You are ready to be the best fake Michael Jackson you can be. Soon hundreds, if not thousands, will be following your every word. Well done Mr. Jackson!

But oh no. Hundreds of other fake Michael Jacksons are already there. They have the backing of 'investigative journalists' like Pearl Jr. You feel queasy. You don't have it in you to compete. You got your Mom's basement set up just the way you like it. Tears run down your cheeks because it was all for nothing.

Fear not. The world may not be ready for another Michael Jackson you don't have to give up on your dreams.

Dry those tears. Shake off the disappointment. Because today your dreams change. You are going to be an informer.

That is it. Smile. Be happy. So you didn't make it as Michael Jackson. Not to worry. You are now one of Michael Jackson's closest friends; ready to reveal information on behalf of Michael Jackson. Fame is at your fingertips.

Now I already know what you are thinking. You are thinking "But Doggie I couldn't make it as Michael how can I make it as an informer?' Fret not. Look at other informers. They know nothing. They lead people on a path through some mindless drivel and never give a clear answer. And if you say something which is later proven wrong you can use the old chestnut excuse of "Plans were changed at the last minute." They will fall for that time and time again.

So, hang up your bedazzled glove. Put the fedora hat back in the closet. You are now a Michael Jackson informer.

First thing first. Forget about typing normally that is for normal people. You must be cryptic so that if anything goes wrong you can blame others for misinterpreting it. It is never your fault.

Be aware that certain informers in the past have done things that you should try and avoid copying:

JokeCalmsChina - Anagrams
TS - Numerology

Both have been done and been debunked. The anagrams were flawed in their answers. The numerology was flawed in that constant variables were changed so that calculations could equal something it otherwise would not.

As a fake informer you need to be original. You need to stand out from the crowd of the other fake informers. Spending a bit of time here will reap the benefits later.

You are ready. Join a forum, start giving your own version of information, wait for the people to follow your every word. You put the work in - now bask in the glory.

Legal Notice: Pretending to Michael Jackson, or an informer, is not illegal as long as it is not done to make money or mislead people in a harmful way. It is, however, very sad and shows signs of deeper psychological problems; but it is not illegal as long as you don't cash in or harm people. This guide is merely an introduction into the stupidity of pretending to be Michael Jackson; or an informer. If you really feel the need to go this route it might be an ideal time to evaluate your life; see what is lacking so badly that you have to fill the space with being a fake Michael Jackson; or informer.

Legal Notice 2: For all the retarded assholes from MJDHI that are going to bitch, whine, and snivel that the calculations of TS have not been debunked; which is why the $999 was never paid - READ, INVESTIGATE, & ASK. Any mathematician, or scientist, will tell you that for a numerical formula (especially those involving dates) to hold up to scrutiny, and prove itself to be correct, it must remain constant. Using 2-digit and 4-digit years for calculations is not constant. Lets look at the date of death; June 25, 2009:

06 + 25 + 09 = 40
06 + 25 + 2009 = 42
06 + 25 + 2009 = 2040
0 + 6 + 2 + 5 + 0 + 9 = 22
0 + 6 + 2 + 5 + 2 + 0 + 0 + 9 = 24

Four different answers from one date; merely using addition. Therefore the numerology is debunked because certain calculations of TS use 2-digit years; and others 4-digit years. Instead of paying me the $999 donate it to the ASPCA.

Legal Notice 3: The 'guide' to being Michael Jackson, or an informer, does not merely poke fun at the various basement dwellers that do this. It also pokes fun at those that are deluded they will grasp at anything. But then there are also those that seem to be doing it purely for financial gain - these can be spotted by their constant advertising and plagiarism of others work.


Anonymous said...

Touche Doggie! I might add if you are being MJ and English is not your first language really watch your grammar, mistakes need to be American slang, not nonEnglish. And for all wannabes- hate and/ or disparaging comments re Katherine Jackson out you as a fake immediately, no really ,it does. But heh, party on, I personally enjoy watching the fantasy parade, quite entertaining to watch you rise, fall and sometimes tear each other's throats out

Bec's alter ego said...

Thanks mate!

Watchin' the madness said...

You forgot something, Doggy. Posting music software loops. It doesn't matter it's an offence brought to Michael's music because they won't be able to figure it out anyway. They are not fans after all, just a bunch of maniacs who found the perfect environment to adapt in. I think Michael's death has been the greatest thing that ever happened to them.

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