Secret Shopper

Well some have been wondering where I have been; and asking questions about what I have been up to. Well, I am Michael Jackson. Nah, I am just kidding you; but I have started wearing various disguises when I am in public working.

I'm getting ahead of myself slightly here. About two weeks ago I answered an advert looking for people to go shopping and get paid for it. I thought to myself 'Hey I can shoplift a piece of cake - so actually paying for it with someone else's money should be even easier'.

I called the number on the advert even thought the newspaper was 3 days old and the following day met with a gentleman called Chris. He explained the job and said their main customer was Walmart. So I told him I had been successfully shoplifting at Walmart for the last 3 years and had only been caught the once - which was now completely finished with.

He admired my honesty and informed me I had the job. I'll be honest with you I was as happy as a pig in shit. He handed me a bag and said that was so the workers would not recognize me. I looked inside and there were various pairs of glasses, a couple of false beards, and some other bits and pieces.

Chris said he would call me in a couple of days with my first job; and that I would be paid $150 for the day. Forget the pig I was happier than a whole herd of pigs in shit.

Chris was as good as his word and called me two days later with a list of things to do while I was in the store:

• Ask an employee where the bleach is while in the automotive section; and see if they just point or actually take me there.
• Ask an employee at Customer Services what their return policy is and specifically ask about underwear.
• Buy 25 items and make sure they are big and bulky. See if an employee will offer to assist in taking the things out.
• See if the 'greeter' employee offers you a sticker and welcomes you.

Nothing too difficult I thought. I asked him how I was meant to pay for the products and he said to pop in to the office and see Sharon for some cash which must be accounted for by the receipt. So I did just that.

Happy to be working I walked in to Walmart. That is where things started going wrong.

Firstly the greeter did not greet me as he was talking to an old army buddy. When I interrupted and said "Hello" he just replied "What the fuck do you want?" When I told him I was there to do some shopping he pushed me away from him and said "Well don't let me hold you up or the short bus will leave without you." I then asked if I could have a sticker and he gave me the whole roll and said "I have been laid off. I finish at the end of the week. Shove them up your ass for all I care."

Not a good start after all. But I was still optimistic that things would get better. So I made my way to the automotive section.

Sad to say but things did not get better.

I asked an employee named Gavin, who was in the automotive section, where the bleach was. He did not know. His actual words were "Fucked if I know this is the automotive section." I explained that I knew that but I needed some bleach. He told me to ask someone else as his fingers tapped away at his smart-phone; updating his Facebook status. I said that as the customer it was his job to ensure I was a happy customer. He said, and I use his exact words, "I was at this banging party last night and I don't know if it was the weed or the alcohol but I'm pretty fucked up right now. Look, they pay me $7.25 an hour to turn up to this shit hole to deal with fucking idiots that don't know the difference between a dipstick and a fucking brake pad. So if I don't care that you are not happy you'll understand why I don't give a shit." Slightly off-putting but I left Gavin as he looked like he was about to puke into a pile of discount tires.

Two down and ultimately two failures. I had two more tasks left. Hopefully they would result in a better outcome. So I went over to Customer Service to ask about their return policy regarding underwear.

At Customer Service a woman named Janice asked me what she could do. She didn't laugh when I said "I don't know how about you juggle some balls." she just said "Either you need my help or fuck off back to whatever institution you escaped from." I then told her I was wondering about the return policy regarding underwear. She asked me what sort of underwear it was. I was not ready for that question so I blurted out the first thing and said "Bra and panties; they don't fit me." She looked at me then spoke to one of her colleagues and they both looked at me. When she had finished laughing she said "I'm sorry we cannot accept returns on underwear unless it is faulty." At last someone who knew their job. She said "Maybe your boyfriend can get you a better fitting set next time." I don't know why she presumed I was gay I never said anything that indicated that. So I just thanked her and went on to the last task I had to complete.

25 bulky items. Easy. I won't bore you with the exact details but let me tell you the cart was practically overflowing. I got to the checkout and that bit went fine. The I pretended to struggle with the items and the cart. Instead of being asked if I needed help all the checkout assistant could say was "Hey guy can you get a move on i have customers here." I told I would be a lot quicker if someone could help me. She replied "You'll be lucky. We used to have people that would help and that but since the cutbacks chances are if you can't get it to your car you shouldn't have purchased all that shit." I pushed the cart wondering to myself what had happened to the idea that the customer was always right.

I took the shopping to Chris's office and started to tell him what a nightmare it had been at Walmart. He said not to tell him and just email him the report; but he did say it was usually like that at Walmart since they started hiring the mentally handicapped; and he said at night the workers looked like extras from the Michael Jackson Thriller video. I was going to mention the whole death hoax but he looked like he didn't care. Actually he didn't even care that I had dressed up as a Jewish priest so as not to be recognized. He then told me that Sharon would pay me and make sure the report was sent within 24 hours.

I am paying taxes again.

Well that was the first time. I have done several secret shops since and am totally enjoying my work. At this rate I will be able to save for a deposit on a nice place to live. Not sure what I will be called then though; as I have got used to being called Homeless Dave.