The Trial: The Finale

It is July 2011 and the trial of Conrad Murray has reached its conclusion. The final day of questioning begins.

Judge: Order. Order. Lets get some order in this court. I know today is the last day so let us not mess about with objections if we can. And I'd like to remind council I have a golf tee of at 3:30PM so keep it brief. Mr Chernoff you have the floor; call your next witness.
Chernoff: Thank you your honor. For my final witness, who is not on the witness list, I'd like to call Michael Jackson.
Walgren: Objection.
Judge: Make it good Mr Walgren.
Walgren: He is calling the deceased. Your honor surely ...
Judge: Mr Walgren I am well aware who Michael Jackson is after all I am not a paramedic. Mr Chernoff I am allowing the witness; and furthermore he has five minutes to take the stand.

In the courtroom there was a disturbance as an elderly man removed his hat, took off his glasses, and removed the scarf from around his face. He stood up and took his long coat off. Jermaine Jackson spoke to him.

Jermaine: Michael, you are alive, my brother is it really you?
Michael: Yes Jermaine it is me. By the way that tribute - that is just one reason I hate your greasy face.

Michael makes his way to the witness stand and took a seat. He wondered why it was called a stand when there was a chair; but that wasn't important.

Judge: You sure you are Michael Jackson?
Michael: Yes your honor.
Judge: Just checking. Don't want you to turn out to be ECasanova. Wouldn't happen to have a driving license?
Michael: Yes your honor.

Michael hands his driving license to the Judge who inspects it.

Judge: Hey Walgren you owe me $50. The middle name says Joe. OK Mr Chernoff I'm satisfied the witness is Michael Jackson. I suppose you want me to dismiss the case against your client?
Chernoff: No your honor. I'd like to be given time to question Mr Jackson.
Judge: Look he is here. No need to question him. Your client, no matter how shady he appears, is obviously innocent.
Chernoff: I understand your honor but there are some facts I'd like entered into public record.
Judge: OK make it quick. Mr Walgren any objection?
Walgren: No your honor. I have already lost the case and the bet. No point worrying about anything now. Hell if Jesus was a surprise witness I would not be surprised.
Judge: Very funny Mr Walgren. OK Mr Chernoff proceed.

Chernoff starts to question Michael Jackson.

Chernoff: Could you state your full name for the court.
Michael: Michael Joe Jackson.
Chernoff: Mr Jackson are you dead?
Michael: Do I look dead?
Judge: Mr Chernoff we have established Mr Jackson is alive. Get on with it.
Chernoff: Mr Jackson on June 25, 2009 did you purposefully fake your death?
Michael: Yes I did.
Chernoff: And why was that?
Michael: The problems I was having with the Legion Of Doom.
Chernoff: What?
Michael: That is what me and Conrad called the Nation Of Islam.
Chernoff: And do you see Mr Conrad Murray in the court?

Michael points at Conrad Murray.

Michael: Well that is Conrad Murray. But that is not his real name.
Chernoff: Do you know the real name of Mr Murray?
Michael: Yes. It is Soule Shaun. We thought it would be funny to use his name at the hospital. That way in reality Soule Shaun did enter the hospital.
Chernoff: I see. And why was Mr Murray at your residence on June 25, 2009?
Michael: He was assigned to protect me and assist me in disappearing.
Chernoff: Escaping from the Legion Of Doom?
Michael: Hee hee.
Chernoff: I mean escaping from the Nation Of Islam?
Michael: Yes.
Chernoff: Would you care to elaborate?
Michael: Well, the Nation Of Islam were taking over my life. They were assigned as my security yet they were really my captors. And Dr Tohme Tohme, or Tum Tum as we referred to him, was orchestrating it all to try and get my assets. He is one of them you know.
Chernoff: And to avoid this you faked your death?
Michael: It is a bit more complicated than that. Let me explain.
Chernoff: Please do.
Michael: Well, with the Nation Of Islam after me I contacted the FBI. And they suggested a meeting and so it didn't look suspicious we met at Dr Arnie Klein's office. At the first meeting it was suggested I needed a FBI agent to protect me from any threat to my life. But so the Nation Of Islam didn't suspect anything the FBI agent was to act as my doctor.
Chernoff: And the reason for the name change?
Michael: Because he was undercover. That is why if you look at his background it has more holes than Swiss cheese.
Chernoff: So why the elaboration of making it look like Conrad Murray had killed you?
Michael: I couldn't just die. I had just passed an extreme physical for the tour insurance. There would be too many questions. Also, the Nation Of Islam might think it suspicious and watch for signs of me being alive; or trail Conrad.
Chernoff: So for the last two years you have been in protective custody?
Michael: Hell no. I've been all over the place. As far as anyone was concerned I was dead. So if people saw me they just thought I was an impersonator.
Chernoff: I see.
Michael: No you didn't. I was at the preliminary hearing and you didn't see me.
Chernoff: You were?
Michael: Yes. Don't you remember that slender blond you gave your number to? That was me.
Chernoff: Really? That would explain why she, I mean you, didn't call.
Michael: Nobody was looking for me so they didn't see me. It was an illusion. And if someone said they saw me they just looked like a redneck National Enquirer reader.
Walgren: Objection. I read the National Enquirer.
Judge: Figures. Shut up redneck.
Chernoff: Finally Mr Jackson, do you now intend to return to your normal life?
Michael: My life is far from normal. I wake in the morning and the paparazzi are taking shots of my bedroom window before I even take my morning dump. But yes I will be returning to my life and children.
Chernoff: No further questions your honor.
Judge: Mr Walgren would you like to cross examine the witness?
Walgren: What is the point? I am here to try Conrad Murray for killing Michael Jackson. Firstly, Conrad Murray is not Conrad Murray. Secondly, Michael Jackson is alive. I worked for two and a half years solid on this case. I missed my wife's birthday because of it. And then today I find all my work was for nothing.
Judge: OK Mr Walgren nobody wants to hear your whiny sob story. Save it for someone who gives a shit. Mr Jackson you are excused.
Michael: Thank you your honor. I have a press conference to attend.

Michael leaves the court surrounded by camera crews and reporters. Meanwhile back in the court.

Judge: Would the defendant rise.

Conrad Murray stands up.

Judge: Mr Murray, Mr Shaun, Mr Soule or whatever your real name is. You are hereby free to leave this court and the case against you is dismissed. Your medical licenses will be reinstated.
Murray: Thank you your honor. But I don't actually have any medical licenses; it was just a cover.
Judge: Yes yes. Anyway, court dismissed. Now get this circus out of here so I can go play golf.

Peace.

Cuss Count: Very Low

Legal Notice: This court case has no bearing on the criminal proceedings against Conrad Murray. Nor does this blog offer any legal advice to Conrad or his attorneys. This post is satire; and should not be considered legal advice by anyone with two or more brain cells.