Janet Jackson Speaks Exclusively

Since suggesting that there may be something between Janet Jackson and Conrad Murray I was contacted by Janet's manager, Kenneth Crear, wondering if I would do a phone interview with Janet so that she could set the record straight. I agreed as long as I was given permission to place the contents of the conversation unedited on this blog. This was eventually agreed to by Kenneth Crear.

So earlier today I dialed 1-800-CALLJANET and the following took place.

Janet: Hi, this is Janet. If you would like playtime fantasies press one, for kinky stuff press two, and for all other calls press three.
Me: Umm is this Janet Jackson?
Janet: Who is this and why are you calling?
Me: MJHD Conspiracy, and your manager said to call.
Janet: Oh the dog blogger. What the hell is wrong with you? I was looking at your blog and you suggest I'm dating Conrad Murray.
Me: Well, in all honesty it was done as a joke.
Janet: I don't care. You are one sick individual with your fascination with lesbians, Nazis, and Dutch people. What the fuck is a Bumkolo any way?
Me: Well it is not a fascination. And a Bumkolo is a bankrupt faggot that lives with his Mommy.
Janet: You have a problem with gay people?
Me: Just bankrupt ones that wear gay sunglasses and talk shit.
Janet: And the Nazi shit?
Me: Well that is a comparative statement. Not that the Dutch duo are Nazis; just they act like it. Thought it was funny to call their forum Auschwitz.
Janet: A lot of people died at Auschwitz during World War One.
Me: Surely you mean World War Two?
Janet: Does it matter? I mean thousands die so sixty years later you can use it for making jokes. That just isn't right.
Me: I suppose when you put it like that it sounds bad. But the comparison is still funny. People just need to lighten up a little.
Janet: Lighten up? You are fucking sick, I don't even know why I agreed to talk to you. Millions of Jews die, and you use it for humor and that is lightening things up a bit?
Me: Well, even though it was funny there was only so far I could take the Auntie Amy wearing diapers stuff. Next thing was how Souza and Mo was running their concentration camp, I mean forum.
Janet: And now you are having a go at me and my brothers for reforming the Jackson 5?
Me: Yeah sort of. It's like this. If you had steak, and then someone forms ground beef into the shape of steak still doesn't make it steak.
Janet: You saying I am ground beef?
Me: Better than chopped liver surely?
Janet: Well yes, but still.
Me: So did you read the whole blog or just the parts with you in it?
Janet: I read some of it. But to be honest a lot of it was just about dirty diapers which I didn't understand the connection to anything.
Me: Oh that, that was Auntie Amy she was the original admin at MJHD.COM.
Janet: She must be one sick bitch. I went to MJHD.COM and it was full of pornography.
Me: MJHD.COM is just short for MichaelJacksonHoaxDeath.COM.
Janet: What? Michael is running the website?
Me: No, it is a website/forum about Michael hoaxing his death.
Janet: Oh, they know then?
Me: Well yeah. So Conrad Murray what is going to happen there?
Janet: We have no marriage plans.
Me: I was actually on about legal proceedings. By the way what is his real name?
Janet: I call him Snookums.
Me: Not what I meant. But OK. So why is Jermaine so gung-ho about a Jackson 5 reunion?
Janet: Between you and me it is because he'll do anything to make money off Michael's legacy. I don't need the money but Jermaine does. Last night I actually caught him going through my trash.
Me: Did you let him in and feed him?
Janet: No way. I called 911.
Me: So you don't get on with Jermaine?
Janet: Get serious. Nobody does. He is an arrogant asshole. Mum said the other day she wishes she had kept the afterbirth and thrown Jermaine away.
Me: So, about you and Conrad Murray - do you have a tattoo of him?
Janet: Well I sent Conrad the picture you put up and he laughed. He said that if only you knew where it was.
Me: So where is it?
Janet: That would be telling, but needless to say I sit on Conrad a lot.
Me: Changing subject quickly - any chance of Michael making a comeback soon?
Janet: Remember the time of death was 2:26 and the date soon will be 2/26.
Me: So he will be back in a couple of days?
Janet: He may be, but then again he may not be.
Me: Did you watch This Is It?
Janet: I was going to but there was a preview of Avatar on at the same time. So I missed it. Some friends said it was good though. Conrad watched it on DVD the other night.
Me: So how do you think you will do replacing Michael?
Janet: Do you mind if I sing?
Me: No, go ahead.
Janet: ABC its easy as 132...
Me: Sorry, isn't that meant to be 123?
Janet: I'm putting my own twist on it.
Me: It doesn't really work though. Might be why people think there should be no Jackson 5 without Michael.
Janet: What the fuck. I can do anything I want.
Me: Within reason I suppose so. But you cannot change the lyrics, that is going too far.
Janet: Fuck you. This conversation is over.

At that point Janet hung up the phone. When I tried to call back all I got was voicemail.


Legal Notice: This conversation may not have taken place, and if it did it may not have been like this at all. There is no evidence to suggest Badkolo is gay except those sunglasses. There is no proof that Janet and Conrad are dating.


Anonymous said...

As i used to say in MJHD chat room all those eons ago...Hello fans surgery is now open...You never knew Janet was my assistant..Anyway she has got her pierced nipple out of my mouth for long enough for me to confirm some hot monkey lovin has been going on and you know how she got the impression of my face for her tattoo...Ahhh its so nice to be me for a change...Remember the Troot will Prevail fans...
Stay sober
Dr Murray (legend of MJHD chat before the nutters took over)

Iloveyoumore said...

LMFAO!! Absolutely one of the funniest things I have ever read!! I have to stop reading this stuff so late at night!! I get all worked up laughing so hard and then my adrenaline is going and I can't go to sleep...You are awesomeness, TB.

Angie The F 777 said...

Ohhhh Doggie....i liked u so much..but u stole our idea! We were first wit exclusive interviews!!! Helllooo LMFAO

tis_her said...

yes doggie..pant pant...your awsomeness is making all of us girls have sleepless nights. Your reformed "comedy" blog is so awsomely awsome..come here and give me a lick you sexy dog!

MJHD Conspiracy said...

Angie The F 777 said: "Ohhhh Doggie....i liked u so much..but u stole our idea! We were first wit exclusive interviews!!! Helllooo LMFAO

I had no idea. You should have mentioned it earlier. Just went and read them ... Laughing my fucking ass off ... Very funny.

mjjveritas said...

Conspiracy, Your afterbirth gag is too funny, now stop it at once. As an old British comedian Dick Emery used to say, in his best camp voice, "Ooh you are awful but I like you".

Anonymous said...

De quoi mourir de rire! Et celle de Larry King, encore plus fine!

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