American Idol: The Jacksons

Just recently a unaired special of American Idol turned up. The unaired special features members of the Jackson family. Although, due to legal reasons, I am unable to supply any footage; but the full transcript is reproduced below.

Ryan: Welcome to American Idol, tonight coming live from Encino, California. A special for one night only; featuring Jermaine, Tito, Janet, and Joe Jackson. So without further ado - This is American Idol: The Jacksons.

[Title sequence]

Ryan: Introducing, as always, our expert panel of judges. Steven Tyler, Jennifer Lopez, and Randy Jackson.

[Judges walk in and take their seats; waving to the audience]

Ryan: So, what can we expect tonight?
Steven: Well obviously the talent is expected to be that much higher.
Randy: Hold up dawg. What about Joe?
Steven: I'm expecting big things from Joe.
Jennifer: So was I - but it wasn't ... oh you mean the show.
Ryan: Well the judges are already having differences. So let us introduce our first performer; Jermaine Jackson.

[Jermaine steps out of a cloud of fog]

Ryan: So Jermaine, what was it like growing up in the shadow of Michael?
Jermaine: I don't see it that way. A lot of the success Michael had was because of me.
Ryan: Really?
Jermaine: I taught Michael everything.
Ryan: If you say so. So why was you not as famous?
Jermaine: Michael got beat less than ...

[From offstage Joe Jackson is heard shouting: "Boy shut your mouth or I will come on that stage and whoop your ass."]

Jermaine: See what I mean.
Ryan: OK Jermaine. So what song are you going to be performing tonight?
Jermaine: Tonight Ryan I am going to be singing Jenny From The Block by the beautiful Jennifer Lopez.
Jennifer: Like hell you are.
Ryan: Seems at least one of the judges is doubting your ability.
Jermaine: I'll show them.
Ryan: OK, tonight Jermaine Jackson is Jennifer Lopez.

[Jermaine sings for about 20 seconds]

Randy: Hold up; hold up dawg. What was that?
Jermaine: Jenny From The Block.
Jennifer: Uh uh. No it wasn't.
Jermaine: Sure it was.
Jennifer: It is my song. I know how it should sound.
Randy: I wasn't feeling it dawg.
Jermaine: Can I try again?
Jennifer: What song would you kill this time?
Jermaine: Love In An Elevator by Aerosmith.
Steven: Like fuck you will.
Randy: Sorry dawg. It is just not happening. So Steven?
Steven: Yeah. What?
Randy: What do you think dawg?
Steven: No words can describe that performance. It would be a no from me.
Jennifer: [Through tears] I cannot believe what you did to my song. It is a no.
Randy: Sorry dawg. But it is 3 noes.

Ryan: So Jermaine, the judges were just not liking it.
Jermaine: What do they know. I'm famous. I was on Celebrity Big Brother.
Ryan: That is not really fame.
Jermaine: Sure it is. I was even thinking of doing an American Idol tribute.
Ryan: No.
Jermaine: Please?
Ryan: No Jermaine. Go home.

[From offstage Joe Jackson is heard shouting again: "Pick up some condoms on your way. Your Mom is sick and tired of paying for your kids. I should of done the world a favor when you was a kid and kicked you in the nuts."]

Ryan: We'll be right back.

[Commercial Break]

Ryan: Welcome back to American Idol: The Jacksons special. Coming up now is Tito Jackson.

[Tito steps out of a cloud of fog]

Ryan: Tito.
Tito: Yeah.
Ryan: No, I was just welcoming you. So what song are you doing tonight?
Tito: On The Roof Again by Eve 6.
Ryan: [Laughing] Will you have a taco with you?
Tito: What?
Ryan: You know what I mean - you always go on about being on the roof and eating tacos.
Tito: It is just a song. I cannot eat and sing.
Ryan: Um OK. Tonight Tito is going to be Eve 6.

[Tito sings for about 40 seconds]

Randy: Hold up dawg. Hold up dawg. How old are you?
Tito: I am 57 and holding.
Randy: Really dawg?
Jennifer: I liked it. At least it wasn't Jermaine killing one of my songs this time.
Steven: It was OK but you was all over the place with your pitch. It is a no from me.
Jennifer: It is a yes from me.
Randy: And it is a yes from me.
Steven: Wait a fucking minute here. So basically my vote does not count?
Randy: Of course it does dawg. Just it was 2 - 1.
Steven: You know I could be touring with Aerosmith?
Ryan: Well Tito the judges are split but you made it through.
Tito: Can I go back to the roof now?
Ryan: Sure.
Tito: Thanks.
Ryan: Two down and still two more to come right after this.

[Commercial Break]

Ryan: Welcome back. We have seen Jermaine and Tito and still to come Joe and Janet. Right now Joe Jackson.

[Joe steps out of a cloud of fog]

Joe: Do that again. Introduce me as Mr Jackson. Do it right or I am going to whoop your ass. Just because you are not my kid does not mean I cannot beat you.
Ryan: Really Joe?
Joe: Just do it. Don't make me take my belt off to you boy.
Ryan: Um. OK. Right now is Mr Jackson.

[Joe steps out of a cloud of fog again]

Joe: Now that is better.
Ryan: So Joe.
Joe: I'm taking my belt off.
Ryan: I mean Mr Jackson, what song are you going to be performing tonight?
Joe: Tonight I am going to be singing Thriller by my son Michael.
Ryan: Really?
Joe: Of course not. I am going to be doing Beat It. That has always been a favorite of mine.
Ryan: Figures.
Joe: Don't back chat me boy. Just introduce me.
Ryan: OK. Tonight, for one night only, Joe ... I mean Mr Jackson will be performing Beat It by Michael Jackson.

[Joe sings for about 15 seconds]

Randy: Hold up dawg. What was that?
Joe: Dawg? Last person to call me dawg ended up in the emergency room; it was Marlon. You can call me Mr Jackson or sir. I am not no dawg.
Randy: OK player.
Joe: That is it. You are going to feel my belt.
Randy: Look Mr Jackson it is a no from me.
Jennifer: And it is a no from ...
Joe: Woman who said you could speak? Did either of these men indicate you could? You know my wife? She knows how to behave. She ever steps out of line she feels the back of my hand.
Steven: Mr Jackson it is a no from me too.
Joe: Don't interrupt me when I am speaking. I'll whoop your ass too. That is it I am taking my belt off.

[Joe takes off his belt. His trousers fall around his ankles revealing silk Superman boxers. As he tries to pull his trousers up he is escorted off the stage by security]

Ryan: Only on American Idol. We'll be right back.

[Commercial Break]

Ryan: Welcome back. Our final performer tonight is Janet Jackson.

[Janet steps out of a cloud of fog]

Ryan: Welcome Janet.
Janet: My brother was murdered.
Ryan: Yes; the events were very tragic.
Janet: It is OK. He just faked his death.
Ryan: What?
Janet: My brother was murdered.
Ryan: But you just said. Never mind. Moving on. So, Janet what will you be singing tonight?
Janet: I'm going to be singing Papa Was A Rolling Stone by The Temptations.

[From offstage Joe Jackson is heard shouting yet again: "Girl you pay me respect. I'll beat you too; I don't care who is watching. Now where the hell is my belt?"]

Ryan: OK. Tonight Janet Jackson is The Temptations.

[Janet sings for a full 2 minutes]

Jennifer: [Crying] That was beautiful.
Steven: ooh Momma.
Randy: You knocked that one out of the park.
Jennifer: Everything was perfect. That is a definite yes from me.
Randy: You know I am not related; right?
Steven: Hey Dawg I saw her first.
Randy: Dawg dawg dawg dawg. She is not going to go with some wrinkled up old man.
Steven: Janet, here is the key to my hotel room. That is how you get a yes from me.
Randy: Damn I lost a sister to a white dude. Janet it is a yes from me anyway.
Janet: Thank you, thank you, do I have to let a nipple pop out now?
Ryan: Whoa. And on that note we bring a close to this special edition of American Idol. Janet Jackson is clearly the winner. Goodnight America.

[Ryan walks off drinking a Coke before getting into his Ford Fusion. Steven pops a Viagra pill and heads to the hotel. Randy is last seen scuffling with Joe; arguing about a birth certificate and shouting about "sowing wild oats"]


Cuss Count: Minimal

Legal Notice: This post is satire. As such it is not connected with American Idol, The Jackson family, Coke, or Ford. HNN is in no way connected to any news agency. Ferrari still are not sponsoring so buy any car you want.


Anonymous said...

Another great post! I love your portrayal of Joe. Too funny!

Anonymous said...

Bravo absolutely amazing once again you have made me laugh and cry at the same time and I must say Papa Was A Rolling Stone is one of my favorite songs.You captured the moment with ever word HNN thank you for letting Bloggers know its ok to laugh, its ok to be free to be a blogger. So keep shining and making the blog world awesome(Smiling)

Anonymous said...

LOLOLOLOLOL, (wipes tears). Could not stop laughing. Bravo!

Anonymous said...

The world needs laughter right now!! JerMichael!! too funny ROFL Thank you.

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